One thing that drives me absoutly nuts, is when people ask if she has waken up. Mostly people that ask this once a week. My answer is always yes..they get excited and then I explain there is no response in her eyes which means she really isn't look at anything her eyelids are open but thats about as far as it gets. Don't get me wrong by any means I love her eyes being open I love seeing them..now if she could just smile. or talk.
Today is one of those my heart really hurts kind of days. I am not really sure why. Maybe because I had to explain this to girl. And seeing her looking like Kenzie was all of sudden healed broke my heart. Because shes not smart enough to understand me and I will have to have this conversation with her again next week.
Today is a "I want to stay in my bed and just lay there" kind of day. Or I want to drive to Great Falls and hold her hand...
Kenzie is in a nursing home now...and I am having a hard time dealing with this reality now. People seem to be happy she is there. Not me. I feel like her being moved from a hospital to a nursing home is like just taking her to a place to take up space. This could not be the case but she is 16 and shes in a nursing home. Her grandparents are not suppose to visit her there. I can only imagine how heart broken my grandma and grandpa are...which makes my heart break more. She's suppose to visit me in the nursing home or retirement home when I am really REALLY old you know to check to see if its a place she can see herself in. I am not suppose to be here crying because my 16 year old cousin is in a nursing home. I am suppose to be waiting to see pictures of her in her homecoming dress. I am suppose to give her advice if she ever needs some. This is not suppose to be happening. I can't make it stop but I wish I could. I wish I could go back..
People say God wouldn't have done this if he didn't know you were that strong..or God has a path for you, you just have to follow. Or theres some life lesson here, or this makes you stronger and a better person. 1. Really what is the family suppose to do, just leave her and pretend it didn't happen? so I don't get that statement..its almost like asking someone how they are..? you probably don't want the real answer but its the poliete question to ask. 2. This path he has chosen for me...can I chose his path for him or someone else? I'd like to be independent and choose my own path thank you very much. 3. Life lesson's are bullshit. I don't care to learn anything new. 4. Make me a better person. I don't know about the rest of the family but I know this, I was ok with not being a good person. I am ok going back to the person I was. I rather have Kenzie then be some "awesome" person or whatever. I rather have her then learn all these new life lessons, paths, or whatever it is that this is suppose to teach me. I don't care at all.
I am bitter. I am very bitter towards God or whatever it is I am bitter towards. Mostly on days like today where the pain seems unbearable. Kenzie didn't take life forgranted she wasn't sitting at home being depressed. She was enjoying life. Thats what baffles me. Take someone that doesn't give a shit about their life....thats how I feel about that.
Death..its a concept I can't wrap my head around. What Kenzie is going through is worse. Because to me she can't tell us if something is hurting..hell she can't tell us anything. When someone dies at least they are not suffering. I just wish she could talk or communicate. Because if she knows whats going on (in my heart I believe she does) then I can only imagine how frustrating, irritating, and scary this must be for her.
I love and miss you Kenzie more and more everyday
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