forgiveness

I go to church once in awhile. Sometimes I go more then others. Theres been a few times where for some reason I want to go to church. Well last Saturday after a day at work I had this urge to go to church. I don't know if it was all the dumb drama at work or what. I just sat there all day listening to people talk about everyone and I don't think these 30+ year olds realize that what they say and do can really have an impact on peoples lives. Either way I decided I wanted to go and called my friend Scarlett to go with me. I got to the church before Scar did and I sat in my car to wait for her and Baby Coby to get there. While I am sitting there a Jason Alden song came on. I am not sure if it was the song, the church, or the exhaustion that made me cry. But I cried. I sat there and cried. Kayla says that someone really wanted me to go to church that night.

I've been to this church a number of times and usually enjoy them. That night they were talking about forgiveness. I sat there and realized that there were a lot of people in my life that I was angry with and have yet to forgive them. I am still struggling with them. God being one of them. I feel like an awful person who can be angry at God and have a hard time forgiving him. I have a lot to be thankful in my life. I have a lot of good things going on. Why I let this negativity have such a hold on my life sometimes I do not know.

Working on being a better person is hard. Going through all these emotions is tough and has been a struggle. I do not wish anyone to go through this situation ever.

Bad Ass Chick? I'd Say So!

Well it seems that Kenzie likes to make me look like a fool. One day I was talking about how she needs to open her eyes and wake up. and then I believe that week she did. Now I am writing about her not moving her limbs well here take a look for yourself. Hours after I posted my last blog this is what I saw on facebook.

Days like that makes me know Kenzie is still in there. She gives really mean faces, which sometimes hurt as bad as her punches I am sure. She gives a silly smile.

 She is always mad at me it seems. She sleeps so much everytime I go there. So this last time I tried to make it up to her and give her a manuicure and get her ready for the big football game this weekend. Of course she was a stubborn brat the whole time making fists and stretching and ruining it. Funny thing is when I was writing on her finger "CATS" and "FTG" she said completely still and didn't move anything. Shes a stinker!

Her hair is getting super long and soon she will look like a real girl again sorry Uncle Randy. They looked like twins here take a look at the twins in action.

She got a van. Thanks too Mike and Nancy Moline! Those two rock at life plain and simple. Now she gets to go on adventures. Me and Kayla want to take her to see breaking dawn.

Since the fundraisers have seemed to stop I feel compeletly helpless. I like to stay busy. So to give me something to do I am starting some projects. If you would like to help or know of anyone that would like to help. Here are my ideas that are still in the brainstorming stage.

I'd like to do a dance for Lewistown high school or junior high. I plan to try to do this off of the school so I don't have to get any sort of permission. I can easily find a dj for this. I know some amazing people. I just need to find a date and location. Also suggestions rather high school or junior high.

I also would like to put on a masquarde ball. I am not sure where yet. But some place. I would need to find a good band, for super cheap who would love to donate their time. If you have any suggestions on this I would love it. I would love to make this an annual thing.

This summer time I would like to find an outdoor venue and get some bands and people that just love music thing. I want to call this event "shaking it for Kenzie" I would like to make this an annual event also. Someday we will be able to put the money raised at this event to kids with brain injuries. These are just thoughts that are going through my head if you would like to help, give me ideas, or know some people please let me know I can use all the help I can get.

email me at ktzarn@gmail.com

123

123- it's the first numbers we usually learn. Its the first numbers we can count too.1+2=3. In baseball its 1, 2,3 stricks your out in ol' ball game. 123 days since Kenzie has gotten in the accident.

4 months=123 days.That's  2952 hours or 177120 minutes or better yet 10,627,200 seconds. It has been that long since anyone has heard her voice. Its been that long since she has been able to walk, tie her own shoes, wipe her ass, get dressed, text, argue with her dad, call her sister, go tend the horses with her mom, giggles with friends, or tell anyone she loved them. Today, I don't ask you to feel sorry for anyone. Imagine if this was someone you loved and they no longer could "live" but their body was there how would "you" survive how would you get the energy day after day to let them know you loved them. Then imagine you are the person that can not talk or barley move all your limbs. I'll let you know something, my mind is scary place. I would not want to be trapped in it. I cry because I miss her. I also cry because she can't tell anyone how scared she is. It's a guessing game. No one knows if she feels any pain, if she can see, if she remembers. In my heart I believe things..that's what gets me through the day.

Day One I was numb and thought oh God what if she dies.

Day Three I see Kenzie and believe that she will survive and will come out and it will be along journey to recovery

Day 16 I go to see Kenzie with cousin John and I believe she will open her eyes any day. me and Aunt Soni talk about how she will scream when she wakes up

Day 26 I learn that Kenzies brain damage is extensive we may never see a change

The days after that seem like a train wreck in my life. I didn't know how to function without crying every other day.

When she was in Seattle I felt lost and helpless.

When she was back in pedi's I felt energized again.

When I learned she was staying in Great Falls and in a nursing home...I've yet to get over the feeling I am feeling. I do not care if you worked in a nursing home and know the care. I'll tell you this she deserves better if that makes me sound bitchy so be it. I hate her there. I miss the people at the hospital. I miss the little kids playing in the hall. I feel stuck like where is there to go from here. Its a freaking nursing home. It's not where my cousin belongs.

123 days and I still feel hope.2952 hours have gone by and I still cry. 177120 minutes and I still pray and ask myself how does she do it. 10,627,200 seconds and I love her more as each second passes.

Stages Of Grief

Kayla sent me a website that had an article on the stages of grief and she asked where I am at. I keep thinking about this all the time. I have started to hit reality and have guilty feelings all the time of not being able to be there. My heart hurts every time I see old pictures and it breaks looking at old pictures. I feel like some days I feel like other members of my family aren't feeling these same feelings. I don't get it. My heart hurts but I can't post it all over facebook and what not because how depressing is it to see that Katie is sad again. I am not known for be sad and depressed. I don't like it. I do my best to stay busy at all times. This would be the cause for me going out a lot. Interacting with people is my medicine.

Tonight I feel like hell and I been working 12 hour days. People are not my medicine. Downtime is enemy and I frightened of it. Terrified..I let my mind wander and sometimes it goes to the dark side. Once I start going I can't stop. I know when its happening but sometimes I think I enjoy the pain it reminds me that I am still a human and that I am not numb. I told Kayla I'd be more scared if she wasn't having hard days. These hard days reminds me that we are human and that are "feelers" still work. I still have the ability to cry, laugh, and be angry.

To be honest until now life was somewhat easy. There were stressful things in my life. I had lost close people in my life. I have have fallen in love and thought I had the person I was going to marry only to be wrong. But this is a feeling I have yet to feel. Heart broken? Stressed? I mourn the life of someone EVERYDAY that is actually alive. Its the most awful and confusing feeling. I don't even know if I explained that in the right way.

DEATH

This time of year is always hard for me. Right now I been thinking a lot about my buddy Mike. He commited suicide a few years back. Whenever times are really tough and I need a friend to sit on the couch and chat about sucky things or if I can't sleep at night I could run to him. His death was a huge shocker I think I laughed a little when I found out. I was at my sister-in-laws work with my mom. Mom was getting her hair done. I got a text from Jackson (boyfriend) at the time. I thought what a terrible joke. He kept saying it was true. OH MY GOD is all could say over and over again. That feeling haunts me. The first time I was back in Cut Bank after the funeral I needed him more then over. I had just got some awful new from then boyfriend my heart was broke and the one person that I wanted to run to was dead...gone. Up until now I thought that was the worse way to lose someone.

Me and Kayla had a conversation and death came up. If Kenzie doesn't get her miracle. The cause of death will probably be some complication with something like an infection. This is my reality not everyday I can't think of butterflies or what have you. I have to prepare myself for what can come. Because as I said before its more heart breaking to be lost in a fantasy world when the worst does come. I imagine this feeling when it happens to be such a mixed of emotions. From some what of a sigh of relief to know that she is not in pain or anything anymore. Then there is the guilt of feeling this. I am on rollercoaster of emotions now I am not ready for that ride. I am hoping that none of you reading this think that I am hoping for this or wish for this to happen. I am on the fence about everything. I still have hope. Somedays I struggle with it. But I never wish death upon anyone. I wish for a healthy brain from her. That would be the idea want and wish from me.

I am starting to try to better myself. Going back to school and getting back to the gym. This gym thing is tough because its so much down time to think. One day I came from the gym crying I got on facebook and there was a picture of Kenz (before accident) and I had a panic attack. When in her nursing room I feel overwhelmed by all of her then pictures. Its heart breaking. Its like a slap in the face. Its like I don't know why I am still breathing. As I said before its a roller coaster of emotions.

Everyday is a struggle and everyday its doesn't involve Kenzie. But everyday I have a struggle with life. I am ready for a life vacation. I use to joke that I wish I could be put into a coma and then woken up when ready. Oh how childish of me to think those.

As I said this part of the year until after new years is a hard time for me. Its the anniversary of a lot of deaths and it brings a lot of emotions I apologize now for the dark places I may go. But life is sucky sometimes and sometimes I want to talk about it. Bottling things up is unsafe for me.

I wish everyone a Happy and Safe Halloween!!!

maybe I'll post a pic of my undark costume afterwards!!

Since I posted this after Halloween here is a pic