My Accident

I been debating since Halloween time whether I wanted to blog about the accident I was involved in or not.

Here we go..I was coming down a hill coming into Lewistown and there were two vehicles parked on the side of the road (one I did not see until way tooooo late). I tried to slow down so there was enough room for me, the vehicle on the side and the on coming vehicle (mind you it was snowing pretty good too). I ended up losing control of the vehicle. Went in to the ditch. This is when I saw the second vehicle. Outside of the vehicle there were two boys talking to the driver and not looking at me coming. I couldn't control my vehicle what so ever. I tried stopping. I prayed. I cussed. I screamed. I shut my eyes. When my vehicle came to a stop I couldn't open my door fast enough. Falling out of my car thinking I just killed one possibly two people. I can not describe the feeling I felt at that moment. But for a minute (which felt like a lifetime) I thought my world had just stopped because I ruined a families world. One boy came over to ask if I was ok. I got out and was screaming making sure everyone was ok. Next I know the truck that I hit was saying "We got to get out of here" and like that they almost hit my car and were gone. I stood there in shock and relief. The boys helped me get more off the high way and then they soon left. So here i am sitting wondering what the heck to do. Of course I called 911 and sat there for about an hour or more talking. The truck eventually called in the wreck is also.

All night I wondered about the car that drove away..were they drinking? Were they some where they were not suppose to be? Did they have a license? Were the scared? ARE THEY OK?!?!

The next morning one of the mothers got my uncles number and calle him and wanted to talk to me. I had to think about it most of the day. What do I say to kids that left me and didn't stay to make sure that I was ok.

My thought process was long. I thought of Kenzie...but mostly I thought of the driver of Kenzie's accident..

This is what I told the girls that called to apolgized for leaving me. (I left some things out)

First thank you for stepping up and apologizing I appreicate it. I am sure you know who my cousin is and what happened to her. I want you to understand what happened last night could of been bad, it could of turned out really bad. If Kenzies driver of the accident would of got scared and just left her there..Kenzie would not be alive. She saved Kenzies life that night. There are so many other possibilities of what could of happened to me that night. Not only that, if you guys would of been hurt I would of felt so awful for hitting you. This ended alright and now you need to take this expeience and learn from it.

I really do hope that those girls do learn from that experince and no matter what if that happens again they stay on the scene.

I want to take a moment to Thank the driver of Kenzies accident. Something terrible happened to that night. More than two lives were changed that night. One is being publicly documented for the whole world to see. the other life has to take the grunt of it. Some may not agree with me in what I am saying, but thats ok, you can't really ever understand what that girl is going through. She could of stayed in the car or stayed there and just screamed. Instead she looked for Kenzie found her and called 911. I just want to thank you for being responsible and doing that. How she found Kenzie was awful. Imagine your best friend not moving, not knowing if she is breathing, bloodm and skin missing. Now imagine you are 16. So thank you for saving her that night and giving us a chance to keep Kenzie.

and to those girls the night of my accident. I am sorry for that night.

Someday I would like to travel to schools and talk to kids about the dangers of driving carelessly. You grow up thinking that bad things don't happen to good people. You grow up and realize why everyone tried to hold on to your youth for you.

 Life can be beautiful and it can be so beauitfully miserable also where you wonder how you are still standing.

My Trip To Helena

I can not begin to thank you to the 35 people that took the time to write a letter. The words that you said brought tears to my eyes but warmth to my heart. This is something I never expected to win an award for. This is my family and something that has grown very close to my heart. What are you suppose to do when times get tough? Stick together and the kick the butt out of the problem?

Thank you to Lorna Palin and Kayla Zarn for taking the time and getting so many people to write. very good job at keeping it a secret.

It was so nice to be able to spend time with my family (including Twyla and Bill).

Wait lets get off track for a second. I can not say Thank YOU enough for Twyla and Bill coming into MY life. Anytime I need help with anything she is the FIRST person to come to my side. There is a lot of things that I would not have been able to do if it wasn't for Twyla. Theres a few things that she has done that she doesn't want acknowledgement for. Which kills me. I think Twyla should of deserved this award not me. She started the first fundraiser without even meeting my family. Again I can not put into words how much Twyla and her family mean to me!

ok back on track...
Getting time to spend quality time with my family was very nice. Aunt Soni came without the family. Cousin Tanya came with out her family gang as well. It was nice for them to be able to come be individuals again and get to spend some time!

So after dinner they start the awards. When they announce the 35 letters. My family gets super excited I am sure I turn red and get anxious. They announce my name and I go up there. LOL wrong move! (thats what the last person did) I figured my speech thing was short...well nope, I had to sit up there while he read the two page paper. Everyone cried, I wanted to, but I have learned how to hide my emotions over the past year. The guy had mentioned as he read the paper that I needed to get a job with them.

They gave me a copy of all the letters. I can not begin to thank the people. Like I said they made me tear up. here is some examples what was said...

My name is ******. I would like to nominate Katie Zarn for the award. Her cousin’s name is Kenzie Zarn. She was in a very bad car accident last year and has suffered really bad brain damage. I have brain damage too, but not because of an accident. I was born with brain damage. I am 41 years old, and I just got to meet Katie Zarn last week at the ZooMontana. Katie was doing a fundraiser for Kenzie and so more people would know about Traumatic Brain Injuries. Katie let my Mom take a picture of Katie and me. Katie is one of my heroes because she cares about people like me and Kenzie, and does something all the time to help. I am sorry if I don’t make sense. My Mom let me write my own letter, and sometimes I get mixed up.
Thank you.

"I have known Katie for about 5 years. When I first met Katie, she was just another person. I didn't look at her and see someone that was a huge inspiration or someone that would go on to change hundreds of people's lives. To me, she wasnt anything special.

Now, 5 years later, that view point has changed. I look at Katie and I see someone who took the time to help. When the rest of the family was in survival mode, trying to remember how to breathe, Katie started to change lives."

"I am writing this in regards to Katie Zarn. Although I don't know her personally I already took up to her at a distance. In the face of adversity and tragedy she has held strong and taken hold of an opportunity to change other people's lives."

"Katie inspires people to be better people, she reminds everyone that just because your friend or family member has had a brain injury doesn't change the fact that they are warm loving humans that need friendships love and support!"

"The accident would have torn apart most families but the Zarns are different. What could have caused them all to scatter only served to bring them closer. One of the most amazing aspects of their family dynamic is "Cousin Katie" and her get out there and do something attitude. Katie has organized events to raise funds to raise awareness for Traumatic Brain Injuries, not just for her cousin Kenzie but for anyone who is affected by these life altering events.

This girl is a machine; I have no idea where she gets her energy and drive but I believe that it's safe bet to say it stems from love her cousin, loyalty to her family and a desire to fight for a cause she truly believes in."

"Being a leader is always doing what's right, even if you're not always acknowledged for it."

"She is an Angel, and a huge inspiration to me and to all who know her. Her love and devotion to family knows no bounds. I know Kenzie is very proud of Katie, and lobed her dearly."

"When tragedy happens, especially to a loved one, someone you've grown up with and care about more than anything. all you want to do is crawl up in a little ball and hide away from the world that is crumbling in on you. You don't want to think, you just want it all to stop. Some shut out everyone and everything to get by. Instead, Katie took her pain from her cousin's terrible accident and put all her energy into not only fighting for her cousin but also others in the same condition. Katie has gone about and beyond what is expected of a victim's grieving family member to bring some light to a dark situation."

"Katie is an extremely driven caring person who has risen above and beyond what I would have ever expected or have witnessed in many other individuals or organizations."

"In just one year Katie has managed to teach me to think of others more, be a better friend and person, and to have more fun with life because you never know when you won't have the chance anymore"

"Katie has taken a terrible tragedy and done her best to make something positive come out of it."

"Katie volunteered a huge portion of her timd to her help her family. Not because she had to, or because she would hope to be recognized for it, but because she loves her cousin and her family with all her heart. That's the only reason she needed. And feel that's a huge reason why she is worthy of this honor"

"I want to start this off by saying that I do not personally know Katie Zarn. Although, despite this fact all that she is and has done her family has touched me deeply, and that really speaks volumes for her character."

there is a lot more but some of them would give away who wrote it. here is a sample of what was written.

I am very touched. I am lucky girl to have you all in my life.

With this comes great sadness. I pray everyday that no one has to go through this nightmare.

Photos from the event!

Remember be smart and protect that brain of yours!!!

One Accident...

I started this blog over a year ago. I remember when I was struggling to come up with a title for the blog...

One accident can change everything..

Melissa MacKenzie Zarn did truly change my life drastictically. I am not sure there is one part of my life that did change in some sort of way from this accident. To think I wasn't even in the vehicle, I had no physical damage to me, I do not have any nightmares about the rolling of the car, and I can't even tell you what road they were on for sure.

All I know is that my life has changed in good and bad ways.

Kenzie may never know how her accident some how improved my life. I was going down a path of not caring about anything and making bad choices. No I wasn't doing drugs or anything crazy.

I go through life realizing that things could really be worse. When I think its gotten to be so bad I think how selfish of me to think that. There are so many more people out there that are worst off then I ever will be. I have learned to really care and grow a passion for something.

People say "everything happens for a reason" I am not sure if I believe that yet or not. But I do know, that everything you do will some how effect the rest of your life whether it be small or big.

I knew I loved Kenzie since she was a small child. I never realized that she would have such an impact on my life.

Sometimes I feel guilty for the life I live while she is where she is.

My biggest wish from the accident that is other people learn from this..

Shake It For Kenzie 2012 in the books!

Well, if you didn't make it to Shake it For Kenzie, you really missed out on some great music, weather, and a great time all together!

Shake It For Kenzie was an event that I spent months and months of planning. Stressful? yes! Worth the time, stress, and whatnot. Must of been because I am already working on next years event. I am hoping to be making a HUGE annoucement sometime this winter about a BIG Perfomance. So Get ready to mark you calendars because Shake It For Kenzie 2013 is something you do not want to miss

Thank you to all the musicians that came out. I can honestly say that I had some of the best music in Billings!!

Thank you to The Brain Injury Association of Montana for helping with all the great information for people!

We raised over $2600 when it was all said and done. Most importantly I hope we educated people about the importance of protecting yourself from a brain injury. here you go here are some photos! If you want to see more of the fun check out the photos on facebook

525 948.766 minutes

Its almost been a year. Next Wenesday it will be a year since the accident.

I can still remember the night like it was yesterday...

A year hasn't it made it eaiser. If anything a year has made it harder. I have learned to keep a smile on my face as I tell the story. I have learned to recite the accident over and over again. I have learned how to answer the same question over and over again without crying or getting frustrated.

One accident can change everything..how true that statement is.

My life choices have changed. I have grown up and realized that I need to make not only smart choices for myself but for my loved ones.

I think that bad things happen to everyone. I do not think my familys story is any worse or any less than anyones. It breaks my heart everyday to think of the life that was lost. To think of the possibilities there were for McKenzie. She was barley 16 when the accident happened. She barley had started her life.

But again you all know this..

A year has gone by and the number of people Kenzie's story has touched is heart warming. I still meet people that tell me they Pray for her. The support from complete strangers has really made me want to be a better person.

With all that said I would still stop the world if I could,just to have her back. To have her long brown hair, to see her in her cowboy boots and to see a cheesy grin on that freckeled face again.

A year has gone by and I think I miss her more than ever. My heart is very heavy this week and it seems like a struggle to put on the brave face I have tried to have this past year. It being a year all the feelings of that first week come back. The nights where I cried all night and would call her phone. The feeling of not believing it was really happening. The thought of thinking she was just going to wake up and be ok. The day I realized that was not going to happen. I can still smell the ICU room, see Nurse's facial expression, and I can see her there with wires everywhere. This makes me dizzy all over again and my world seems so tiny again.

My world has changed and I have learned not to be such a selfish person. This hasn't been a "I have found God" expeience. This has been a I want to be a better person experience. Maybe God was never lost in my life?

If I could give you one honest and simple piece of advice it would be this. Next time you are about to make a bad decision...whether it be riding a bike (motorcycle, bicycle..ect) with out a helmet, get behind the wheel after a few drinks, don't put on a seat belt, speed, drive tired or anything else...think about your loved ones. Think twice!

To put someone through this pain in awful. I would never in a million years wish for any mother or father have to make a decision to keep their child alive or not or any family member/loved one for that matter. Don't think about you as you make a selfish simple choice next time. How would you feel if they were the ones that did not make a smart choice and you had to deal with the consequences? Be safe and smart and make good choces. Accidents happen make the right choices so they aren't deadly.

The girls made two poor choices that day to speed and not wear a seat belt that day. Something awful happened and more than two lives were affected that day.

At first it was about raising money to help my family. Raising awareness for the cause has become so dear and close to my heart. It is something that I am very passionate about. This Shake It For Kenzie fundraiser at the Zoo next Saturday is just the start of helping raise the awareness for something affects millions of families. I meet someone at least every other week that has a story. I am excited to be giving back and spreading the word. Here is the organization we are donating too

With that being said I hope to see you all out at Zoo Montana in Billings on July 14th! We have 7 (possibly 8) live acts! and we will have food and soft drinks from Qdoba. And some Yellowstone Valley Brewing Company Beer there and some yard games families can play. This all kicks off at 3 pm. look forward to seeing you all there!!!

if you want to purchase tickets you can purchase them through me Katie (4068604190) I accept checks, cash and paypal. or you can stop in at the Zoo or at Yellowstone Valley Brewing Company here in Billings! I will be out at Dehler Park this Sunday (July 8th)starting at 5:30 selling tickets and just chating with people about our cause at Koncerts For Kidz. Its a free event for the whole family that is put on by the Brain Injury Support Group of Billings. Come check it out and say hello to me!

Summer Fun!!

I have been sucking at blogging but I have also been super busy. I actually should not be sitting here writing this but what the heck!! I literally just got back with meeting man that had a traumatic brain injury who does a lot of fundraising. He blew my mind!! Not only did he get a brain injury but he also has was stabbed last summer! What!? Yeah, totally serious. This mad has a heart of love!! He told me that his accident was really a blessing. What a gem!! Anyways, I been so busy with sooo much mostly the Shake It For Kenzie event. Can you believe it we are only just a little over a month away. We have 8..yes that is not a typo we have 8 musical acts!!! Yellowstone Brewing Company will be supplying us with some delicious beverages! We have a photographer, face painting and sooo much more. you will have to come out to check it out. Tickets are $10. You can buy them with me 860-4190, Zoo Montana, or Yellowstone Brewing Company. (tickets will be available next week!) Also we are raffling off entries to the Dirty Dash. If you want to go but don't want to go and have been fighting with yourself. How about you buy a raffle ticket and if you win then heck you better go. Raffle tickets are $1 a piece or $5 for 6. We will be raffling them off at the end of the month we have five pairs to raffle off get them now. call or text 406-860-4190! I think that is all I need to update for now. I am sure I forgot something..so until next time remember to be smart and safe and not dumb and unsafe. You only have one brain use it wisely!

A Starry Night-Roundup Adult Prom 2012

First I'd like to thank some people for all the help! Thank you to my friends and family that had to deal with my crazy self and the silly ideas I tried to come up with. Thank you to Amanda Turley for pretty much anything I asked for. Thank you to Jessica, Rebecca and Jeni for making my balls.Thank you to my sister Heather for doing all my errands Thank you to everyone. When I first got this idea for an adult prom I had no idea what to expect. I did a ton of research on DIY decorations and just how to throw a sucessful prom as a fund raiser. I found these balls that looked like they would be simple to make. After a month and 56 balls later, I know think I was part crazy. I wanted people to walk into the gym and say wow. I am not sure if that is what happened. But I was pleased with the lights, center pieces, and the balls. I've decided to just keep doing the same theme. it will save me money and time. Setting up took about 11 hours to do total. My poor brother-in-law probably wants to kill me. He had to do the majority of the work along as he was the only guy and the tallest person there. Thank you Jack there is no way I could of done it without you! The day of the prom as I was setting up the "Kenzie table", reality hit me again. I took a moment to take everything in. I sat there and thought about how far we have come. How far Kenzie has come. How I have changed as a person. Sitting there all alone I cried for a minute and let out of all the emotions and exhaustion out. I loved watching everyone show up in their dresses, tuxes, crowns, and everything. Everyone looked beautiful and everyone seemed to have a great time. My goal was for everyone to dance and have a good night. At one point literally everyone was on the dance floor for the last few songs. Thank you for those that came expecially the people that traveled there. Thank you to my family that came to support not just Kenzie but me. I really do appreciate all of you even the people I did not know there. A few favorite moments from the prom. -Charlie and his sense of humor. If you have never met Charlie Gairrett or seen him dj/karoke you really are missing on a fun expierence. If you have an event that you need a dj contact me and I will put you in contact with him. -Pictures with Ashlie Tate. I can not even begin to say nice enough stuff about Ashlie. She did an amazing job with the back drop and her prices wereso affordable. People loved being able to get a prom picture done1 Thank you Ashlie for all you have done! -The "dancers". We had a group come and they won over the dance floor. I think everyone was a little intimidated at first. My sister got asked if I had hired professional dancers for the event. They were amazing dancers and really fun to watch! They were also very sweet and kind and beautiful! -Prom King and Prom Queen went to Matt LaPierre and Ryan Biggs -The dancing. It was fun. I had a super blast Thank you to everyone that came out.

Next Stop Off the Crazy Train..Is Katies Mind

I decided to write a blog so I could try to stay awake to switch laundry. I am fighting myself to stay awake. I feel like this week was such a waste and I got nothing done that I am suppose to get done. There is not enough hours in a day, and there is not enough Katie to go around anymore. I am getting to my breaking point. Which for those of you that don't know me, just really means I am overly tired. My brain can no longer function. Which in turn makes for a dramatic, senstive, emotional, and crabby Katie. In other words I am a girl in junior high. Just kidding. I can joke like that because I WAS a junior high girl at one point in my life. This week I moved out of my house into a new house while working 8 hours a day, going to gym for at least an hour and half, and trying to keep on track with the fundraiser. I feel like I accomplished nothing. And now here I sit blogging at 1030 at night so I can get laundry finished because if I have to unpack one more thing I will go crazy. On top of all that I have a baby shower to plan and trying to help with the family reunion I started. I am having a hard time remembering everything and remembering what I told people to do or not to do. I finally got my thanks your made and letter wrote for the paper. Yah, it almost took me a whole month but at least it got done. I am getting phone calls/emails made for the bar catering portion of the Shake It For Kenzie event. The food is up in the air but I think I have a back up plan now. I honestly just want to get this stuff out of the way so I can enjoy my summer a little and not stress too much. I am still looking for an emcee, who knows maybe I will have to do that. Which means I will have to at least have a drink of vodka and a shot of fire ball..Just kidding. I will find someone. I am way better with the bands now. I feel more confident in it. And thank you to my Cousin Tyler for agreeing to do the sound for the event. That is a huge relief for me!! :) I have a ton of people that want to do certain things for the event. And I apologize right now if you are reading this. It takes time because I have to get everything approved from the Zoo because I can put an ok on anything. Rules are rules..and for some reason I enjoy rules. This blog is turning into a little to-do list for me. I hope you are enjoying being inside my head. When we were doing the prom..I couldn't sleep because I was dreaming of the Shake It For Kenzie fundraiser. This fundraiser is a HUGE deal to ME! not really my family or anything. This is a challenge for me and I feel like this is going to tell people whether I can really do something or not. This is terrifying who wants to fail infront of your friends, family, and the public. Not I! This can eventually change lives. Not only am I wanting to raise money but to raise awareness of how this can be prevented. There is reasons we have seat belts, helmets, speed limitis, laws and regulations. These were not invented to make peoples lives more complicated more to save them and protect them as best as possible. Accidents happen, and sometimes things can not be prevented. But, in most cases they can. Next time you get ready to make some poor decision think about your family and friends. Think about you would feel if you lost them and would you want them to put you through that pain. If the answer is no, then do them a favor and treat them with the same respect and don't make that poor decision. Like if you want to go ride your mortorcycle, do not go without a t-shirt, closed toe shoes, a HELMET, and don't have this attitude that cars need to watch you. That my friend is both of your responsibility. Remember think smart and treat people with respect.

Shake It For Kenzie..the to-do list and how you can help!

The Adult Prom is over (yes I have a blog I am just waiting for more pictures so I can add them) and now its time to move on to the next event. Yes I gave my day to relaxe. :) The Shake It For Kenzie event is going to be a HUGE event. You do not want to miss out on this fun summer event. It's going to be super cheap for the fun enertainment you will get! $10 to get in. Things we are working on right now. We are working on getting sponsorship for the event. We are looking on getting food for the event. We would really like to help out an orgnaization that is either close to Kenzie or a non profit organization (you know spread the wealth, right). We are looking for people that like to do face painting and sorts. We are trying to brainstorm other fun activities for kids and family. We already have a fun photo booth booked with the amazing Ashlie Tate. Search her on facebook to see her work. She really in amazing and has a huge heart! Bands/solo acts if you are interested or plan on performing I need to know by mid May I will be get posters and tickets ordered so we can sell at the end of May. So if you would like you name out there I need to know then otherwise well I don't know what to tell you! I am also looking for someone to help with inbetween the acts you know keep the crowd going. I'd love a comedian or something to get people laughing. If you have any ideas, advice, questions, or anything at all please contact me. best way to get ahold of me is e-mail. From there I can give you my phone number. Please share this blog with all your friends. the more people that see this the bigger we can make this and the more we can raise awareness and money for Kids with Traumatic Injuries!! e-mail is ktzarn@gmail.com

Randomness

I haven't been blogging very much. And to be honest I haven't been seeing Kenzie much. Right now I am in the last stretch to make this Adult Prom Fund Raiser the best I can make it. On top of stressing over that I am still trying to get everything ready for the Shake it For Kenzie FUNd Raiser. I am shaking my head thinking how did I think I would be able to pull all of this off?

The Adult Prom is fun to do. The idea is simple and fun. The thing I stress about is the attendance and will it look good. I want people to walk in and be impressed. Another thing is these raffle tickets we are doing. The package is amazing hello a diamond necklace and a massage alone is worth it. If you win it its like the Prom Fantasy Package honestly. I wish I could buy one just so I could maybe win. On April 21st when the night is ending I will probably be sad that is all over but good news is this will be an annual event so I can stress about this next year. Unless it really fails and no one shows up.

The thing people keep asking about the prom is the attire. I say its a prom a reason to dress up and get fancy. The thought of getting fancy makes some people anxious. Then dress your style of fancy. Make it your own and just have some dancing shoes on. Because we are going to rock the night away kids!!!

Shake It For Kenzie...AHHHHHH!!!! This is a huge event. I don't think some people understand how big this is. I want to make it super sucessful so we can continue to do this and raise money for kids with traumatic brain injuries. The Montana Zoo is doing is a huge favor by letting us use their facility. There will be bands, drinks, food, a photo booth, and a lot more other little surprises. We are going to be celebrating how great life is while dancing in the sun. If you would like to help out in anyway please contact me on e-mail right now its the best way for me to keep things organized right now. If you haven't noticed I have a lot of projects going on at one time. e-mail is ktzarn@gmail.com

Some day I would like to start my own organization to help families that have to go through this awful experience. Support is such a big part in this. And some days it can feel like you are going through it alone. No one understands that whole in your heart. Or frustrated with the people wanting money, with the forms you have to fill out and the stupid questions on these forms. There are days you want to sit and cry and you can't help but ask why knowning that no one will ever have that perfect answer for you. Its scary.

 But I can honestly say that through this whole ordeal we have met amazing people who have been there to support us in any way possible. It has shown me that there is still good honest people out there. I thank you all for that it has meant more to us than you will ever know.

The last few weeks the high schools have been doing thier proms. I love seeing all the girls in their dresses and the boys looking uncomfortable and nervous. I love it all. The flowers, the hair, the shoes..oh the shoes. It makes sad this year when kids are experiencing all the stuff that I treasure as memories from high school. I try to imagine what Kenzie would of wore who her date would of been and all the pictures she would of taken. When its sunny and goregous out, I miss her going and taking pictures of it all.

Kenzie is now home in Lewistown. How amazing is that?!? This is a huge step for the family in the right direction. Kenzie will be more comfortable and so will everyone else including me. She can get all the love she wants now from her child (her cat). It is just amazing to me that she won't have to be in the old folks home now. But the staff really was amazing I will miss those people.

Again thank you for all the love, support, and prayers, You all make this a little easier. :)

My Kenzie Update

Some days its hard to concentrate on my daily life and that makes sleeping pointless.

I miss her a ton. I can't even begin to tell you what I miss the most. I just miss her.

Lately I been getting a lot of messages from people asking me how she is doing because they are not around a lot. So here is an update on Kenzie.

This is from what I see and my opion of how she is doing and what I have seen while being there.

As weird as this may sound to some of people I still get asked if she is awake. Yes, Kenzie is no longer in a coma. She has points where she is awake and points where she is sleeping. For the most part Kenzie doesn't have both eyes open. Her left eye seems to want to be shut whereas the right eye seems to always be open. She smiles. She also makes mad faces. She really only uses the left side of her face to do these...that is why we call it the Elvis. she stretches where she has to use her whole body to move. She will once in awhile do things when asked. She coughs and throws her whole body into it. When she is in the wheel chair this can be interesting when she does it in front of people. Because sometimes she won't put her head back. She is stubborn and doesn't always listen. They recently learned that you can hear Kenzie. This is the most beautiful thing. I never knew if we would ever get to hear Kenzie again. She is not doing sentences and not even saying real words. The best way to describe Kenzie is like an infant. She is now like a 6 month old baby where she is starting to learn things and every little new thing that she does no matter how small it is. It makes you want to cry with pride.

Thats all I know about how Kenzie is doing. Our girl is still in there and she is a fighter. Ever since she came out of the coma I knew that she was still in there and that she recongnizes people.I think she knows voices and definatly names. When she is excited about something or has some imput she moves her mouth a lot like she really is trying to talk. When I pluke her eyebrows she doesn't make her angry face or anything. She lays there very calm. And trust me she lets you know when she is mad. But what 16 year old wants a unibrow. So I yes I believe that my cousin is in there fighting to come back to us. She wants it just as much as we do. But all of us including her need to be patient. Her brain has been very traumatized and its working hard to heal itself. As hard as it is. Its better to wait then to not have her at all.

I miss her.

Don't be STUPID

I wish I could go around and give a speech to kids on the importance of protecting your brain.

It is sad when you can help prevent something as terrible as a brain injury from happening. I keep seeing all these people on their mortercycles and what not without helmets on. Are you kidding me? You rather worry about cool you may not look with a helmet on. Let me tell you that if something goes wrong you won't look to cool with a shaved head and wires coming out of your head to keep track of your brain pressure. Or when all of sudden you have to have a feeding tube. Should we talk about the poop bag?

Please be safe and smart out there people!

Weekend with Kenzie

I recently went to Great Falls to sit with Kenzie while Randy and Soni went to do grown up things.

The first night I got there i caught up with aunt Soni and Uncle Randy and they went over the "routine" and showed me where everything is. Kenzie was awake and I actually got to hear her. It is crazy to go so long without hearing anything and to hear that sweet noise. It makes all your terrible days go away just hear something you did not know if you were going to be able to hear again. After Kenzie went to bed I went off to my friends house to also get some sleep. 

The next morning I got there and she was wide awake because they thought it was a good idea to wake her up at 6 a.m. with ice. I think we should go wake these people up way early with ice and see how they like it :) . She was very talktibve (she doesn't actually talk but she looks like she is talking by moving her mouth a whole lot) we talked about her sister, Taylor and her boyfriend, I told her about my newly ex boyfriend..we both decided boys are big idiots (that is the nice word we will use). Then I could tell she was getting sleepy so she took a nap. After awhile I went to have lunch and shower. When I got back the cna's put Kenzie in her chair. Now this process is fun to watch you have to communicate with each other. I  wish I could ask Kenzie how she enjoys this little ride she goes on everyday. After we got her ready me and Kenzie went to BiNGo. We were a little late but caught up and almost won. we were off by one. It was nice to just get out of that small room. Then we decided to go check out the hospital and leave the nursing home for a bit. Which I think was good for both of us. That day Kenzie seemed to be crabby but I don't she was feeling very good. The rest of the day we took it easy and watched tv. Uncle Randy came back early so I left to visit with my friends that let me stay there everytime I stay in Great Falls.

The next day I got there a little late and I actually napped with kenzie most of my visit. It was nice to lay in bed with her. I never understood Aunt Soni's love of laying in bed with Kenzie. But to hold her hand and just snuggle with her just I dunno it was a great feeling. Very soothing and everything in the world felt right as I slept. I slept so peacefully and I can't wait to nap with her again.

The next mornining I got there and we decided to watch some movies. We watched Breaking Dawn and Say Anything. During these movies I plucked her eyebrows and painted her toe nails. When doing anything you have to time it just right with her because every two hours they come in and turn her and change her. So this took the time of both movies just with trying not to be in the way of the CNA's. Again we went for another walk around the hosptial we went to the bridge and sat in the sun for an hour. It was refreshing to get some sun on the skin. Kenzie looked very relaxed everytime sunshine was on her.

I do good most times I am in the nursing home and don't usually cry anymore. But for some reason the last day I had a hard time. I had the door shut most of the day. Being there for more then a day I got to see what life is sort of like for Kenzie. All the noises and smells she has to deal with everyday. It is heartbreaking to hear people screaming (they don't do it all the time) and the looks of confusion on peoples face. I've always kind of wondered why they wanted to move home so bad because life is going to be really hard. But after just experiencing just a weekend there I fully understand it now. To have to always sit in that little room and never fully have privacy is difficult to deal with.

I think the staff was happy when Randy and Soni came back because they really do most of the care for Kenzie.

People like to tell me that I am amazing but the real people that are the most amazing people in this whole ordeal is my aunt and uncle. I have seen amazing transformations of them as individuals, a couple, and parents. Their life has changed forever. They have had to make some of the biggest decisions that any parent should EVER have to make. I hope that no one ever has to go through this situation. and I just want them to know that I love them very much and I am soo proud of them. And everyday I am happy for the choices they have made. For the people that thought that it was unfair to keep her alive she is slowly coming back to us. Little by little. 

BROKEN HEARTS

Over the last 25 (getting closer to 26) years of my life I have experienced this so called "broken heart" feeling. Today as I was thinking about how sad I could be about certain recent events I realized that there is no reason to have this feeling. I have learned some great knowledge about me as a person. I am strong and I am not afriad to acknowledge that. Oddly enough I have learned to mourn over certain things and "move on."

With that said my heart still hurts for Kenzie and the rest of the people who have "broken heart" sydrome. As days go by and she gets a little better its eaiser to smile without feeling guilt. But there are still those days where listening to the radio is  unbearable because some country song or Lil Wayne song will come on and it will take all I have not to cry. People wearing some silly outfit with cowboy boots makes my heart sad. Somedays I just cry nothing really triggers it. 

I miss her everyday, its a different kind of heart break that I haven't felt before. Its not like a break up. Its not like someone died. Its somewhere in between. Missing someone who is alive but can't speak to you. But yet they didn't choose to stop talking to you. Its so confusing and hard to understand my feeling sometimes. Its not something you can just get over. It's just heart breaking. 

The are of being Patient

Lately my life consists of working out, working, looking for bands, and trying to get everything else figured out. I feel pretty distant from my family lately. But I think I may finally have enough bands and still have room for a few more. My pants seem to be to big for me :).

Recently I went to a fundraiser for a lady that got hit by a car. She is now at craigs in Denver.she looked really good seemed to be sitting up and talking. She skyped with the crowd. I felt a pain because I was jealous. Its a terrible feeling to feel in a situation like this. But after taking a step back I know that its a normal feeling to feel. I am so happy for her family that they get a miracle.

Its almost 7 months and our girl is becoming stronger. She is getting her speech therpy back. this makes my heart soar and my faith and hope seem stronger. All those painful months seem like a lifetime ago with the thought of her possibly ssspeaking, laughing, or just making noise.

Being patient has been tough. In our world now things happen so fast. So waiting for 7 months has been a tester on peoples emotions, feelings, and relationships. I am excited to see how much more she has progressed in 7 months.

Thank you all for the prayers and positive thoughts. Thank you  will never express how thankful I am for these.

Stressed

I am super stressed that I will fail at this fundraiser this summer. I need bands in a BIG WAY! I have got a venue. and I got it at a discounted rate. Zoo Montana is the venue that I choose to go with I am super excited about that. Now just making everything else come together gives me an anxiety attack. I have a problem with procrastination and asking people for things..expecially people I don't know.

These are thing that I need to get very FAST! 

I don't get out much so I don't know a whole lot about what bands there are in Montana.

Also I am going to be needing help with a few things with this fundraiser. I want to sell bracelets and possibly t-shirts at this event I will need people to do this for me and to take control because I will not have time to do that. I will be busy making sure everything else goes good.

I will also need someone to help me get together donations from businesses to raffle off or like door prizes.

I will need to have people that will help clean up the event afterwards.

On my list of things to do RIGHT NOW is find a place to get posters and tickets donated. 

If anyone would like to help, donate, has ideas or what have you.. PLEASE CONTACT ME

e-mail me at ktzarn@gmail.com (it goes straight to phone so its like texting)

Days Go By

You know when you are in high school and you sit there and think about all the things you want to accomplish. I am no where near where I thought I would be.

I remember my senior year sitting with my friends Heidi and Chelsea in our Accounting Class and we sat and talked about where we thought we would be at the age of 25.

I figured I'd be done with school and on my way to either owning my own business or managing some business. I would be getting ready to get engaged to the man of my dreams (Who of course I would meet while in college). We would be engaged for a year and then married for another year then we would discuss children. I would talk my sweet man into adopting children. I would continue to work and be a business woman in charge. I would be living by the beach.

I am now 25 not married and not even close to getting married. I still want to adopt but I also want to be pregnant with a child also (not today but later in life). I would still like to own my own business. But I would also like to have the option some day to raise a family. And owning a business can make that difficult. These are things I think about now. It is crazy how life can change the things you want. My goal to be such a business woman has faded and I have since realized that being a stay at home mom is not the worst job to ever have. I think about the things I got to enjoy in my childhood because my mom was a stay at home mom. My mom got to come to every basketball, volleyball and football game I was ever involved in. She got to come help out in the classroom and come on class trips. Me and my friends could get a ride home from lunch. I could go on and on about the amazing things my mom has done. Now that I look back I was sure lucky.

I also do not live by a beach. I always thought I would live in California. If I would of moved to California there is no way that I could be there for my family like I have been. I will never regret not moving to Cali. If I lived out of states I think I would be feeling awful. I would never get to do the things that I have for my family.

I am working on going back to school and studying business. I thought about teaching but my first love has always been business. I think I am good at it. I live with a roommate and currently have a great boyfriend who makes me smile and laugh and has helped me start to put back together the Katie I remember before July happened.

If you would of asked me when I was 18 if I saw myself still not a college graduate, not married, and living in Billings Montana. I would of laughed in your face.

2012

We are into a new year...

As get to a new year people make out resoultions. The last fews it has been to just work on myself as a person. So I been working on myself last year. And I will continue to do as the years go by. This year I have a few things that I been struggling with and I will work on them this year..

Forgiveness, Procrastination, Stress, and Katie Time.

Forgiveness- I been struggling with this for awhile now. I can't seem to let things go. And I know that it doesn't affect the people I am not forgiving more then it does me. I know that I carry it on my shouldars.

Procrastination- The fund raiser stuff really suffers because of this. And this in turn leads too....

STRESS- I need to get back to the gym and start doing other stress reliever things again. Life is so more manageable without stress. Stress leads to anxiety. and anxiety leads to sleepless nights. Sleepless nights leads to emotional break downs. Which leads me to be a CRAZY LADY. AHHHHH!!!

Katie Time- I need to make more time for myself and stop worrying about people judging me for things. Sometimes its ok to turn my phone off and not be there for EVERYONE! Quiet alone time can be nice...I'll have to try it one of these days.

I am not a terrible person. I am not a perfect person. I have room to grow to be a better person. Every day is a struggle and sometimes I fight with myself and God. Its a learning process but I am starting to manage life a little better. One day at a time. One breath at a time more like it for.