DEATH

This time of year is always hard for me. Right now I been thinking a lot about my buddy Mike. He commited suicide a few years back. Whenever times are really tough and I need a friend to sit on the couch and chat about sucky things or if I can't sleep at night I could run to him. His death was a huge shocker I think I laughed a little when I found out. I was at my sister-in-laws work with my mom. Mom was getting her hair done. I got a text from Jackson (boyfriend) at the time. I thought what a terrible joke. He kept saying it was true. OH MY GOD is all could say over and over again. That feeling haunts me. The first time I was back in Cut Bank after the funeral I needed him more then over. I had just got some awful new from then boyfriend my heart was broke and the one person that I wanted to run to was dead...gone. Up until now I thought that was the worse way to lose someone.

Me and Kayla had a conversation and death came up. If Kenzie doesn't get her miracle. The cause of death will probably be some complication with something like an infection. This is my reality not everyday I can't think of butterflies or what have you. I have to prepare myself for what can come. Because as I said before its more heart breaking to be lost in a fantasy world when the worst does come. I imagine this feeling when it happens to be such a mixed of emotions. From some what of a sigh of relief to know that she is not in pain or anything anymore. Then there is the guilt of feeling this. I am on rollercoaster of emotions now I am not ready for that ride. I am hoping that none of you reading this think that I am hoping for this or wish for this to happen. I am on the fence about everything. I still have hope. Somedays I struggle with it. But I never wish death upon anyone. I wish for a healthy brain from her. That would be the idea want and wish from me.

I am starting to try to better myself. Going back to school and getting back to the gym. This gym thing is tough because its so much down time to think. One day I came from the gym crying I got on facebook and there was a picture of Kenz (before accident) and I had a panic attack. When in her nursing room I feel overwhelmed by all of her then pictures. Its heart breaking. Its like a slap in the face. Its like I don't know why I am still breathing. As I said before its a roller coaster of emotions.

Everyday is a struggle and everyday its doesn't involve Kenzie. But everyday I have a struggle with life. I am ready for a life vacation. I use to joke that I wish I could be put into a coma and then woken up when ready. Oh how childish of me to think those.

As I said this part of the year until after new years is a hard time for me. Its the anniversary of a lot of deaths and it brings a lot of emotions I apologize now for the dark places I may go. But life is sucky sometimes and sometimes I want to talk about it. Bottling things up is unsafe for me.

I wish everyone a Happy and Safe Halloween!!!

maybe I'll post a pic of my undark costume afterwards!!

Since I posted this after Halloween here is a pic