So I have started a few "facebook notes" I will add those to this page just to get some more on here. I don't expect to write a lot on here just when days seem to be too much.
Last night was the marker of the 2 months. All day I kept going back to that night in July..and I kept thinking wow two months has gone by sooo fast because it feels like forever ago. How do you go from reading your cousins comments back and forth to each other every day to crying just to see her "like" your status? How do you go from to care if the world other then traveling and enjoying life too wanting to spend as much time as you can in a hospital room with your cousin? How and why are questions that I know will never and can never be answered. But hell why can they not. Life is not fair apparently, I always understood that concept until now.
Lately it seems like I have a little more time on my hands..I hate these days. As much as I hate days where I work over 8 hours, days that are super busy where I don't even have time to eat seem like the easiest days on my heart.
Days that are not easy on my heart-doing something fun, seeing other people have soo much fun, seeing kayla have terrible days, seeing young girls post dumb stuff on facebook, people post lyrics, and people not understand my sadness.
My family can seem to make my days feel a little better and somedays they make them not feel so good. Sometimes I don't understand how peoples lives can go on..I don't get it at all. I know I shouldn't be mad or jealous at them but somedays I just do. Then of course that makes me feel like a terrible person. I hate this feeling..I just hate it. In the end I am not mad at them at all.
My mom said unfortantly the world goes on..my reply "somedays I can't go on with the world"
There are days I can go on with my day with laughing and smiling then their are days were I literally roll our of bed and look at myself in the mirror and start crying and tell myself "really, you can do this..just do it" Those days at work always suck its like everyone can see it on me that I am having a terrible day. and what is the first question they ask me "how is Kenzie doing?" It drives me nuts I have given everyone I know all of the info of where to find this. Because somedays I can't talk about it..because like I said in a previous note sometimes my answer wants to be something that is not poliet and would be said out of anger and sadness..these are some of the things I have to stop myself from saying.
1. I don't know how she is doing because when I ask you doesn't say anything.
2. she's 16 and someone has to clean her and she eat through a tube..so I'd say awesome?
3. she'll live in a nursing home before her grandparnets...so you tell me
these are things I will never ever say to anyone and I don't really mean to want to say them...these are the things that go through my head when I am having a roll out of bed day..these are not all the time just once in awhile mostly when I miss my Kenzie.
People have been so kind when they don't have to be. Honsetly this has given me a new light on strangers..just love and kindness..how can they be so kind. I don't know if I could be as kind as them. I thank them for thinking, praying, donating, and everything else people have done. Honestly these people help me have less rolling out of bed days. I will never be able to thank them enough.
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