Last week I went to work with a very bad pain in my upper back and felt a cold coming on. I was upset about the cold because I feel it would be a bad choice to visit Kenz with a cold. I rather her body work on healing itself then catching some stupid infection that gave her. Sitting at work the pain in my back got worse it was literaly making mneasous. About a hour into work I was on the ground in the fetal position holding in tears. Finally my coworked called my manager and I took myself to the walk-in clinic. Dr.Ericka saw me and diagnosed me with an inflamed spine. How I got this I have no idea. So I got sent home for two days on medications where I literally just slept and slept. I probably needed this. But I still felt guilty I feel like I wasted my time off. I had planned on going to Lewistown seeing a friend and then seeing Kenzie in Great Falls if cold went away. Now I have a new cold and hope it goes away in time to see Kenzie. Because as selfish as I am. I wouldn't want to get Kenz sick I think I would feel terrible about that.
So I feel guilty I haven't seen Kenzie in two weeks now. I am sure I will get the evil look from her. Honestly being away from her for that long is hard. It makes the reality harder and harder not to see it often. This is all selfish of me.
So here I am sitting without anything to do for her. That helpless feeling is starting to set in..that makes the anxiety set in. Oddly enough I can tell when I have an anexity attack coming and can talk myself into breathing. Breathing is the only way to concur this feeling. Some days thats easier said then done. If I don't stay busy in some sort of way. My brain doesn't do to well when its not occupied. I wish I could share my brain activity with Kenzie :(
When people joke about being brain dead it makes my heart sink. I don't get mad or even say anything. Because I know people don't mean this in a negative way. When did joking become so difficult for me?
I feel bad for guys that I meet. I always give them a test when I meet them. I come off almosty bitchy..I like to see if they can handle it. If you can't handle my personality when you first meet me, you'll never be able to keep up. The other test is can they handle my obsession with Kenize. It really is an obsession. I am slowly learning not to bring it up in every conversation with every person I met. But, I am not perfect but I am trying to be better. I can meet a nice guy but if he says something on a day that I am having a "mental" day then I am probably going to be a little moody.
I wish life was back to normal.
Today I am having a day of regret. I'd kill do things that me and Kenzie had said we would do. I would love to take her to the Deli in Cut Bank. I'd love to roadtrip to see Kayla and Starr. I'd love to have a cousin sleep over with crappy food, masks, movies and all that junk. I regret never really taking the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Today seeing her in her wheel chair brings a pain to my gut. A pain I can not even fully describe. I hate when people tell me I am a good cousin. Because I am not. I could of been better. Theres a lot of times that I regret. I wish I could have one more family gathering with hearing her give her dad a hard time in front of the whole family and Randy giving her the "silent" yelling..I want it back. Her, Kayla and Aunt Soni laughing and seeing Uncle Randys look of disapproval. I miss those giggles. I miss that smile.
I miss her. period.
So I feel guilty I haven't seen Kenzie in two weeks now. I am sure I will get the evil look from her. Honestly being away from her for that long is hard. It makes the reality harder and harder not to see it often. This is all selfish of me.
So here I am sitting without anything to do for her. That helpless feeling is starting to set in..that makes the anxiety set in. Oddly enough I can tell when I have an anexity attack coming and can talk myself into breathing. Breathing is the only way to concur this feeling. Some days thats easier said then done. If I don't stay busy in some sort of way. My brain doesn't do to well when its not occupied. I wish I could share my brain activity with Kenzie :(
When people joke about being brain dead it makes my heart sink. I don't get mad or even say anything. Because I know people don't mean this in a negative way. When did joking become so difficult for me?
I feel bad for guys that I meet. I always give them a test when I meet them. I come off almosty bitchy..I like to see if they can handle it. If you can't handle my personality when you first meet me, you'll never be able to keep up. The other test is can they handle my obsession with Kenize. It really is an obsession. I am slowly learning not to bring it up in every conversation with every person I met. But, I am not perfect but I am trying to be better. I can meet a nice guy but if he says something on a day that I am having a "mental" day then I am probably going to be a little moody.
I wish life was back to normal.
Today I am having a day of regret. I'd kill do things that me and Kenzie had said we would do. I would love to take her to the Deli in Cut Bank. I'd love to roadtrip to see Kayla and Starr. I'd love to have a cousin sleep over with crappy food, masks, movies and all that junk. I regret never really taking the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Today seeing her in her wheel chair brings a pain to my gut. A pain I can not even fully describe. I hate when people tell me I am a good cousin. Because I am not. I could of been better. Theres a lot of times that I regret. I wish I could have one more family gathering with hearing her give her dad a hard time in front of the whole family and Randy giving her the "silent" yelling..I want it back. Her, Kayla and Aunt Soni laughing and seeing Uncle Randys look of disapproval. I miss those giggles. I miss that smile.
I miss her. period.
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