Kayla sent me a website that had an article on the stages of grief and she asked where I am at. I keep thinking about this all the time. I have started to hit reality and have guilty feelings all the time of not being able to be there. My heart hurts every time I see old pictures and it breaks looking at old pictures. I feel like some days I feel like other members of my family aren't feeling these same feelings. I don't get it. My heart hurts but I can't post it all over facebook and what not because how depressing is it to see that Katie is sad again. I am not known for be sad and depressed. I don't like it. I do my best to stay busy at all times. This would be the cause for me going out a lot. Interacting with people is my medicine.
Tonight I feel like hell and I been working 12 hour days. People are not my medicine. Downtime is enemy and I frightened of it. Terrified..I let my mind wander and sometimes it goes to the dark side. Once I start going I can't stop. I know when its happening but sometimes I think I enjoy the pain it reminds me that I am still a human and that I am not numb. I told Kayla I'd be more scared if she wasn't having hard days. These hard days reminds me that we are human and that are "feelers" still work. I still have the ability to cry, laugh, and be angry.
To be honest until now life was somewhat easy. There were stressful things in my life. I had lost close people in my life. I have have fallen in love and thought I had the person I was going to marry only to be wrong. But this is a feeling I have yet to feel. Heart broken? Stressed? I mourn the life of someone EVERYDAY that is actually alive. Its the most awful and confusing feeling. I don't even know if I explained that in the right way.
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