2011-part 1

It's almost 2012.

I can honestly say that I am so ready for 2011 to be over.

In the begining of 2011 I had to set out a goal to better myself. To get healthy and to grow up.

I had started going to the gym and started going less. I was starting to feel really good about myself. My friend Ashley and I were going to reward ourselves with a trip to Calgary for the Stampede and a Kenny Chesney concert.

I was in a good place for most things in my life.

July 11th. My world crumbled.

I turned 25 on the 12th of July.

Visited Kenzie in the ICU. Then Ashley and I went on to Calgary. This trip was not as fun as I had planned. The whole trip I kept waiting for a message saying that Kenzie didn't make it. I felt so lost. How could so much change with one phone call? How would life change for the family?

I some how lost my drivers license on this trip.

As soon as I got back to the States started working on the first fund raiser. It was stressful and chaotic. But honestly we had such an amazing turn out. The Cut Bank community is one of a kind and I am glad I have gotten to know so many amazing people from there.

The next fund raiser I really had nothing to do. Just trying to help in any way I can.

At this time I was going to Great Falls every week.

If I got sleep I was lucky. I was super emotional. Super lost.

Found out my friends dad had cancer. Blog about John

I think I had so much stress that I ended up messing up back some how after the fund raiser in Lewistown. I missed work and was misserable I slept for like 3 days straight.

After the fund raiser I realised I didn't have my passport anymore. Still missing.

As I was getting ready to go visit Kenzie and go to my cousins baby shower. I got in a car wreck leaving DMV and on my way out of town. My head lights were out it was 5 pm. Had to post pone my trip until I got my moms tire fixed.

I left town the next day and decided to make a detour and see a friend and have a drink because I felt like being some place where no one knew me. I needed a break from myself. Here I met a pretty neat guy. He has been the best thing that has come out of my misfortune for this year. I am pretty lucky for that.

Got accepted back to College

Was suppose to go visit Kayla and Starr again but life happens and I wasn't able. :(

Won Best Costume on Halloween.

Had a Thanksgiving with no turkey.

Boyfriend left Montana.

Was suppose to meet new baby cousin. Life happened and I wasn't able to do that.

Had an interview with the Gazette about Kenzie (Keep an eye out for this, trust me I will be posting a link or letting you fine people know when it happens)

Car took forever to get fixed.

Had to take car back in.

Work didn't pay me for commission

There was a glitch with my card out of the thousands of people in the system I was one of 12 that this happened too.

Got to finally meet new baby cousin and got to spend time with Kayla, Kenzie, Randy and Soni.

News Article came out

Boyfriend came back to visit! :)

Thing I learned in 2011

-you really can change your life if you really want to
-bad things can happen to good people
-I can not be there for everyone
-Life can be hard
-Stress in my worst enemy
-Growing up is ok I will survive being a disgusting grown up as kayla would say
-someone can make me a smile even if they are a day away
-hearts can hurt so bad but somehow you still can breath
-I can ignore dumb people but when the dumb people hurt my family in some way I have a harder time letting it go

Thankful for

family
friends
patience
love
brain activity
breathing
forgiveness
vodka

Later on I will post favorite pictures from 2011

thank you all for reading my blogs that I have written.

Thank you for keeping my cousin Kenzie in your prayers and my friends Dad (John LaPierre) as well. You all have made it more possible to breath on the unbearable and rolling out of bed days. Thank you again and I hope you all have a safe and fun new years. Remember don't get behind a wheel if you have been drinking. Not worth it and BUCKLE UP!!

Billings Gazette

If you haven't seen this here you go. Billings Gazette Article

I did an article a while back with the Billings Gazette to talk about the fundraisers I have coming up.

I'd like to apologize to the ladies in Lewistown I did mention that I really had nothing to do with that fundraiser. You all put on such a sucessful event and honestly I am very greatful that my family knows you and has you all as friends. Thank you so much!

Second, when I was interviewed Kenzie had moved a little and I told the lady that I wasn't there everyday to actually know 100% of what she has been doing. This is why we didn't go into much detail.

Chelsea did a great job and I am super thankful that she took time out of very hectic schedule to fit me in.

Now to the comments.

I am having a hard time being nice about some of them. I have choose not to write anything on the discussion on the paper because everyone is allowed their own opinion and I don't feel like coming off as rude.

But since this is my blog..MR. Reality Check I have read you comments all over the gazette. Honestly, I think you should change your name to Mr. I Know Everything. Honestly, no one likes that guy that thinks he knows everything. You always have to have the answer and everyone always has to be wrong. Thank you for reading the article that means a lot to us that you took the time out of your day to read it. But I honestly know Kenzie is in there. The first night that I went the nursing home and I was on the floor talking to the CNA's Kenzie moved her head towards me when she heard my voice. They said she hadn't moved that much for them ever on her own. Go back to another blog of mine and see the video of her moving her arm ON COMMAND! Give up hope on a 16 year old? She has her age on her side. It may take awhile but we are willing to fight it out with her.

BillMillerJr. You do not have to donate. We will take prayers. And donating to hospitals is nice also.

Whatevver. I am glad that you had this talk with you family as a teenager. Kenzie had just turned 16. She was very open with her parents. And never in there was there anything that maybe this was Kenzie's choice. So I am glad you have your opinion.

Again Thank you all for reading the article. Thank you for the donations, the prayers, the kinds words and everything. We could not have gone almost 6 months from all the love we have gotten from complete strangers.

Merry Fricken Christmas

I just wanted to wish all of you out there a Merry Christmas. I hope you all did not stress out to much and are enjoying your loved ones!

I have already posted a blog about the people I love. Its Christmas and I don't want to post anything to make anyone depressed.

I enjoyed my days off with the people that I love the most. I got to see my new baby cousin. along with his mom, dad, and big brother. and I also got to see my grandparents and some friends that I love.

Then it was off to see Uncle Randy, Aunt Soni, Kayla and the bum Kenzie. I have video of some dancing going on but I have strict instructions not to post. so to assure that I don't get beat I will have not post at this time. Now I have good blackmail. :) There was lots of laughs and that I am thankful.

Now I am home with my parents. I will get to see my sister and her lovely family.

So I hope you all have a great day whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

Hug and tell people you love, care about them and appreciate them. Remember it only takes a split second to lose the people you love and care about the most.

Fundraisers

Fubdraisers.

Roundup Adult Prom

April 21st 2012. Located Roundups Community Center. Starting at 9 pm. music is being donated by Charlie Gairrett. Ashlie Tait will be there taking photos. It is B.Y.O.B.
Tickets:single- $10 couples- $15

This is a 21 and older event. Formal wear.

Shake It For Kenzie

I am shooting for July 14th.

All Ages. Location is still undetermined. A number of bands and solo artists.

A day to enjoy Montana sunshine. Listen to some Montana talent. Enjoy and celebrate life.

Part of the profits will be going to help children with brain injuries.

These will be an annual events.

Anyone that has any that questions or ideas please contact me. The venue i am looking for will need to let use charge to let people in. e-mail ktzarn@gmail.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny

Nervous breakdowns at work are the worst. Not knowing why you are having one makes them harder.

I hate this time of year. I hate the cold. I hate missing people. I hate feeling sorry for myself.

As terrible as it sounds....I want my life back.

I sound selfish.

I want the accident to never have happened.

I don't want to feel sad or lost. I want Kenzie to see new pics of Kenzie and her friends be silly. I want to see her silly facebook drama. I want her to text me back. I want to know whats going thru her brain.

Being selfish is not a terrible thing.

I feel like a zombie.

I enjoy people watching. My job is great for this. Seeing couples reunite, soliders come home, familes seeing each other for the first time in years. I love it all. Lately as I watch these people I feel like they can see inside me and you can almost see some kind of sadness in their eyes. I feel like a different person lately. I can't even pin point to you whats going on.

My chest fills heavy. My heart feels like its beating at an uncomfortable slow rate.

Everyone has terrible things in their life. I understand that. Thats why feeling like this feels.....seems crazy. pointless. idiotic?

"f
I know that I will find myself and I wont feel lost.

Seeing your family and the people you LOVE the most hurt and not have a way to fix that is what breaks my heart. I wish I had the soultion to make it go away.

I am slowly learning I can't do everything. I can't make everyone happy. Blogging is like my therpay. I only post because I know I am not the only person out there that feels this way.


"Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have" -Dave Carniege

Happy Holidays

Its been 5 months I can sit here and write something depressing but its the holidays.

Christmas is a stressful time of year for most families to try to please their families. Someday on these holidays the people you are trying to please are probably are only going to wish you were with them for the holidays. They would give back all the presents just to have you back.

This year take a break from all the spending and take some time to actually hang out with  your family get to know them again. It seems that time goes by way to fast and we lose people to soon.

I have so many blessings. I have so many amazing people in my life.

First my parents. I don't think God could of gave me better parents. They love me even when I make stupid choices. They love me for me and never try to make me someone else they never have. They have supported me through everything and have loved me and my brother and sister as much as possible. They have shown me what LOVE actually is and someday I hope to meet a man that will be able to show our kids this love also.

My brother and sister are both older then me and growing up have been apart of my life every step. If I need help, advice, a shot of vodka or just a hug I know I can call them. Heather and Shane have both choice amazing spouses that I also have friendships with. Jack and Jeni are really like a new brother and sister. (Jeni's family has been amazing and has welcomed me into their family as well) Along with Jeni and Jack they blessed me with Colter, Jordan and Brodey. My neice and nephews really do bring joy to my life with just a smile. (this also goes for my other neice and nephews-Maggee, Jack, Lorynn, Taylor, and Baby Coby)

My Grandma Teresa who comes once a year to see us in Montana. She is a little ball of fire. I enjoy giving her a hard time. Shes a tiny little Mexican woman and I dare you to try not to love her. My grandma is probably the only person on my moms side that I actually know anything about. And I am very thankful to have her in my life I can't imagine not having my grandma Teresa.

Grandma and Grandpa Zarn. I love going to visit them I always want to fall asleep on their couch I feel the  safest when I am in that at house. Its like the world doesn't matter once you are there. My grandpa is my hero and like my favorite person. I don't know what its about it him but I can't help but love him. He's a cute old man and watching him get older has been heart breaking and lovely. Him and grandma have seen so much in their life and they are still married have 5 children and numerous grandchildren. My grandma seems to never get older. I don't know how she does it.

When I was  younger the Zarn clan go together a lot more then we do now. But as the children are getting older and moving out we seem to see less and less of each other. But I will always cherish my childhood memories with all my uncles, aunts and cousins.

After the accident I have gotten to know my cousins a little more then I have. I have always been close to my cousin John, Cat, and Tanya. And I did randomly talk to Kayla but after the accident mine and Kaylas relationship has grown. I know that I can tell her anything. Her and Starr have really found a special place in my heart this year. My cousin Eric and his wife Connie have been amazing and I have finally gotten to know Connie more. It is really nice to get know your family more. I look forward to continue the relationships that I have with my family.

My friends this year have been so amazing. I had friends that drove to Lewistown to help support me. Thank you Bo, Scott, Joe, Ashley and Ced. (Don't worry I won't say your nickname on here). It really did mean a lot to me. The LaPierre girls buying bracelets and just being great friends! Heidi I loved the card you really are an amazing friend. Ashley for coming to be my co-pilot in all my silly adventures.

To all the strangers who have become family to us Zarns, there really are no words to describe how amazing you are to make us feel loved during this hard time. Thank you for everything.

Bl

It Takes Both Rain And Sunshine To Make A Rainbow

Today is a rough day. Got little to no sleep. These days happen about every other week. I am prepared for the emotional coaster ride I will be taking. I'll get easily irritated, can cry if you look at me the wrong way, very sensitive, and exhausted with life. Awesome, right? Thank God all of you love me or at least can tolerate this side of me.

Today I will be going to a memorial service for a guy named Walter (Chip) Ross. I knew Chip because he worked for the school in Roundup. I have a scar on my knee and every time I notice it, I think of him. When I was a small child I had hurt myself on the playground (thanks Roundup Central School for the black asphalt). I believe I was wearing a dress and tights (some things never change). Chip carried me to the office. This is the only thing I remember. I don't remember what happened afterwards  all I know is Chip was super nice. I remember I wanted my mom and he did his best to make me feel safe and less afraid. I remember in Kindergarten he would let me play on the playground even if it wasn't my day to be at school (my sister lived a house away from school). Chip was always nice. In junior high and high school Chip was always unlocking the school for me when I would leave homework there or needed to use a computer. The Roundup community has lost a great soul this week. R.I.P. Chip you will be great missed by many!

As we celebrate ones life, I am excited that a new life will be born. My cousin Tanya is in the hospital right  now getting ready to have baby boy! Super excited can't wait to meet my new cousin!!!

Life has a crazy way of teaching us things. Do me a favor this month forget about going crazy with gifts. Take time to enjoy the people you love and care about. Tell them in words how much you love them and how happy you they are in your life. You can never tell someone you love them enough. On that note I appreciate all of you. You reading this blog and Kaylas, that means that for a few moments you're thinking of Kenzie. With each Prayer and thought for her brain it helps her healing process. She is destined for amazing things because the help of  you amazing people. Your kind words lift me up, make me cry and fill my broken heart. I am forever grateful!

" Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart do not know how to laugh either."

Being happy somedays is painful. Somedays laughs are painful. Putting a smile on the face is like trying to lift a 200 lb. object. Getting out of bed and going to work somedays seems impossible. Sometimes crying is the best medicine.

Today was a day were I went through the motions. I don't even know what set me off today. But I feel numb and my chest feels full. I have yet to cry. Outraged, sad, upset, disappointed, guilty, STRESS, loved, mad, jealous..these are the start to my feeling today. I am all over the place. I think I have always stressed but never realized that I actually stress. I have always been good at keeping busy and my mind off of things. But as I got out of high school and I was involved less the stress feels ten times worse. I think I actually break out in little rashes because of this rash. I am a happy person. I know I am. I am not overly depressed by any means. I have not had thoughts of suicide since the accident. I don't cut myself. (I hate blood...gross)

I am working really hard to stop asking questions. The one question I keep asking is; Why her? It doesn't make sense. I wish my answer could be answered. I wish we could have her back.

The worst thing about these fund raisers is making flyers and what not for them. I go through all her facebook to find the perfect pictures. Pictures that see it and say I wonder why this young beautiful girl is on this poster. Going back to the pictures is the worst. It kills my heart, its like the person you love telling them they don't love you anymore. Its a pain that no one will ever understand unless it has happened to them. Looking at her smile..it kills me. It hurts so much. Seeing her brown eyes sparkle with that little look she has..I want to see that look again. Her long brown hair curled and her taking a pic of herself in the mirror. I want her back.

Now she has short hair which is fun to rub. She makes the funniest faces. Her smile and her angry face are priceless. She's like a baby where whenever you learn something new about her you fall in love with her more. Which is a weird feeling for me. She is 16 years old, she is not 16 months. I am glad that she is learning more things and improving. DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I am selfish I want her to be getting ready for Christmas break. To start worrying about what she will wear for Prom. Who will be her date. And finishing the awful junior year of high school. I want to love her for being 16 making stupid choices and learning to be an adult and having the time of her life.

I want Kenzie back. I miss her life

forgiveness

I go to church once in awhile. Sometimes I go more then others. Theres been a few times where for some reason I want to go to church. Well last Saturday after a day at work I had this urge to go to church. I don't know if it was all the dumb drama at work or what. I just sat there all day listening to people talk about everyone and I don't think these 30+ year olds realize that what they say and do can really have an impact on peoples lives. Either way I decided I wanted to go and called my friend Scarlett to go with me. I got to the church before Scar did and I sat in my car to wait for her and Baby Coby to get there. While I am sitting there a Jason Alden song came on. I am not sure if it was the song, the church, or the exhaustion that made me cry. But I cried. I sat there and cried. Kayla says that someone really wanted me to go to church that night.

I've been to this church a number of times and usually enjoy them. That night they were talking about forgiveness. I sat there and realized that there were a lot of people in my life that I was angry with and have yet to forgive them. I am still struggling with them. God being one of them. I feel like an awful person who can be angry at God and have a hard time forgiving him. I have a lot to be thankful in my life. I have a lot of good things going on. Why I let this negativity have such a hold on my life sometimes I do not know.

Working on being a better person is hard. Going through all these emotions is tough and has been a struggle. I do not wish anyone to go through this situation ever.

Bad Ass Chick? I'd Say So!

Well it seems that Kenzie likes to make me look like a fool. One day I was talking about how she needs to open her eyes and wake up. and then I believe that week she did. Now I am writing about her not moving her limbs well here take a look for yourself. Hours after I posted my last blog this is what I saw on facebook.

Days like that makes me know Kenzie is still in there. She gives really mean faces, which sometimes hurt as bad as her punches I am sure. She gives a silly smile.

 She is always mad at me it seems. She sleeps so much everytime I go there. So this last time I tried to make it up to her and give her a manuicure and get her ready for the big football game this weekend. Of course she was a stubborn brat the whole time making fists and stretching and ruining it. Funny thing is when I was writing on her finger "CATS" and "FTG" she said completely still and didn't move anything. Shes a stinker!

Her hair is getting super long and soon she will look like a real girl again sorry Uncle Randy. They looked like twins here take a look at the twins in action.

She got a van. Thanks too Mike and Nancy Moline! Those two rock at life plain and simple. Now she gets to go on adventures. Me and Kayla want to take her to see breaking dawn.

Since the fundraisers have seemed to stop I feel compeletly helpless. I like to stay busy. So to give me something to do I am starting some projects. If you would like to help or know of anyone that would like to help. Here are my ideas that are still in the brainstorming stage.

I'd like to do a dance for Lewistown high school or junior high. I plan to try to do this off of the school so I don't have to get any sort of permission. I can easily find a dj for this. I know some amazing people. I just need to find a date and location. Also suggestions rather high school or junior high.

I also would like to put on a masquarde ball. I am not sure where yet. But some place. I would need to find a good band, for super cheap who would love to donate their time. If you have any suggestions on this I would love it. I would love to make this an annual thing.

This summer time I would like to find an outdoor venue and get some bands and people that just love music thing. I want to call this event "shaking it for Kenzie" I would like to make this an annual event also. Someday we will be able to put the money raised at this event to kids with brain injuries. These are just thoughts that are going through my head if you would like to help, give me ideas, or know some people please let me know I can use all the help I can get.

email me at ktzarn@gmail.com

123

123- it's the first numbers we usually learn. Its the first numbers we can count too.1+2=3. In baseball its 1, 2,3 stricks your out in ol' ball game. 123 days since Kenzie has gotten in the accident.

4 months=123 days.That's  2952 hours or 177120 minutes or better yet 10,627,200 seconds. It has been that long since anyone has heard her voice. Its been that long since she has been able to walk, tie her own shoes, wipe her ass, get dressed, text, argue with her dad, call her sister, go tend the horses with her mom, giggles with friends, or tell anyone she loved them. Today, I don't ask you to feel sorry for anyone. Imagine if this was someone you loved and they no longer could "live" but their body was there how would "you" survive how would you get the energy day after day to let them know you loved them. Then imagine you are the person that can not talk or barley move all your limbs. I'll let you know something, my mind is scary place. I would not want to be trapped in it. I cry because I miss her. I also cry because she can't tell anyone how scared she is. It's a guessing game. No one knows if she feels any pain, if she can see, if she remembers. In my heart I believe things..that's what gets me through the day.

Day One I was numb and thought oh God what if she dies.

Day Three I see Kenzie and believe that she will survive and will come out and it will be along journey to recovery

Day 16 I go to see Kenzie with cousin John and I believe she will open her eyes any day. me and Aunt Soni talk about how she will scream when she wakes up

Day 26 I learn that Kenzies brain damage is extensive we may never see a change

The days after that seem like a train wreck in my life. I didn't know how to function without crying every other day.

When she was in Seattle I felt lost and helpless.

When she was back in pedi's I felt energized again.

When I learned she was staying in Great Falls and in a nursing home...I've yet to get over the feeling I am feeling. I do not care if you worked in a nursing home and know the care. I'll tell you this she deserves better if that makes me sound bitchy so be it. I hate her there. I miss the people at the hospital. I miss the little kids playing in the hall. I feel stuck like where is there to go from here. Its a freaking nursing home. It's not where my cousin belongs.

123 days and I still feel hope.2952 hours have gone by and I still cry. 177120 minutes and I still pray and ask myself how does she do it. 10,627,200 seconds and I love her more as each second passes.

Stages Of Grief

Kayla sent me a website that had an article on the stages of grief and she asked where I am at. I keep thinking about this all the time. I have started to hit reality and have guilty feelings all the time of not being able to be there. My heart hurts every time I see old pictures and it breaks looking at old pictures. I feel like some days I feel like other members of my family aren't feeling these same feelings. I don't get it. My heart hurts but I can't post it all over facebook and what not because how depressing is it to see that Katie is sad again. I am not known for be sad and depressed. I don't like it. I do my best to stay busy at all times. This would be the cause for me going out a lot. Interacting with people is my medicine.

Tonight I feel like hell and I been working 12 hour days. People are not my medicine. Downtime is enemy and I frightened of it. Terrified..I let my mind wander and sometimes it goes to the dark side. Once I start going I can't stop. I know when its happening but sometimes I think I enjoy the pain it reminds me that I am still a human and that I am not numb. I told Kayla I'd be more scared if she wasn't having hard days. These hard days reminds me that we are human and that are "feelers" still work. I still have the ability to cry, laugh, and be angry.

To be honest until now life was somewhat easy. There were stressful things in my life. I had lost close people in my life. I have have fallen in love and thought I had the person I was going to marry only to be wrong. But this is a feeling I have yet to feel. Heart broken? Stressed? I mourn the life of someone EVERYDAY that is actually alive. Its the most awful and confusing feeling. I don't even know if I explained that in the right way.

DEATH

This time of year is always hard for me. Right now I been thinking a lot about my buddy Mike. He commited suicide a few years back. Whenever times are really tough and I need a friend to sit on the couch and chat about sucky things or if I can't sleep at night I could run to him. His death was a huge shocker I think I laughed a little when I found out. I was at my sister-in-laws work with my mom. Mom was getting her hair done. I got a text from Jackson (boyfriend) at the time. I thought what a terrible joke. He kept saying it was true. OH MY GOD is all could say over and over again. That feeling haunts me. The first time I was back in Cut Bank after the funeral I needed him more then over. I had just got some awful new from then boyfriend my heart was broke and the one person that I wanted to run to was dead...gone. Up until now I thought that was the worse way to lose someone.

Me and Kayla had a conversation and death came up. If Kenzie doesn't get her miracle. The cause of death will probably be some complication with something like an infection. This is my reality not everyday I can't think of butterflies or what have you. I have to prepare myself for what can come. Because as I said before its more heart breaking to be lost in a fantasy world when the worst does come. I imagine this feeling when it happens to be such a mixed of emotions. From some what of a sigh of relief to know that she is not in pain or anything anymore. Then there is the guilt of feeling this. I am on rollercoaster of emotions now I am not ready for that ride. I am hoping that none of you reading this think that I am hoping for this or wish for this to happen. I am on the fence about everything. I still have hope. Somedays I struggle with it. But I never wish death upon anyone. I wish for a healthy brain from her. That would be the idea want and wish from me.

I am starting to try to better myself. Going back to school and getting back to the gym. This gym thing is tough because its so much down time to think. One day I came from the gym crying I got on facebook and there was a picture of Kenz (before accident) and I had a panic attack. When in her nursing room I feel overwhelmed by all of her then pictures. Its heart breaking. Its like a slap in the face. Its like I don't know why I am still breathing. As I said before its a roller coaster of emotions.

Everyday is a struggle and everyday its doesn't involve Kenzie. But everyday I have a struggle with life. I am ready for a life vacation. I use to joke that I wish I could be put into a coma and then woken up when ready. Oh how childish of me to think those.

As I said this part of the year until after new years is a hard time for me. Its the anniversary of a lot of deaths and it brings a lot of emotions I apologize now for the dark places I may go. But life is sucky sometimes and sometimes I want to talk about it. Bottling things up is unsafe for me.

I wish everyone a Happy and Safe Halloween!!!

maybe I'll post a pic of my undark costume afterwards!!

Since I posted this after Halloween here is a pic

Lifes Scoreboard

I been on the go since July 13th.

Last week my  body gave up on me.

Today fate has dealt me a terrible hand. Its like I am playing black jack I went all in and theN busted. For those of you who don't know what that means I went over 21. (Thank you mom and dad for teaching me to gamble)

One thing after another has been happening. Last week it was my back and a cold. I got a nasty cold monday but some how was feeling amazing today. I was excited got off work did some major cleaning and was getting caught up on Katie chores finally. When on my last little chore before going home to load the car, I slid right into a car. I wasn't hurt. He didn't seem hurt with all of his laughing and joking. (thats a different head ache) My poor trusty car is injured and is not legal to drive without lights :( This puts my traveling on a hold. Which is a heart ache to me. To you readers this may seem like no big deal. But too me this is pretty devasting. I had people counting on me this weekend. I had taken time off of work so I could be at places. I like being there for people. On top of it there is stuff that was suppose to get done two weeks ago and other things got in the way. Its another set back. Irritating and frustating.

Tolday I officaly admitted that I am emotionally beaten. I have taken enough from life these last few months that I am ready to run away to an beach and sit and stare at the beach with no thoughts. Just stare and imagine whats past that ocea that seems to go on for years. I am broken. Its not even just this stupid bender fender. Something minor of course has to turn into bigger problems for me. This is how God tests me lately. Its like he wants to see how much I can take. Everyone keeps telling me to slow down. Well here you go this is me slowing down now. Not by choice.

And if you were counting on me this weekend I apologize I wish I could be doing everything that I had planned.

Super bummed I will miss another weekend with Kenzie. She really is good for my soul. The drive seems like nothing once your in that room with her. My soul could of used some of that lovely soul of hers. I guess Randy and Soni will have to give her extra hugs and lovings for me! Love you guys!!

Next month I will look at this blog and this day will feel like a little bump. I know that. I will get over this and move on. I know how to do that.

Somedays those bumps seem like steep hills to climb. Today is one of those days. That or I am just sick of the bumps.



Time to get my hiking boots on!

Life 1 Katie 0

by the way I promise I am not cutting myself or anything extreme :)

Blessings!

Through this whole thing I have met a lot of AMAZING people. People that probably would have never met if not for this accident. People are have big big hearts. Naomi for wanting to do something. Poor lady something that started small seemed to turn into something huge. Corrie for helping Naomi with everything. I am guessing she helped keep Naomi some what sane. Thank you two sooo much. You never had to do anything and for you wanting to do it good karma is coming your way for sure. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

Nancy and her husband are angels. Talk about beautiful souls! They are amazing human beings. From the very first day I met Nancy she has been a blessing. Her and her husband found a van for Kenzie so she isn't stuck in the nursing home. This is a huge stress reliever for m aunt and uncle. Give Nancy a mission and she will figure it out. She's a beautIful person. Very thankful to have her in my life.

I get a lot of different messages from people everyday that want to help out. One day I got a message from a girl names Katie from Helena who really wanted to help out. So she went out of way d ordered these awesome new bracelets. She use one of the quotes from Kenzies facebook status' "do what they say can't be done". BEAUTIFUL. She also went to her church and talked about Kenzie's situation. AMAZING! Did I mention Katie has never met me or any of my family. Thank you Katie for everything!

I met Twyla when all this first happened. She had never met my family either. But she started the first fundraiser by sitting at Albertsons and selling magnets, stickers, shirts and raffle tickets. She always got me more when I needed. She such a sweet lady. I'd like to also thank the lady who donated her time and supplies for making the first 200!

To everyone that has put time in the fundraisers. People that donated items. For the people who came to the fundraisers. People that have sold and bought everything that has been for sale. And to the people that take the time to read facebook. this blog, and kaylas blog. And for everyone that is praying. I thank you!! You have all been a major blessing to our family!!

"We will always have Paris"

I am starting to get more anxious as there seems less for me to do. I wish I knew away to make it go away. Being busy really helps with this "empty" feeling I am now starting to feel. My reality is starting to hit and I am far from ready. I am super lost. I been grinding my teeth and can't seem to stop and have recently realized have the shakes. I can not concentrate and have no motivation for really anything.

Last week I went to work with a very bad pain in my upper back and felt a cold coming on. I was upset about the cold because I feel it would be a bad choice to visit Kenz with a cold. I rather her body work on healing itself then catching some stupid infection that gave her. Sitting at work the pain in my back got worse it was literaly making mneasous. About a hour into work I was on the ground in the fetal position holding in tears. Finally my coworked called my manager and I took myself to the walk-in clinic. Dr.Ericka saw me and diagnosed me with an inflamed spine. How I got this I have no idea. So I got sent home for two days on medications where I literally just slept and slept. I probably needed this. But I still felt guilty I feel like I wasted my time off. I had planned on going to Lewistown seeing a friend and then seeing Kenzie in Great Falls if cold went away. Now I have a new cold and hope it goes away in time to see Kenzie. Because as selfish as I am. I wouldn't want to get Kenz sick I think I would feel terrible about that.

So I feel guilty I haven't seen Kenzie in two weeks now. I am sure I will get the evil look from her. Honestly being away from her for that long is hard. It makes the reality harder and harder not to see it often. This is all selfish of me.

So here I am sitting without anything to do for her. That helpless feeling is starting to set in..that makes the anxiety set in. Oddly enough I can tell when I have an anexity attack coming and can talk myself into breathing. Breathing is the only way to concur this feeling. Some days thats easier said then done. If I don't stay busy in some sort of way. My brain doesn't do to well when its not occupied. I wish I could share my brain activity with Kenzie :(

When people joke about being brain dead it makes my heart sink. I don't get mad or even say anything. Because I know people don't mean this in a negative way. When did joking become so difficult for me?

I feel bad for guys that I meet. I always give them a test when I meet them. I come off almosty bitchy..I like to see if they can handle it. If you can't handle my personality when you first meet me, you'll never be able to keep up. The other test is can they handle my obsession with Kenize. It really is an obsession. I am slowly learning not to bring it up in every conversation with every person I met. But, I am not perfect but I am trying to be better. I can meet a nice guy but if he says something on a day that I am having a "mental" day then I am probably going to be a little moody.

I wish life was back to normal.

Today I am having a day of regret. I'd kill do things that me and Kenzie had said we would do. I would love to take her to the Deli in Cut Bank. I'd love to roadtrip to see Kayla and Starr. I'd love to have a cousin sleep over with crappy food, masks, movies and all that junk. I regret never really taking the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Today seeing her in her wheel chair brings a pain to my gut. A pain I can not even fully describe. I hate when people tell me I am a good cousin. Because I am not. I could of been better. Theres a lot of times that I regret. I wish I could have one more family gathering with hearing her give her dad a hard time in front of the whole family and Randy giving her the "silent" yelling..I want it back. Her, Kayla and Aunt Soni laughing and seeing Uncle Randys look of disapproval. I miss those giggles. I miss that smile.

I miss her. period.

3 MONTHS

It's the strangest thing to go three months without seeing someone talk or in this case do an hourly facebook status when this person is technically alive. Kenzie is just that "technically" alive. She breaths, has a heart beat, and all that good stuff. But she can't fight with her parents, she can't call her sister late at night and she can not giggle with her best friends. She gets feed on a schedule, she has to have someone wipe her ass, she does pt daily, her parents have to dress and undress her, she can't tell you how she's feeling, and this list could go on. Sometimes I wonder how people imagine Kenz. Because there will be postings like she gave a thumbs up. I wonder if they imagine her clinching her fist and raising her whole hand and her finger being fully extended? Fact is you have to make sure she doesn't make a fist and her finger slowly goes up. Regardless its the most beauitful thing to see. Three months ago she was sleeping beauty. Three months ago I remember praying she'd wake up and life would be some what normal. Was I wrong..sadly. The journey is far from over and hope isn't gone. But there are days when all you can do is cry and yell at God. Why, how!? I don't know how to wrap my brain around it so I stop asking. I see assholes everyday and they get functioning braisn. Then I see all these other people with miracles and here I am jealous. I am an awful person. I just want her miracle too. People say she is lucky to be alive. Answer me this is she really living though?

Its a questins that is hard to answer or even comprehend. I am  not sure I can answer this question. Its sad..its devastating. Today marks three months since the accident three months since the world lost someone amazing.

Bitter Sweet

Today seems hard. Seeing pictures of Kenzie everywhere really makes it a reality for me. I hate right now we have to do a fund raiser for Kenzie. I wish she was here to enjoy this with us today.

I am extremely sad and honored. I am sad because well does there really have to be a reason?

But all the people helping out and all of the donations are amazing. I can't even being to tell you everything that has been donated...think of it and its probably being auctions. Naomi, Nancy and Corrie have done an amazing job! Thank you ladies you have made this journey we are on a little bit easy.

Thank you Rebecca for keeping me busy and bumming around. Thank you Kaylas friends for keeping her company I know she really needed some friend time!!

This is short and sweet because I have to finish getting ready so I can kick Kaylas butt in the dance off..BOOM!

Kayla!!!

Most of you read Kayla (Kenzie's older sister) blog. Amazing does not even begin to describe these blogs. She is so brave to come out with ALL of her feelings. I talk to her on a daily basis and we speak of how each other are feeling that day. We don't usually describe the day as a good or bad day its usually like its a crying day or its not. I am proud of Kayla for fighting her darkest feelings. Until you have been in her shoes you can not even to begin how her heart feels. To judge her is foolish. She is her own human being and her feelings are real. Kayla has lost her best friend in the whole world. She has lost the one person in the world that never judged her for whatever she did or said. Her and Kenzie loved each other unconditionally. They were not just blood sister..they were SOUL sisters.  I feel very protective over Kayla. I love her so much and I do not and can not picture being where she is. I have lost my cousin but that is nothing compareable to what Kayla has lost. I think her blog has been a great escape for her and a great thing for other people to read. Because she covers so many "dark" areas that people don't want to face and she throws them in your face. She lets you into her breaking heart. She is fearless...

John LaPierre

I know this blog says Kenzie Zarn but this is MY blog so figured what the heck! :)



John and Barb LaPierre



The reason I am writing about someone else is because John and his family have a special place to my heart. Before I go on to explain John I'll give you background info.

The reason I know John is because of his daughter Sarah. Sarah is my best friend. We have been best friends since like 6th or 7th grade. The stories we could tell you of each other. My mom use to ask us if we were lesbiens because we hung out so much. We cheered together in high school and she has always been right by side through thick and thin. I remember when she was pregnant with Jayce and her calling me scared and excited. And when Jayce was born I remember seeing how well motherhood made her the happiest I've ever seen her. Or the time when she sent me a picture of her engagement ring and calling me to tell me how it happened. I was there on her wedding day. As we grow up the less we see of each other but honestly my love for Sarah is just as strong. Every girl needs a best friend and I am honored and privelaged to call her mine.

Sarah has three sister (Erin, Christy, and Jenna) and one brother (Matt). They are a very close family and over the years I have gotten to know the whole family. They really are all amazing people. They are all close and dear to my heart.

About two months ago (I may be wrong on my time line here) John was diagnosed with colon cancer. Now as some may know this is one of the toughest cancers. I believe he has like 4 surgeries so far. He's been having complications since the 1st surgery. After his 1st surgery was suppose to recover for a few weeks before he started chemotherphay. But being in out of the hospital since his first sugery has made it hard to fight off the rest of the bad cells. (I am trying to do this story justice I am sure I am missing parts that is why I will attach his caring bridge site so you can learn more and leave him some good thoughts )

As I said the LaPierre family is a very close family. Along with being a family man John does dedicate his time to the Roundup Fire Department. Everyone has been with John every step of the way. They are sellling bracelets for $5 that say "No one fights alone." Along with the bracelets there is an account set up at First Security Bank in Roundup for John. ALSO the next two sundays they are doing a benefit breakfast for John in Roundup. If you are interested anymore info on this you can check the caring bridge site or contact me at ktzarn@gmail.com and I will make sure to send you in the right direction.

Again thank you for reading and if you can keep John and his family in your prayers. They need prayers for him to heal from this last surgery and to make this his LAST surgery so he can take cancer by the balls and tell them where to shove it!!

JOHNS CARING BRIDGE SITE

Strangers

Who knew that so many strangers could and would pray for Kenzie. I know she is amazing..its just heart warming to see everyone. I know there is people who do not have facebook that pray also. Words, hugs, high fives...those will never be able to express how thankful I am for these prayers. Lately my heart feels these prayers, coming from me I feel like that means that these prayers are so powerful. If I can feel them then I know Kenzie feels them too! I can't wait to tell you guys an update. Hopefully I will get to see her this weekend once so I can post something new about her..until then here is some places to check out

First off Kayla's blog..check it out and don't forget to click on her ads everytime someone clicks on an ad it gives her a little money. Plus her writing is amazing!!! kaylas blog!!!

Then there is the PRAY FOR KENZIE fan page!! I update it more then the rest of the family so check it out!! PRAY FOR KENZIE ZARN!!

Last I am going to share the caring bridge website. Here is where my uncle randy and soni do updates also you can leave Kenz a message and more then likely they will read it to our girl!caring bridge!!

Again thank you soo much! The little messages you leave on the page make our hearts warm and help keep the hope! Thank you soo much!!!

Kayla and Kenzie

If you know me then you know I am HUGE into family. Its one of the most important things in my life. I like to plan get togethers so that I can see everyone because I LOVE my whole family with my whole heart!!

Growing up I have always been the baby in the family I am even the youngest when it comes to my siblings..

So when Kayla came around I was sooo excited.



Katie, Kayla, Grandma Mona!!





Growing up I loved seeing Kayla. I even remember holidays spending with her and the one time she got to stay the night at my house. Kayla has always amazed me. I've always known she was amazing person with a great big heart. Before the accident Kayla was figuring out the person she was. She came out to family and friends that she was in love with her best friend Starr..I like to call her Starr-ific, taking time off from school, moving out of state and learning to really make it on "her" own. Its a scary world. She has always been close to her family. So I understand that moving more then 6 hours from home can be fun and scary at the same time. So happy that she made all these transitions to find out who you are. Lets face it I am 25 and I am still learning who I am..very proud of her!  http://lifelovehospitals.blogspot.com/  (THIS IS KAYLAS BLOG READ IT!!)

Then there is Kenzie. The things I remember the most of her when we were younger is thinking she was so cute. I loved that people would say we looked alike. I remember sitting at her house and her hiding behind me from my dad. I remember her cute little smile and playing in the house in the back yard at their house.

As Kenzie got older the more I adored her. She really just enjoyed life. I can not express that enough. She was out enjoying life with friends, sister, and her parents. She loved her house, blue mt dew and music. I always found out new songs with the lyrics she would post of myspace and facebook. I thought man my cousin is such a cool kid. I loved looking at her new pictures she would post on facebook. I love the puddle jumping pictures. Most of her pictures looked like she didn't have a care in the world was just enjoying it. And I always thought she was older then she was. I was always surprised at her "real" age. She was wise beyong her 16 years.

Theres a lot more I could say about her. But I am sure most everyone has heard about all these amazing things about Kenzie. I loved that she cussed, that she didn't like everyone and she was ok to like a little bit of everything. She rocked at life..plain and simple..

The one thing that Kenzie loved is her sister Kayla...

Their relationship is what most sisters wants. You want your sister to be your bestfriend the person you can tell everything too. My sister is 11 years older then me so our relationship is different then theirs. I love my sister and I tell her everything. We had a different relationship and I love our relationship.

Kayla and Kenzie are sisters they are silly arguements we will not call them fights because they weren't fights. And if no matter what Kayla would have Kenzies back and Kenzie would have Kaylas. They talked everyday and if you don't believe me go check out facebook. You can see some of their conversations right there. Their love is one you can not deny and one you can not belittle. They are their own people but when they are together its a force not to reckon with. Seeing them at family events and how they love on each other was really heartwarming. To see the things they say and post of each other makes you want to sing out loud. LOVE.

I miss that the most. I miss Kayla having her best friend. I miss Kaylas heart being full. I miss her posting on Kenzie's page. And I miss Kenzie telling her sister that she missed her and her to get her butt home. I think I might miss that the most more then anything. Kayla loves Kenzie. I know Kenzie would still pick Kayla over anyone. You go to her room and talk about Kayla and she will more then likely perk up. Not even a brain engery can break this bond.



KAYLAS BLOG READ IT!! FOLLOW IT!!LOVE IT!!

http://lifelovehospitals.blogspot.com/

Hard Times Bring Some Close and Push Some Apart

***this was off my phone I apologize now***

To be very honest for a second or two I am at a breaking point lately with a lot of things in my life. Maybe its exhaustion catching up or just putting up with so much for awhile now and just can't hold back anymore.

Let me start out by saying I love my family and friends very much. I am a little disappointed in some people. First off they are doing a doing  fundraiser in Lewistown for Kenz and now this is not far from where my friends live. Sadly enough I believe only two people will be showing up. I know some people have to work, I get it. But just thought I'd have more support. This goes for family too. I believe there is family going. But some family hasn't even seen Kenzie. It blows my mind. Some live out of state I get that too. Just makes me sad because there are people that I looked up to that have disappointed me. That's part of what breaks my heart. I'd support these people and visit them. Oh well life goes on..

I'd just like to also say that I don't expect everyone to visit as much as I do. I am crazy and obsessive. I get people have lives I just figured some people would maybe just come to support me or just the family in general. I know my whole family loves and thinks of Kenzie. And some wish they could be there more.

And there is family that has been there. Don't get me wrong.

Maybe it scares me...what if that was me?

On the Road Again

As I type this blog I am sitting in Kayla and Starr-ific's couch in North Dakota. I've had a few busy days traveling to Great Falls back to Billings. Then to Lewistown and back. And now to Bismarck North Dakota.

In Great Falls I got to see Kenz, Randy and Soni. I got to have a slumber party with Kenz. It was nice to just be around here even if we are both just sleeping. Maybe it's her soul that makes me feel comfortable. She seemed pretty worn out the whole time. I am not sure if its all the pt she's doing or what. I think she was mad that I hadn't been there in a while. At night she gave me her evil look. But in the morning when I was talking to the nurses they said she moved her head all the way towards me. So I believe she can tell voices. That makes me feel better. She did a visitor from a boy and its always interesting to see how people act when they first see Kenz. I felt bad for him I should have gave him a hug but didn't know if that would make him feel more uncomfortable. But Kenz is beautiful and moved her fingers..I am working on making her give people "the finger"

The trip to Lewistown was to raise some money. This is my go to thing to keep my mind occupied. I feel like I am making a difference and that helps. I met some really nice people. I met one asshole. Excuse my language but don't ask me what I am selling then cut me off and say oh  yeah everyone has a cause as you're walking away. Ohh people. Little kids are funny because they are so honest they don't have that filter yet. The best part is when this little boy named shawn came up and asked how much for a bracelet. My friend Ashley said $5. Shawn put his hands in his pockets and you could hear change rattling. He then looked up with a confused look on his face and asked how much is $5 again...oh I know its 2 quarters...oh wait thats a dollar its 3 quarters right? Ashley looked at me giggling asking how many quarters it was. I looked at the cute blonde boy and asked him how many quarters he had and he threw up 4 quarters and a dime and I said SOLD! What a sweet boy. some other girl tried to steal one. Other people told me they should be free. It was interesting and heartwarming for everyone to come check it out. I had a table with pictures of Kenzie then and now on the table along with some papers that Kayla wrote for me. Bless her heart. We had it broken down to 3 different pages. The first one was about Kenzie and some fun facts one of them being she has bad writing. Then there was one about the accident. The third is about her life now and struggles she is challenged with daily. The last one was my favorite and breaks my heart to read it. Kayla asked friends to help her and they wrote about meeting her and missing her now. This has changed a lot of peoples lives. I cannot emphasis this enough. Its heart breaking and heartwarming. I hate to see people hurt. But I love that she had impact on people lives

Hated things that get said.."she looks better then I thought"-I am glad that you think she looks good I agree..but if you have not seen her person or were there in the hospital bed you don't get the whole idea. Talking to Kenzie and her not being able to respond in anyway is heartbreaking she looks beautiful yes I agree. But if you aren't there or weren't there when she first got in the wreck its hard to look at the picture and get the whole idea..this mainly bothers me with family.

One girl said "at least she can sit up"...yeah with a wheelchair or someone making her she can't say oh I won't to sit up and then sit up.

Let me say this I understand when people say things they mean good. I get that. I thank everyone for talking about her praying for her and donating stuff. I appreciate it soo much. things might irritate me but I still appreciate these people..they took the time to think about Kenzie even for just a second is all right in my book

Its A Losing Game

Like an idiot I some how lost the other blog I just wrote..to sum it up I miss Kayla and I miss Kenzie and I my Randy and Soni.

I decided I was going to add pictures to this one and when I went to Kaylas page I saw her head start picture and I knew I wanted to add that one.

Looking at younger pictures of her and Kenzie..I can't help but wish I could go back in that time. Go Back to when we were all so little. When life was easy and everything seemed perfect in our lives..

Yes there are days that I dream of being able to stop this from all happening. That only makes it harder. I wish I could make this all go away. I want to go back in time to being little girls and telling them to be safe...

I feel like a terrible person because some days its hard not to be angry at the girl that was driving. But I know it was an accident I know she would take it back if she can. I know that. But I am human and I want my cousin back. I miss her crazy postings on facebook. I miss texting her anytime something reminded me of her. Sometimes I text her just saying I miss her. I called her cell phone one night. I just miss her. The pain somedays is like mourning a death. I hate that because shes alive and yet here I am crying over a loss.

The world that doesn't know Kenzie really doesn't know what they missing out on. That makes me sad. She is so bright and beautiful. She's her own person and was never afraid to show that. I wish I could enjoy her more. The world is a darker place...

I think of me growing up and someday getting married and having kids..and that makes me sad. Things that I look forward to are things she won't get to enjoy. Some man out there should be heartbroken because I know she was someones soul mate. She would of been an amazing mom.

This is why its hard not to be angry at the drive sometimes. I don't blame her but somedays you need to angry at someone to get over the sadness. But know it just makes me feel worse.

Fighting with my feelings is a norm..

I been planning a Zarn family reunion for the last year..now I am torn if I should continue. I don't know if I can.

Today I am sad, lonely and heartbroken..just heartbroken


enjoy all the old pics..the last one is of the Zarns

just missing her

Today is a day that I was doing good all day....

then out of no where I want to cry..

I think sometimes I forget what has happened like I think its a joke and then reality hits me and I remember.

I miss her today a lot!

high fives!!

(again the majority of this post was done on my phone)





Yesterday my friend Fawna and I walked around our hometown passing out fliers for the raffle/fundraiser they are doing in Lewistown. Its amazing to me how nice people are. It makes my heart melt everytime some stopped to read it. I cant blame them with kenzies big smile on the page how could you not stop? After we put them up i got more requests for bracelets. How amazing!! And someone wanting to donate a quilt. Just great people!!!

I'd like to take time to thank some people who have made this whole situation a little bearble. If I forget anyone I apologize.

Kayla-for letting me vent to you. I know you have a lot going on in your life but you listen to me on my bad days and I appreciate you soo much and love you soo much!

Room mate (Nicole)-For putting up with me every day

Sarah- for texting me and facebooking me just to make sure I am ok. You have a ton going on in your life so you taking the time to see how I am means soo much to me!

Ashley- Thank you for doing errands for me and for visiting Kenzie. I don't know if I could of done it without you

Fawna-for making the "long" walk around town and understand sometimes a girl just needs a vodka

Jackson- for putting up with my crazy :)

Heather (sister)- For helping me out with anything I ask for. You are the reason I am still somewhat sane!

Jeni (sister-in-law)-for getting me at 2 am drunk and having a mental breakdown, for the hugs you seem to know when I really need one. helping me with projects and letting me vent without judging me.

Shane (brother)- for just being my brother and taking me fishing!

My parents- for understanding that somedays I just need to be left alone

Ryan- for answering all my silly medical questions and explaining it to me in normal person language!

town of roundup for being just awesome!

the gals at the flowershop- for selling bracelets, donating and the flowers!!

town of cut bank for making the first fundraiser soo sucessfu!!

to everyone that donated the list is too big to name you all!!

cousin tanya- thank you for all your help and time!!

starr- for being there for kayla. i am positive your the one that keeps her sane!

naomi and the lewistown gal- thank you for you time and deidication. i know how much time and hard work it takes to "throw" a fundraiser together. so thank you soo much.

to everyone that has to listen to me obsess about kenzie :)

to my aunt soni and uncle randy- you have been amazing. You answer every question I bother you with and you let me come bother you guys! I love you guys so much thats nothing new!!

just a few thoughts

Today I thought I'd write something not angry or sad...

So far that is the only line I can come up with

I actually had a lot written down and well its gone.


Lately my struggle with myself is learning to get into a routine again. For awhile I was traveling once a week putting close to 1000 miles in two days once in awhile I would do that in less the 24 hours. I did take some time off to go see Kenzie a few times when my cousin John and Cat went. Going for your first time to see her can be shocking and most certainly heartbreaking.

I want to make it clear that I don't ever feel like I have to be there..like someone is making me. Its a want to be there. My biggest fear is forgetting..people forgetting her. and forgetting her sister. I don't want them to feel like I have ever forgotten them. I don't ever see them feeling that way but its still a fear.

Growing up people have always said me and Kenzie look a like. I see it some days but Kenzie is tall, skinny and goregous. So naturally I take it as a compliment. I think its the brown hair and eyes. I have a few freckles but not as many as Kenz. I'll have to dig up baby photos one day..but for now you can be judge on these photos..enjoy

(I tried to remember all I wrote..of course there was a lot more)

Kenzie Katie

Eyes Wide Open

One thing that drives me absoutly nuts, is when people ask if she has waken up. Mostly people that ask this once a week. My answer is always yes..they get excited and then I explain there is no response in her eyes which means she really isn't look at anything her eyelids are open but thats about as far as it gets. Don't get me wrong by any means I love her eyes being open I love seeing them..now if she could just smile. or talk.

Today is one of those my heart really hurts kind of days. I am not really sure why. Maybe because I had to explain this to girl. And seeing her looking like Kenzie was all of sudden healed broke my heart. Because shes not smart enough to understand me and I will have to have this conversation with her again next week.

Today is a "I want to stay in my bed and just lay there" kind of day. Or I want to drive to Great Falls and hold her hand...

Kenzie is in a nursing home now...and I am having a hard time dealing with this reality now. People seem to be happy she is there. Not me. I feel like her being moved from a hospital to a nursing home is like just taking her to a place to take up space. This could not be the case but she is 16 and shes in a nursing home. Her grandparents are not suppose to visit her there. I can only imagine how heart broken my grandma and grandpa are...which makes my heart break more. She's suppose to visit me in the nursing home or retirement home when I am really REALLY old you know to check to see if its a place she can see herself in. I am not suppose to be here crying because my 16 year old cousin is in a nursing home. I am suppose to be waiting to see pictures of her in her homecoming dress. I am suppose to give her advice if she ever needs some. This is not suppose to be happening. I can't make it stop but I wish I could. I wish I could go back..

People say God wouldn't have done this if he didn't know you were that strong..or God has a path for you, you just have to follow. Or theres some life lesson here, or this makes you stronger and a better person. 1. Really what is the family suppose to do, just leave her and pretend it didn't happen? so I don't get that statement..its almost like asking someone how they are..? you probably don't want the real answer but its the poliete question to ask. 2. This path he has chosen for me...can I chose his path for him or someone else? I'd like to be independent and choose my own path thank you very much. 3. Life lesson's are bullshit. I don't care to learn anything new. 4. Make me a better person. I don't know about the rest of the family but I know this, I was ok with not being a good person. I am ok going back to the person I was. I rather have Kenzie then be some "awesome" person or whatever. I rather have her then learn all these new life lessons, paths, or whatever it is that this is suppose to teach me. I don't care at all.

I am bitter. I am very bitter towards God or whatever it is I am bitter towards. Mostly on days like today where the pain seems unbearable. Kenzie didn't take life forgranted she wasn't sitting at home being depressed. She was enjoying life. Thats what baffles me. Take someone that doesn't give a shit about their life....thats how I feel about that.

Death..its a concept I can't wrap my head around. What Kenzie is going through is worse. Because to me she can't tell us if something is hurting..hell she can't tell us anything. When someone dies at least they are not suffering. I just wish she could talk or communicate. Because if she knows whats going on (in my heart I believe she does) then I can only imagine how frustrating, irritating, and scary this must be for her.

I love and miss you Kenzie more and more everyday

When the world fell apart on me

When we were doing a fundraiser in Cut Bank I would stop on my way there and on my way home. One of the times I was coming back home I of course stopped and saw Kenzie. When I got there it was just Aunt Sandra in the room (Kenzies mom's sister). We sat there and talked and she told me about what she was going. Then Ericka came in the room (the girl who was driving the car in the accident) with her mom. We all sat and chatted and then Patty the ICU nurse came in the room. People were asking her questions about the CT scan that Kenzie got. This would be the first time we would have better knowledge of what we should expect out of Kenzie. Since she's not a doctor and the news hadn't been told to Randy and Soni she couldn't give us the results. So she was explaining what the good news could be and what the bad news could be. And when she was telling this she had her back to Sanda, Erica and her mom. I was sitting on the side and could see Patty's face. As she was explaining how if the results came back that we could never see any improvement in Kenz and if we did it would and could be just minimal. That what we saw now could be as good as it could get for a long time. She was explaining that she could be put into a nursing home or taken home. Now when she said taken home Ericka got excited not knowing that going home would not mean Kenz would be better but that she would still be stuck in a hospital bed. This whole time I started to have trouble breathing, the room seemed really small, the room started spinning. I wanted to either run out of that room screaming or jump in Kenzies bed with her and hold her and beg and plead for her to wake her eyes. Instead I couldn't move and just sat there with tears coming down my face. Because even though Patty never said that we would be getting bad news. In my heart I felt it. I knew it.

I called a few people and told them and everyone kept telling me that I can't give up hope. I would like to start by saying that I have never given up hope. I have to have some kind of reality too because never thinking that this could happen made dealing with this process harder. But when people tell me not to give up hope where it sounds like they think I am giving up all of sudden or they put that on any of the familys pages or what not it makes me want to shake these people. Shake them and say are you serious?! Who is sitting with Kenzie, who is holding her hand, who has to sit there and watch her get poked and taken for surgeries, who has to see her hair get cut (she had such long beautiful hair), whose heart breaks everytime they leave her? Its ok to have a bad day once in awhile and not know how to deal with situation. Everyday its something new. Everyday is a struggle. To question someones hope and faith when it comes to this just baffles me. I know that every person that says this does not really question it. But I am bitter and this is how I feel sometimes.

That ride home was the worst I cried literally from Great Falls to Lewistown. I had to meet up with a lady so I tried to contain myself and it worked. I cried a little on the way from Lewistown to Roundup. Then Roundup to Billings I cried the whole time then too. The next day I looked like hell big puffy eyes. Thats what going to bed crying and waking up crying does to you. I went through the day with the motions. Then at the end of up my shift I saw on caring bridge that the news was bad it wasn't good. I had another anxiety attack was shaking and crying. I couldn't stop myself not matter how much I tried. Poor people had to see me fall apart right in front of them. I am not someone that gets emotional at work at all and I like to think these people see me as a stong person. So for me to have that melt down was embaressing and I aplogized to them for it. I am sure it just make them feel akward more then anything.

I went home and cried and fell asleep. I was exhausted I have never been so dead feeling my whole life. My world seemed to fall apart in those two days.

Days when I struggle the most are the days that I wake up crying and not really knowing why I am crying. When I see people that tend to say fuck life and just take forgranted life. When I see young kids going to school, football and volleyball games and things like that. I won't go to the mall yet because I can't see a homecoming dress. I think I might have a break down. I have to know my weak spots to keep myself from having more bad days. Hearing Kayla be broken is heart breaking but I am glad that she can talk to me and express those feelings to me. I love her very much.

I hate when people just ask how Kenzie is just to be poliete. So to be poliete to them I say she is doing fine. That is always my response. If I like or love you I will explain what is new with her. And I'll usually be honest and tell you that I don't even know a real answer for that. Because she does move and there she looks amazing. But to me my thought process is that she is 16 and she can't tell people where it hurts. So when you ask how Kenzie is and I just fine its because I probably don't know the right answer for this question. Its a question that I can't seem to answer right. So fine or ok seems to be the answer that people are ok with.

I want to say one more time that I have so much hope, faith and love for Kenzie. I pray every day for her. Theres not a second that goes by where I am not thinking about her. I know she has made many improvements and has come a long ways. She has been doing more then the doctors thought she would do. I am human and some of these feelings are just my way of trying to deal with a situation that is unbearable some days. I thank everyone that has ever thought or prayed for her. These have helped her come a long way, I really do believe that.