2011-part 1

It's almost 2012.

I can honestly say that I am so ready for 2011 to be over.

In the begining of 2011 I had to set out a goal to better myself. To get healthy and to grow up.

I had started going to the gym and started going less. I was starting to feel really good about myself. My friend Ashley and I were going to reward ourselves with a trip to Calgary for the Stampede and a Kenny Chesney concert.

I was in a good place for most things in my life.

July 11th. My world crumbled.

I turned 25 on the 12th of July.

Visited Kenzie in the ICU. Then Ashley and I went on to Calgary. This trip was not as fun as I had planned. The whole trip I kept waiting for a message saying that Kenzie didn't make it. I felt so lost. How could so much change with one phone call? How would life change for the family?

I some how lost my drivers license on this trip.

As soon as I got back to the States started working on the first fund raiser. It was stressful and chaotic. But honestly we had such an amazing turn out. The Cut Bank community is one of a kind and I am glad I have gotten to know so many amazing people from there.

The next fund raiser I really had nothing to do. Just trying to help in any way I can.

At this time I was going to Great Falls every week.

If I got sleep I was lucky. I was super emotional. Super lost.

Found out my friends dad had cancer. Blog about John

I think I had so much stress that I ended up messing up back some how after the fund raiser in Lewistown. I missed work and was misserable I slept for like 3 days straight.

After the fund raiser I realised I didn't have my passport anymore. Still missing.

As I was getting ready to go visit Kenzie and go to my cousins baby shower. I got in a car wreck leaving DMV and on my way out of town. My head lights were out it was 5 pm. Had to post pone my trip until I got my moms tire fixed.

I left town the next day and decided to make a detour and see a friend and have a drink because I felt like being some place where no one knew me. I needed a break from myself. Here I met a pretty neat guy. He has been the best thing that has come out of my misfortune for this year. I am pretty lucky for that.

Got accepted back to College

Was suppose to go visit Kayla and Starr again but life happens and I wasn't able. :(

Won Best Costume on Halloween.

Had a Thanksgiving with no turkey.

Boyfriend left Montana.

Was suppose to meet new baby cousin. Life happened and I wasn't able to do that.

Had an interview with the Gazette about Kenzie (Keep an eye out for this, trust me I will be posting a link or letting you fine people know when it happens)

Car took forever to get fixed.

Had to take car back in.

Work didn't pay me for commission

There was a glitch with my card out of the thousands of people in the system I was one of 12 that this happened too.

Got to finally meet new baby cousin and got to spend time with Kayla, Kenzie, Randy and Soni.

News Article came out

Boyfriend came back to visit! :)

Thing I learned in 2011

-you really can change your life if you really want to
-bad things can happen to good people
-I can not be there for everyone
-Life can be hard
-Stress in my worst enemy
-Growing up is ok I will survive being a disgusting grown up as kayla would say
-someone can make me a smile even if they are a day away
-hearts can hurt so bad but somehow you still can breath
-I can ignore dumb people but when the dumb people hurt my family in some way I have a harder time letting it go

Thankful for

family
friends
patience
love
brain activity
breathing
forgiveness
vodka

Later on I will post favorite pictures from 2011

thank you all for reading my blogs that I have written.

Thank you for keeping my cousin Kenzie in your prayers and my friends Dad (John LaPierre) as well. You all have made it more possible to breath on the unbearable and rolling out of bed days. Thank you again and I hope you all have a safe and fun new years. Remember don't get behind a wheel if you have been drinking. Not worth it and BUCKLE UP!!

Billings Gazette

If you haven't seen this here you go. Billings Gazette Article

I did an article a while back with the Billings Gazette to talk about the fundraisers I have coming up.

I'd like to apologize to the ladies in Lewistown I did mention that I really had nothing to do with that fundraiser. You all put on such a sucessful event and honestly I am very greatful that my family knows you and has you all as friends. Thank you so much!

Second, when I was interviewed Kenzie had moved a little and I told the lady that I wasn't there everyday to actually know 100% of what she has been doing. This is why we didn't go into much detail.

Chelsea did a great job and I am super thankful that she took time out of very hectic schedule to fit me in.

Now to the comments.

I am having a hard time being nice about some of them. I have choose not to write anything on the discussion on the paper because everyone is allowed their own opinion and I don't feel like coming off as rude.

But since this is my blog..MR. Reality Check I have read you comments all over the gazette. Honestly, I think you should change your name to Mr. I Know Everything. Honestly, no one likes that guy that thinks he knows everything. You always have to have the answer and everyone always has to be wrong. Thank you for reading the article that means a lot to us that you took the time out of your day to read it. But I honestly know Kenzie is in there. The first night that I went the nursing home and I was on the floor talking to the CNA's Kenzie moved her head towards me when she heard my voice. They said she hadn't moved that much for them ever on her own. Go back to another blog of mine and see the video of her moving her arm ON COMMAND! Give up hope on a 16 year old? She has her age on her side. It may take awhile but we are willing to fight it out with her.

BillMillerJr. You do not have to donate. We will take prayers. And donating to hospitals is nice also.

Whatevver. I am glad that you had this talk with you family as a teenager. Kenzie had just turned 16. She was very open with her parents. And never in there was there anything that maybe this was Kenzie's choice. So I am glad you have your opinion.

Again Thank you all for reading the article. Thank you for the donations, the prayers, the kinds words and everything. We could not have gone almost 6 months from all the love we have gotten from complete strangers.

Merry Fricken Christmas

I just wanted to wish all of you out there a Merry Christmas. I hope you all did not stress out to much and are enjoying your loved ones!

I have already posted a blog about the people I love. Its Christmas and I don't want to post anything to make anyone depressed.

I enjoyed my days off with the people that I love the most. I got to see my new baby cousin. along with his mom, dad, and big brother. and I also got to see my grandparents and some friends that I love.

Then it was off to see Uncle Randy, Aunt Soni, Kayla and the bum Kenzie. I have video of some dancing going on but I have strict instructions not to post. so to assure that I don't get beat I will have not post at this time. Now I have good blackmail. :) There was lots of laughs and that I am thankful.

Now I am home with my parents. I will get to see my sister and her lovely family.

So I hope you all have a great day whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

Hug and tell people you love, care about them and appreciate them. Remember it only takes a split second to lose the people you love and care about the most.

Fundraisers

Fubdraisers.

Roundup Adult Prom

April 21st 2012. Located Roundups Community Center. Starting at 9 pm. music is being donated by Charlie Gairrett. Ashlie Tait will be there taking photos. It is B.Y.O.B.
Tickets:single- $10 couples- $15

This is a 21 and older event. Formal wear.

Shake It For Kenzie

I am shooting for July 14th.

All Ages. Location is still undetermined. A number of bands and solo artists.

A day to enjoy Montana sunshine. Listen to some Montana talent. Enjoy and celebrate life.

Part of the profits will be going to help children with brain injuries.

These will be an annual events.

Anyone that has any that questions or ideas please contact me. The venue i am looking for will need to let use charge to let people in. e-mail ktzarn@gmail.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny

Nervous breakdowns at work are the worst. Not knowing why you are having one makes them harder.

I hate this time of year. I hate the cold. I hate missing people. I hate feeling sorry for myself.

As terrible as it sounds....I want my life back.

I sound selfish.

I want the accident to never have happened.

I don't want to feel sad or lost. I want Kenzie to see new pics of Kenzie and her friends be silly. I want to see her silly facebook drama. I want her to text me back. I want to know whats going thru her brain.

Being selfish is not a terrible thing.

I feel like a zombie.

I enjoy people watching. My job is great for this. Seeing couples reunite, soliders come home, familes seeing each other for the first time in years. I love it all. Lately as I watch these people I feel like they can see inside me and you can almost see some kind of sadness in their eyes. I feel like a different person lately. I can't even pin point to you whats going on.

My chest fills heavy. My heart feels like its beating at an uncomfortable slow rate.

Everyone has terrible things in their life. I understand that. Thats why feeling like this feels.....seems crazy. pointless. idiotic?

"f
I know that I will find myself and I wont feel lost.

Seeing your family and the people you LOVE the most hurt and not have a way to fix that is what breaks my heart. I wish I had the soultion to make it go away.

I am slowly learning I can't do everything. I can't make everyone happy. Blogging is like my therpay. I only post because I know I am not the only person out there that feels this way.


"Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have" -Dave Carniege

Happy Holidays

Its been 5 months I can sit here and write something depressing but its the holidays.

Christmas is a stressful time of year for most families to try to please their families. Someday on these holidays the people you are trying to please are probably are only going to wish you were with them for the holidays. They would give back all the presents just to have you back.

This year take a break from all the spending and take some time to actually hang out with  your family get to know them again. It seems that time goes by way to fast and we lose people to soon.

I have so many blessings. I have so many amazing people in my life.

First my parents. I don't think God could of gave me better parents. They love me even when I make stupid choices. They love me for me and never try to make me someone else they never have. They have supported me through everything and have loved me and my brother and sister as much as possible. They have shown me what LOVE actually is and someday I hope to meet a man that will be able to show our kids this love also.

My brother and sister are both older then me and growing up have been apart of my life every step. If I need help, advice, a shot of vodka or just a hug I know I can call them. Heather and Shane have both choice amazing spouses that I also have friendships with. Jack and Jeni are really like a new brother and sister. (Jeni's family has been amazing and has welcomed me into their family as well) Along with Jeni and Jack they blessed me with Colter, Jordan and Brodey. My neice and nephews really do bring joy to my life with just a smile. (this also goes for my other neice and nephews-Maggee, Jack, Lorynn, Taylor, and Baby Coby)

My Grandma Teresa who comes once a year to see us in Montana. She is a little ball of fire. I enjoy giving her a hard time. Shes a tiny little Mexican woman and I dare you to try not to love her. My grandma is probably the only person on my moms side that I actually know anything about. And I am very thankful to have her in my life I can't imagine not having my grandma Teresa.

Grandma and Grandpa Zarn. I love going to visit them I always want to fall asleep on their couch I feel the  safest when I am in that at house. Its like the world doesn't matter once you are there. My grandpa is my hero and like my favorite person. I don't know what its about it him but I can't help but love him. He's a cute old man and watching him get older has been heart breaking and lovely. Him and grandma have seen so much in their life and they are still married have 5 children and numerous grandchildren. My grandma seems to never get older. I don't know how she does it.

When I was  younger the Zarn clan go together a lot more then we do now. But as the children are getting older and moving out we seem to see less and less of each other. But I will always cherish my childhood memories with all my uncles, aunts and cousins.

After the accident I have gotten to know my cousins a little more then I have. I have always been close to my cousin John, Cat, and Tanya. And I did randomly talk to Kayla but after the accident mine and Kaylas relationship has grown. I know that I can tell her anything. Her and Starr have really found a special place in my heart this year. My cousin Eric and his wife Connie have been amazing and I have finally gotten to know Connie more. It is really nice to get know your family more. I look forward to continue the relationships that I have with my family.

My friends this year have been so amazing. I had friends that drove to Lewistown to help support me. Thank you Bo, Scott, Joe, Ashley and Ced. (Don't worry I won't say your nickname on here). It really did mean a lot to me. The LaPierre girls buying bracelets and just being great friends! Heidi I loved the card you really are an amazing friend. Ashley for coming to be my co-pilot in all my silly adventures.

To all the strangers who have become family to us Zarns, there really are no words to describe how amazing you are to make us feel loved during this hard time. Thank you for everything.

Bl

It Takes Both Rain And Sunshine To Make A Rainbow

Today is a rough day. Got little to no sleep. These days happen about every other week. I am prepared for the emotional coaster ride I will be taking. I'll get easily irritated, can cry if you look at me the wrong way, very sensitive, and exhausted with life. Awesome, right? Thank God all of you love me or at least can tolerate this side of me.

Today I will be going to a memorial service for a guy named Walter (Chip) Ross. I knew Chip because he worked for the school in Roundup. I have a scar on my knee and every time I notice it, I think of him. When I was a small child I had hurt myself on the playground (thanks Roundup Central School for the black asphalt). I believe I was wearing a dress and tights (some things never change). Chip carried me to the office. This is the only thing I remember. I don't remember what happened afterwards  all I know is Chip was super nice. I remember I wanted my mom and he did his best to make me feel safe and less afraid. I remember in Kindergarten he would let me play on the playground even if it wasn't my day to be at school (my sister lived a house away from school). Chip was always nice. In junior high and high school Chip was always unlocking the school for me when I would leave homework there or needed to use a computer. The Roundup community has lost a great soul this week. R.I.P. Chip you will be great missed by many!

As we celebrate ones life, I am excited that a new life will be born. My cousin Tanya is in the hospital right  now getting ready to have baby boy! Super excited can't wait to meet my new cousin!!!

Life has a crazy way of teaching us things. Do me a favor this month forget about going crazy with gifts. Take time to enjoy the people you love and care about. Tell them in words how much you love them and how happy you they are in your life. You can never tell someone you love them enough. On that note I appreciate all of you. You reading this blog and Kaylas, that means that for a few moments you're thinking of Kenzie. With each Prayer and thought for her brain it helps her healing process. She is destined for amazing things because the help of  you amazing people. Your kind words lift me up, make me cry and fill my broken heart. I am forever grateful!

" Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart do not know how to laugh either."

Being happy somedays is painful. Somedays laughs are painful. Putting a smile on the face is like trying to lift a 200 lb. object. Getting out of bed and going to work somedays seems impossible. Sometimes crying is the best medicine.

Today was a day were I went through the motions. I don't even know what set me off today. But I feel numb and my chest feels full. I have yet to cry. Outraged, sad, upset, disappointed, guilty, STRESS, loved, mad, jealous..these are the start to my feeling today. I am all over the place. I think I have always stressed but never realized that I actually stress. I have always been good at keeping busy and my mind off of things. But as I got out of high school and I was involved less the stress feels ten times worse. I think I actually break out in little rashes because of this rash. I am a happy person. I know I am. I am not overly depressed by any means. I have not had thoughts of suicide since the accident. I don't cut myself. (I hate blood...gross)

I am working really hard to stop asking questions. The one question I keep asking is; Why her? It doesn't make sense. I wish my answer could be answered. I wish we could have her back.

The worst thing about these fund raisers is making flyers and what not for them. I go through all her facebook to find the perfect pictures. Pictures that see it and say I wonder why this young beautiful girl is on this poster. Going back to the pictures is the worst. It kills my heart, its like the person you love telling them they don't love you anymore. Its a pain that no one will ever understand unless it has happened to them. Looking at her smile..it kills me. It hurts so much. Seeing her brown eyes sparkle with that little look she has..I want to see that look again. Her long brown hair curled and her taking a pic of herself in the mirror. I want her back.

Now she has short hair which is fun to rub. She makes the funniest faces. Her smile and her angry face are priceless. She's like a baby where whenever you learn something new about her you fall in love with her more. Which is a weird feeling for me. She is 16 years old, she is not 16 months. I am glad that she is learning more things and improving. DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I am selfish I want her to be getting ready for Christmas break. To start worrying about what she will wear for Prom. Who will be her date. And finishing the awful junior year of high school. I want to love her for being 16 making stupid choices and learning to be an adult and having the time of her life.

I want Kenzie back. I miss her life