When we were doing a fundraiser in Cut Bank I would stop on my way there and on my way home. One of the times I was coming back home I of course stopped and saw Kenzie. When I got there it was just Aunt Sandra in the room (Kenzies mom's sister). We sat there and talked and she told me about what she was going. Then Ericka came in the room (the girl who was driving the car in the accident) with her mom. We all sat and chatted and then Patty the ICU nurse came in the room. People were asking her questions about the CT scan that Kenzie got. This would be the first time we would have better knowledge of what we should expect out of Kenzie. Since she's not a doctor and the news hadn't been told to Randy and Soni she couldn't give us the results. So she was explaining what the good news could be and what the bad news could be. And when she was telling this she had her back to Sanda, Erica and her mom. I was sitting on the side and could see Patty's face. As she was explaining how if the results came back that we could never see any improvement in Kenz and if we did it would and could be just minimal. That what we saw now could be as good as it could get for a long time. She was explaining that she could be put into a nursing home or taken home. Now when she said taken home Ericka got excited not knowing that going home would not mean Kenz would be better but that she would still be stuck in a hospital bed. This whole time I started to have trouble breathing, the room seemed really small, the room started spinning. I wanted to either run out of that room screaming or jump in Kenzies bed with her and hold her and beg and plead for her to wake her eyes. Instead I couldn't move and just sat there with tears coming down my face. Because even though Patty never said that we would be getting bad news. In my heart I felt it. I knew it.
I called a few people and told them and everyone kept telling me that I can't give up hope. I would like to start by saying that I have never given up hope. I have to have some kind of reality too because never thinking that this could happen made dealing with this process harder. But when people tell me not to give up hope where it sounds like they think I am giving up all of sudden or they put that on any of the familys pages or what not it makes me want to shake these people. Shake them and say are you serious?! Who is sitting with Kenzie, who is holding her hand, who has to sit there and watch her get poked and taken for surgeries, who has to see her hair get cut (she had such long beautiful hair), whose heart breaks everytime they leave her? Its ok to have a bad day once in awhile and not know how to deal with situation. Everyday its something new. Everyday is a struggle. To question someones hope and faith when it comes to this just baffles me. I know that every person that says this does not really question it. But I am bitter and this is how I feel sometimes.
That ride home was the worst I cried literally from Great Falls to Lewistown. I had to meet up with a lady so I tried to contain myself and it worked. I cried a little on the way from Lewistown to Roundup. Then Roundup to Billings I cried the whole time then too. The next day I looked like hell big puffy eyes. Thats what going to bed crying and waking up crying does to you. I went through the day with the motions. Then at the end of up my shift I saw on caring bridge that the news was bad it wasn't good. I had another anxiety attack was shaking and crying. I couldn't stop myself not matter how much I tried. Poor people had to see me fall apart right in front of them. I am not someone that gets emotional at work at all and I like to think these people see me as a stong person. So for me to have that melt down was embaressing and I aplogized to them for it. I am sure it just make them feel akward more then anything.
I went home and cried and fell asleep. I was exhausted I have never been so dead feeling my whole life. My world seemed to fall apart in those two days.
Days when I struggle the most are the days that I wake up crying and not really knowing why I am crying. When I see people that tend to say fuck life and just take forgranted life. When I see young kids going to school, football and volleyball games and things like that. I won't go to the mall yet because I can't see a homecoming dress. I think I might have a break down. I have to know my weak spots to keep myself from having more bad days. Hearing Kayla be broken is heart breaking but I am glad that she can talk to me and express those feelings to me. I love her very much.
I hate when people just ask how Kenzie is just to be poliete. So to be poliete to them I say she is doing fine. That is always my response. If I like or love you I will explain what is new with her. And I'll usually be honest and tell you that I don't even know a real answer for that. Because she does move and there she looks amazing. But to me my thought process is that she is 16 and she can't tell people where it hurts. So when you ask how Kenzie is and I just fine its because I probably don't know the right answer for this question. Its a question that I can't seem to answer right. So fine or ok seems to be the answer that people are ok with.
I want to say one more time that I have so much hope, faith and love for Kenzie. I pray every day for her. Theres not a second that goes by where I am not thinking about her. I know she has made many improvements and has come a long ways. She has been doing more then the doctors thought she would do. I am human and some of these feelings are just my way of trying to deal with a situation that is unbearable some days. I thank everyone that has ever thought or prayed for her. These have helped her come a long way, I really do believe that.
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