Bad Ass Chick? I'd Say So!

Well it seems that Kenzie likes to make me look like a fool. One day I was talking about how she needs to open her eyes and wake up. and then I believe that week she did. Now I am writing about her not moving her limbs well here take a look for yourself. Hours after I posted my last blog this is what I saw on facebook.

Days like that makes me know Kenzie is still in there. She gives really mean faces, which sometimes hurt as bad as her punches I am sure. She gives a silly smile.

 She is always mad at me it seems. She sleeps so much everytime I go there. So this last time I tried to make it up to her and give her a manuicure and get her ready for the big football game this weekend. Of course she was a stubborn brat the whole time making fists and stretching and ruining it. Funny thing is when I was writing on her finger "CATS" and "FTG" she said completely still and didn't move anything. Shes a stinker!

Her hair is getting super long and soon she will look like a real girl again sorry Uncle Randy. They looked like twins here take a look at the twins in action.

She got a van. Thanks too Mike and Nancy Moline! Those two rock at life plain and simple. Now she gets to go on adventures. Me and Kayla want to take her to see breaking dawn.

Since the fundraisers have seemed to stop I feel compeletly helpless. I like to stay busy. So to give me something to do I am starting some projects. If you would like to help or know of anyone that would like to help. Here are my ideas that are still in the brainstorming stage.

I'd like to do a dance for Lewistown high school or junior high. I plan to try to do this off of the school so I don't have to get any sort of permission. I can easily find a dj for this. I know some amazing people. I just need to find a date and location. Also suggestions rather high school or junior high.

I also would like to put on a masquarde ball. I am not sure where yet. But some place. I would need to find a good band, for super cheap who would love to donate their time. If you have any suggestions on this I would love it. I would love to make this an annual thing.

This summer time I would like to find an outdoor venue and get some bands and people that just love music thing. I want to call this event "shaking it for Kenzie" I would like to make this an annual event also. Someday we will be able to put the money raised at this event to kids with brain injuries. These are just thoughts that are going through my head if you would like to help, give me ideas, or know some people please let me know I can use all the help I can get.

email me at ktzarn@gmail.com

"We will always have Paris"

I am starting to get more anxious as there seems less for me to do. I wish I knew away to make it go away. Being busy really helps with this "empty" feeling I am now starting to feel. My reality is starting to hit and I am far from ready. I am super lost. I been grinding my teeth and can't seem to stop and have recently realized have the shakes. I can not concentrate and have no motivation for really anything.

Last week I went to work with a very bad pain in my upper back and felt a cold coming on. I was upset about the cold because I feel it would be a bad choice to visit Kenz with a cold. I rather her body work on healing itself then catching some stupid infection that gave her. Sitting at work the pain in my back got worse it was literaly making mneasous. About a hour into work I was on the ground in the fetal position holding in tears. Finally my coworked called my manager and I took myself to the walk-in clinic. Dr.Ericka saw me and diagnosed me with an inflamed spine. How I got this I have no idea. So I got sent home for two days on medications where I literally just slept and slept. I probably needed this. But I still felt guilty I feel like I wasted my time off. I had planned on going to Lewistown seeing a friend and then seeing Kenzie in Great Falls if cold went away. Now I have a new cold and hope it goes away in time to see Kenzie. Because as selfish as I am. I wouldn't want to get Kenz sick I think I would feel terrible about that.

So I feel guilty I haven't seen Kenzie in two weeks now. I am sure I will get the evil look from her. Honestly being away from her for that long is hard. It makes the reality harder and harder not to see it often. This is all selfish of me.

So here I am sitting without anything to do for her. That helpless feeling is starting to set in..that makes the anxiety set in. Oddly enough I can tell when I have an anexity attack coming and can talk myself into breathing. Breathing is the only way to concur this feeling. Some days thats easier said then done. If I don't stay busy in some sort of way. My brain doesn't do to well when its not occupied. I wish I could share my brain activity with Kenzie :(

When people joke about being brain dead it makes my heart sink. I don't get mad or even say anything. Because I know people don't mean this in a negative way. When did joking become so difficult for me?

I feel bad for guys that I meet. I always give them a test when I meet them. I come off almosty bitchy..I like to see if they can handle it. If you can't handle my personality when you first meet me, you'll never be able to keep up. The other test is can they handle my obsession with Kenize. It really is an obsession. I am slowly learning not to bring it up in every conversation with every person I met. But, I am not perfect but I am trying to be better. I can meet a nice guy but if he says something on a day that I am having a "mental" day then I am probably going to be a little moody.

I wish life was back to normal.

Today I am having a day of regret. I'd kill do things that me and Kenzie had said we would do. I would love to take her to the Deli in Cut Bank. I'd love to roadtrip to see Kayla and Starr. I'd love to have a cousin sleep over with crappy food, masks, movies and all that junk. I regret never really taking the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Today seeing her in her wheel chair brings a pain to my gut. A pain I can not even fully describe. I hate when people tell me I am a good cousin. Because I am not. I could of been better. Theres a lot of times that I regret. I wish I could have one more family gathering with hearing her give her dad a hard time in front of the whole family and Randy giving her the "silent" yelling..I want it back. Her, Kayla and Aunt Soni laughing and seeing Uncle Randys look of disapproval. I miss those giggles. I miss that smile.

I miss her. period.

Eyes Wide Open

One thing that drives me absoutly nuts, is when people ask if she has waken up. Mostly people that ask this once a week. My answer is always yes..they get excited and then I explain there is no response in her eyes which means she really isn't look at anything her eyelids are open but thats about as far as it gets. Don't get me wrong by any means I love her eyes being open I love seeing them..now if she could just smile. or talk.

Today is one of those my heart really hurts kind of days. I am not really sure why. Maybe because I had to explain this to girl. And seeing her looking like Kenzie was all of sudden healed broke my heart. Because shes not smart enough to understand me and I will have to have this conversation with her again next week.

Today is a "I want to stay in my bed and just lay there" kind of day. Or I want to drive to Great Falls and hold her hand...

Kenzie is in a nursing home now...and I am having a hard time dealing with this reality now. People seem to be happy she is there. Not me. I feel like her being moved from a hospital to a nursing home is like just taking her to a place to take up space. This could not be the case but she is 16 and shes in a nursing home. Her grandparents are not suppose to visit her there. I can only imagine how heart broken my grandma and grandpa are...which makes my heart break more. She's suppose to visit me in the nursing home or retirement home when I am really REALLY old you know to check to see if its a place she can see herself in. I am not suppose to be here crying because my 16 year old cousin is in a nursing home. I am suppose to be waiting to see pictures of her in her homecoming dress. I am suppose to give her advice if she ever needs some. This is not suppose to be happening. I can't make it stop but I wish I could. I wish I could go back..

People say God wouldn't have done this if he didn't know you were that strong..or God has a path for you, you just have to follow. Or theres some life lesson here, or this makes you stronger and a better person. 1. Really what is the family suppose to do, just leave her and pretend it didn't happen? so I don't get that statement..its almost like asking someone how they are..? you probably don't want the real answer but its the poliete question to ask. 2. This path he has chosen for me...can I chose his path for him or someone else? I'd like to be independent and choose my own path thank you very much. 3. Life lesson's are bullshit. I don't care to learn anything new. 4. Make me a better person. I don't know about the rest of the family but I know this, I was ok with not being a good person. I am ok going back to the person I was. I rather have Kenzie then be some "awesome" person or whatever. I rather have her then learn all these new life lessons, paths, or whatever it is that this is suppose to teach me. I don't care at all.

I am bitter. I am very bitter towards God or whatever it is I am bitter towards. Mostly on days like today where the pain seems unbearable. Kenzie didn't take life forgranted she wasn't sitting at home being depressed. She was enjoying life. Thats what baffles me. Take someone that doesn't give a shit about their life....thats how I feel about that.

Death..its a concept I can't wrap my head around. What Kenzie is going through is worse. Because to me she can't tell us if something is hurting..hell she can't tell us anything. When someone dies at least they are not suffering. I just wish she could talk or communicate. Because if she knows whats going on (in my heart I believe she does) then I can only imagine how frustrating, irritating, and scary this must be for her.

I love and miss you Kenzie more and more everyday

When the world fell apart on me

When we were doing a fundraiser in Cut Bank I would stop on my way there and on my way home. One of the times I was coming back home I of course stopped and saw Kenzie. When I got there it was just Aunt Sandra in the room (Kenzies mom's sister). We sat there and talked and she told me about what she was going. Then Ericka came in the room (the girl who was driving the car in the accident) with her mom. We all sat and chatted and then Patty the ICU nurse came in the room. People were asking her questions about the CT scan that Kenzie got. This would be the first time we would have better knowledge of what we should expect out of Kenzie. Since she's not a doctor and the news hadn't been told to Randy and Soni she couldn't give us the results. So she was explaining what the good news could be and what the bad news could be. And when she was telling this she had her back to Sanda, Erica and her mom. I was sitting on the side and could see Patty's face. As she was explaining how if the results came back that we could never see any improvement in Kenz and if we did it would and could be just minimal. That what we saw now could be as good as it could get for a long time. She was explaining that she could be put into a nursing home or taken home. Now when she said taken home Ericka got excited not knowing that going home would not mean Kenz would be better but that she would still be stuck in a hospital bed. This whole time I started to have trouble breathing, the room seemed really small, the room started spinning. I wanted to either run out of that room screaming or jump in Kenzies bed with her and hold her and beg and plead for her to wake her eyes. Instead I couldn't move and just sat there with tears coming down my face. Because even though Patty never said that we would be getting bad news. In my heart I felt it. I knew it.

I called a few people and told them and everyone kept telling me that I can't give up hope. I would like to start by saying that I have never given up hope. I have to have some kind of reality too because never thinking that this could happen made dealing with this process harder. But when people tell me not to give up hope where it sounds like they think I am giving up all of sudden or they put that on any of the familys pages or what not it makes me want to shake these people. Shake them and say are you serious?! Who is sitting with Kenzie, who is holding her hand, who has to sit there and watch her get poked and taken for surgeries, who has to see her hair get cut (she had such long beautiful hair), whose heart breaks everytime they leave her? Its ok to have a bad day once in awhile and not know how to deal with situation. Everyday its something new. Everyday is a struggle. To question someones hope and faith when it comes to this just baffles me. I know that every person that says this does not really question it. But I am bitter and this is how I feel sometimes.

That ride home was the worst I cried literally from Great Falls to Lewistown. I had to meet up with a lady so I tried to contain myself and it worked. I cried a little on the way from Lewistown to Roundup. Then Roundup to Billings I cried the whole time then too. The next day I looked like hell big puffy eyes. Thats what going to bed crying and waking up crying does to you. I went through the day with the motions. Then at the end of up my shift I saw on caring bridge that the news was bad it wasn't good. I had another anxiety attack was shaking and crying. I couldn't stop myself not matter how much I tried. Poor people had to see me fall apart right in front of them. I am not someone that gets emotional at work at all and I like to think these people see me as a stong person. So for me to have that melt down was embaressing and I aplogized to them for it. I am sure it just make them feel akward more then anything.

I went home and cried and fell asleep. I was exhausted I have never been so dead feeling my whole life. My world seemed to fall apart in those two days.

Days when I struggle the most are the days that I wake up crying and not really knowing why I am crying. When I see people that tend to say fuck life and just take forgranted life. When I see young kids going to school, football and volleyball games and things like that. I won't go to the mall yet because I can't see a homecoming dress. I think I might have a break down. I have to know my weak spots to keep myself from having more bad days. Hearing Kayla be broken is heart breaking but I am glad that she can talk to me and express those feelings to me. I love her very much.

I hate when people just ask how Kenzie is just to be poliete. So to be poliete to them I say she is doing fine. That is always my response. If I like or love you I will explain what is new with her. And I'll usually be honest and tell you that I don't even know a real answer for that. Because she does move and there she looks amazing. But to me my thought process is that she is 16 and she can't tell people where it hurts. So when you ask how Kenzie is and I just fine its because I probably don't know the right answer for this question. Its a question that I can't seem to answer right. So fine or ok seems to be the answer that people are ok with.

I want to say one more time that I have so much hope, faith and love for Kenzie. I pray every day for her. Theres not a second that goes by where I am not thinking about her. I know she has made many improvements and has come a long ways. She has been doing more then the doctors thought she would do. I am human and some of these feelings are just my way of trying to deal with a situation that is unbearable some days. I thank everyone that has ever thought or prayed for her. These have helped her come a long way, I really do believe that.

Firsts

(side note: most of this post was written on my phone so I apologize now if its not written good at all haha)

The night of the accident I was at work. I had planned on working past my 8 hours so I could get as many hours in before my vacation. Well, as I walking pack to the desk I decided to check facebok really fast. I was reading updates and was actually going to creep on a status kenz had posted earlier that day (what it said I do not even recall). When I saw Kaylas name on facebook obviously I had to stop and look. When I saw "Please pray for my little sister" I was hoping it was a joke they were doing. I tried to read the comments but the first one I saw was something about a hospital. I saw that word and had to brace myself.I called kayla and as soon as I heard her crying I had to sit down. I remember what she said "Kenzie has been in an accident she has a head injury and her brain is really hurt the doctors say its really bad." I didnt know what to say or how to act. Igot off the phone and just sat there shocked. My coworker was asking questions about work and the only thing I could do was ignore her and call my mom. after I got off the phone I decided I better go home. I called and texted my family that I had numbers for. when I got home I sat in my car when it started to rain it felt like the world was crying for me. I couldn't feel anything at that point and I all of sudden had a lot of energy. It took all I had to lay down in bed without going crazy.


While laying in bed I got a text from my uncle Randy saying Kenzie got in a bad accident and she was being flown to Great Fallls if I could call and let me parents know. As soon as I got that I knew it was really bad. That night I think I got a total of 2 hours of sleep. The next day was my birthday so I was getting texts and calls in the early am telling me happy birthday. I also got an early wake up call asking if I could work 7-5 since people called in sick. As I was getting ready for work I just started bawling. Putting on my makeup was pointless because I had to keep redoing it. I am sure my roommate thought I was crazy with me talking to myself. I kept saying "Katie you got to pull it together. She's going to be fine. Your going to be fine." Work helped because I stayed busy and got through my day without another tear. The day after that I tried my hardest to make it through work. But I just couldn't take it anymore I had to get to her. So I left work early and me and my friend Ashley started our vaca a little early and spent a few hours with Kenzie.

The first time I saw Kenzie in the hospital..it was, well theres not really a word for how I really felt. We got there and I got this energy all of sudden and I felt sick to my stomache. I had no idea what I was going to see. When I got to the room she looked huge. She was so swollen. As soon as I thought I was going to cry someone told me to put hand sanitizer on and it snapped me out of the wanting to cry. Standing next to her was difficult I felt very scared. I didn't want to touch her, I was afraid to touch her. I did touch her hand. We left at midnight when the night nurse kicked us out.

On our way back from our vaca we stopped at the hospital again. This time Kenz was in a surgery so I saw my uncle for a quick second then we went and saw Kayla. But as soon as I walked out of the hospital leaving my uncle I broke down. I couldn't even try to stop crying even if I tried. Thank God for friends. I saw Kayla and she looked so put together. I been so proud of Kayla through all of this. She is learning so much about herself and life out of this and the whole world gets to see her struggle and succed every day. She's such an amazing person. I love her more and more everyday. People see what she writes on her blog and her facebook. But they don't see her in the hospital holding her sisters hand, doing her nails, or standing in the hall way crying. No one see's any of that. I love her so much for the little things that no one will ever see. I am so proud of her putting her heart and soul into her writing. She never holds back on her feelings and that is such a powerful quality to have! I love you Kayla!!