Being happy somedays is painful. Somedays laughs are painful. Putting a smile on the face is like trying to lift a 200 lb. object. Getting out of bed and going to work somedays seems impossible. Sometimes crying is the best medicine.
Today was a day were I went through the motions. I don't even know what set me off today. But I feel numb and my chest feels full. I have yet to cry. Outraged, sad, upset, disappointed, guilty, STRESS, loved, mad, jealous..these are the start to my feeling today. I am all over the place. I think I have always stressed but never realized that I actually stress. I have always been good at keeping busy and my mind off of things. But as I got out of high school and I was involved less the stress feels ten times worse. I think I actually break out in little rashes because of this rash. I am a happy person. I know I am. I am not overly depressed by any means. I have not had thoughts of suicide since the accident. I don't cut myself. (I hate blood...gross)
I am working really hard to stop asking questions. The one question I keep asking is; Why her? It doesn't make sense. I wish my answer could be answered. I wish we could have her back.
The worst thing about these fund raisers is making flyers and what not for them. I go through all her facebook to find the perfect pictures. Pictures that see it and say I wonder why this young beautiful girl is on this poster. Going back to the pictures is the worst. It kills my heart, its like the person you love telling them they don't love you anymore. Its a pain that no one will ever understand unless it has happened to them. Looking at her smile..it kills me. It hurts so much. Seeing her brown eyes sparkle with that little look she has..I want to see that look again. Her long brown hair curled and her taking a pic of herself in the mirror. I want her back.
Now she has short hair which is fun to rub. She makes the funniest faces. Her smile and her angry face are priceless. She's like a baby where whenever you learn something new about her you fall in love with her more. Which is a weird feeling for me. She is 16 years old, she is not 16 months. I am glad that she is learning more things and improving. DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I am selfish I want her to be getting ready for Christmas break. To start worrying about what she will wear for Prom. Who will be her date. And finishing the awful junior year of high school. I want to love her for being 16 making stupid choices and learning to be an adult and having the time of her life.
I want Kenzie back. I miss her life
Katie I dont know you but have been following the updates since they have been on here. You are not selfish. You have a heart of gold and want everything to be back to normal. The strength that you show and the emotion and the anger that you type with is very good because you arent keeping it all inside. The hardest are the Holiday Seasons where it is suppose to be happy and jolly. This Christmas is special because Kenzie is still with you and getting better day by day. It is like a new chapter in your life and maybe a test from God. You will make this Christmas special because you do have that strength. You make a difference in everybodys life, exspecially when you are typing on here. In a weird sort of way you have made my problems that I have seem very small. I have learned from you to value life and be a positive person for very important people in my life as you are with Kenzie. I hope this makes sence because sometimes I kinda rattle on. Merry Christmas to you and all your family. You are a inspiration to all that will ever read your updates.
ReplyDeleteThank you! You're comments mean a lot. and I get what you are saying. I am glad I can help and that you are cherishing the people you love. Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Thank you for reading and keeping our family in your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteKatie, I have thought about you and the family so much lately. Just thinking about how hard Christmas can be. I am sure she loved shopping, going to the Stroll, keeping secrets, playing in the snow, and all the stuff 16 year olds love about Christmas and Winter. I KNOW and BELIEVE that Kenzie hears everything, senses emotions, and feels the love you are all giving her. Her little brain is working over time! It has to be frustrating to her to know and see and hear, but not express things back to you, yet. You know Kenzie wants you to all have a Blessed Christmas. She wouldn't want you to be sad. Especially if she knew you were sad because of the accident, and where she is in life right now. You don't have to walk around with a smile on your face all the time, or try to fix things. You need to work with your own feelings and emotions. Selfish is okay, mad is okay, hurt is okay, so don't apologize to anyone for any of it. You are such a loving and caring person, I know your shattered heart is going to heal. Just like Kenzie is healing, one step at a time. Love you.
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