5 years

I can't believe that this Monday it will mark 5 years since the accident. Every year I feel like I have grown as a person. This year, I don't feel like that. I feel like this last year was so hard and that I just felt defeated. The fundraisers were really hard and like every year I have someone that can do it better or that tells me to stop doing it. All of which are discouraging to me lately. I wanted them to be so much better than what they have been. But unfortunately they just haven't been.

 So I took a break in 2016. And let me tell you it is so depressing to me. I read one of my old blogs (ok I went through a few of them). I had wrote the one thing that I didn't want to happen was for anyone to forget about Kenzie. I wanted her story to be told and for her voice to always be heard. I feel like this year I have let her down. Even though I may not have made much money or any at all. The thing is for one night in Cut Bank and Lewistown I had people thinking about Kenzie. I had people thinking what would they do if they were in that situation. I may had one more person buckle their seat belt that normally wouldn't. I may have had one more person put on a helmet when riding their bike, ATV, ect. So in 2017 (that is crazy to even to think about) I will be bringing the proms back again in the late winter/spring time.

 Every day I am saddened by the people I love that don't wear their seat belts or wear a helmet when riding their motorcycle or whatever it is. Something so simple that may be a little uncomfortable can save your lives. I just don't get it.

 I feel bad because when ever I am driving with someone on a dirt road and we go over 35 mph I can't help but start to get an anxiety attack. I don't even understand why this is. I was not in the car when she got in the accident. I did not see the accident scene. But for some reason I can't seem to help it. Driving on a dirt road is soothing to me as long as we are driving at a slow speed.

 But there are positives that I have taken from this accident as well. I tell more people I love them. I don't just tell family that I love them. I try to remember to tell anyone that I love that I love them. Because you never know when you won't be able to hear that person say that back to you or vice versa. I have more patience with strangers. You never know if that angry guy has a brain injury and is fighting a battle with himself every day because he is not the man he use to be. (don't get me wrong not everyone has a brain injury some people are just assholes) I try my hardest at forgiving. This has been a struggle for me forever. But I have learned not to get angry as easily. I try to be honest with my feelings as much as I can. Life can be so short to pretend that you are ok when you are not or vice versa. Hugs, I try to give them to the people I want to as much as I can.

There is not a day I don't think of my cousin. There is not a day I wish there were more I could do. There is not a day that I would love to take all the pain away from her and the rest of my family. There is not a day that I don't think about her giggle. I miss her every day. Missing her is a struggle because she is here but just not in the same way. That can be hard for others to understand that pain. I have learned that not everyone is going to understand the struggle. People are not going to understand the situation. So much has changed in 5 years and so much has stayed the same. Kenzie changes. They may be small to others but she changes. She gives the family little clues that she is still in there. And that inspires me every day. Someone asked me who the strongest person I knew the other day. Kenzie was my answer. That girl fights a battle every day that none of us will ever know or understand. And I know that Kenzie is still inside there fighting every day to come back to us in one way or another. I will hold on to that every day.

Thank you again to all those that have been with the family for the last 5 years and those that continue to pray for Kenzie and her family. Thank you will never feel like enough and you will never know how much the love, support, and prayer mean to the family. Thank you again. I have been silent this year but get ready to hear from me a lot more this year! -Katie

HOPE..Sometimes thats all we got

So I been reading this book about a boy that got sick and slowly became in to a vegetative state. The doctors told his parents he was brain dead and that he would die..it was just a matter of time.

There are things that are totally different about this case and my cousins case. I know this.

I had to stop reading the book at parts because the abuse this poor man suffered. Unlike Kenzie he had to be put in to a care home during the day and whenever his family went on vacation or his dad was out of town. The things that he was put through the whole time is disgusting and will make you cry, scream and cry again. You will become ill. It was awful. They thought he was brain dead and had no idea what was going on. When all along he was in there. He knew what was going on. He was abused sexually and mentally. He was even forced to eat his own vomit at one time....Yes as I said it will make you sick.

There are a lot of times that people ask me why Kenzies parents decided to take her home and take care of her herself. I want to give those people this book.

I just want people to read this book. People think that it is cruel to keep Kenzie alive. I think it is cruel to judge someone on their decision. A decision that was not taken lightly and given a great deal of thought. I think it is cruel to give up on a young girl who I know is in there. There are things..little things that Kenzie has done though out the years since the accident that in my heart..I KNOW she is in there. With my whole heart I believe this. I have HOPE.

Sometimes holding that hope is hard. I been struggling this last year with that hope. Trying my best to hold on to it.

Reading this book has put a light under me again. As if screaming at me saying Katie stop being a baby and keep having hope and faith. As silly as that may sound I really do believe that his story was meant to speak to me.

He talks about his family not giving up on him and then the family giving up on him (well other than his dad). His mother at one time gets in argument with his dad about the care for him and she tells the boy to just die..he remembers this obviously because it is in his book. The mom slowly gives up because she is so depressed about it all that she basically can not be around him. But the thing that got me is that there is part in the book where he says he knew he had option to let go and die finally and he didn't. He said he held on a fought through it. I believe that is what Kenzie is doing. I think she has had options to let go and yet she has held on. Some may call me crazy, and you people would be correct.

But like I said I have hope and faith. And these are all things I have to believe.

There was a night in the nursing home when I stayed with Kenzie over night. (I am sure there is a blog about it but I am going to talk about it again) I got in pretty late and I could tell that Kenz was already sleeping so I just pulled into the cot and fell asleep. A few hours later I hear ladies talking in the room (I think they noticed Kenzie was awake or they woke her up) and I sat up to let them know that I was in there. They both got this look on their face and said that Kenzie had moved her head towards me like she had recognized my voice. I was laying down still next to her and could not see it happen. But because of this I know she's in there. I swear she pretends she's sleeping when I walk into the room or she knows I am there. It is without fail that literally almost anytime around she is sleeping. There are other moments through the years that she has done that gives me that HOPE.

People are going to say that I am crazy or not agree with anything I have to say. And that is ok. You are entitled to your opinion, but sometimes we all need someone not give up on us and have hope and faith in us. No matter what the outcome of Kenzies story this one thing for sure I know about her life since the accident she has not went unloved or forgotten.

And at the end of the day isn't that what we all want?

So hold on to your hope and faith no matter what or who its in.

Cousin Katie

Baby you're not lost.....

I haven't wrote a blog in so long. I been holding feelings back and letting myself bottle everything in. I have been trying to pretend that I am "ok".

Everything is not OK.

After last years Shake It For Kenzie I had a lot of people tell me that I need a break. Take a year off.

I listened to them, I took a year off. Last years Shake It For Kenzie was a hard one I lost money and am still working on paying it back.

I didn't try very hard at this years prom.  I have been beaten down and I have let the people that told me I needed a break and couldn't continue to do these fundraisers win. I let them WIN.

I am beaten up and broken down.

I have worked so hard to be positive and to keep things and people that only bring me up and not down around. Some where between last August until today I have let those bad things in....or maybe I just bottled my feelings in for so long.

HOPE. Keep having hope. I have been hearing that for almost 3 years now. So for three years I been working on keeping hope.

After three years I have seen so many cases of people being idiotic and they survive. They get the majority of their lives back.

I feel like a horrible person because most of the time I am jealous. I get angry.

The grieving process is a bitch. I don't seem to be doing that well at it. Who does?

This last month I feel like I am back at day one with trying to process this all.

I miss Kenzie. There are things she was going to do and I was looking forward to her grow up and become an adult. I was so curious as to where she was going to bring her life. I cry for the life lost on a regular basis.

Those questions I have told myself I can not ask because it will kill me on the inside because there are no answers for them, I keep asking them lately.

How did I get back here again?

Three years have past and people around me look at me with a face of really you are still upset about this?

My grandpa is now in the nursing home. It was heart breaking for me at first. My grandpa is my favorite person in the whole world. He has always been MINE. Just being around him I feel loved and like no matter what happens he will always love me.  When he got put in the nursing home I started comparing everything to Kenzies old nursing home room. After I left I broke down. All those memories came back. The feeling of being pissed off that Kenzie was in the nursing home as a teenager came rushing back.

Did I mention I feel like I am back at day one of the grieving process?

I miss her more every day. I work every day to be a positive person and not to let me dwell on it. Some days are easier then others and sometimes I am human and I just can't do it. Some days I am so angry and the kicker is I have no one to blame. Because once I try to blame someone or something, I just get more angry.

So taking a break on the fundraisers to raise money and awareness does not seem like such a good idea anymore. Because even though I lost money...I felt like I was giving Kenzie a voice. I felt like we were making a positive experience out of a negative. I need hope that Kenzies story will be heard and she will not be forgotten and that maybe others will not have to go through this. Maybe. That's the hope I have to have. Others may not agree or even support me. But I can not let Kenzies voice or story go unheard. She was to beautiful in every sense to let her fade away.

I love you my cousin.


Since there was not a Shake It For Kenzie 2014 I am setting up a FUNDME page to help hopefully raise some money! Please Share with your friends and lets get Kenzies story heard again even if we don't raise any money hopefully we can get awareness out there again and hopefully others will protect themselves!

http://www.fundme.com/en/projects/5826-Kenzie-Zarn

Jason Aldean

Since the last fundraiser I have felt some what of a failure. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. 

After the fundraiser I kind of just let myself go for a bit. I have really not thought about another fundraiser. I know I will continue but I really just needed a break. I needed a break from it all. I needed a break from being ME. I felt like I disappointed a lot of people including myself and that was something that I needed to escape. So for awhile I went through the motions of life and that is about as far as I went.

My best friend graduated Law School and I had been planning this trip to Vegas with her and friends to celebrate her huge accomplishments. After the fundraiser I thought about canceling the trip. I really felt like I just didn't deserve to go among other things. Then I thought about how bummed Jenna would be and how bummed I would be. So I went. While we were there we went to Toby Keiths "I Love This Bar" and guess who came is JASON ALDEAN. Now this will mean something to some and others it will mean nothing.

When I saw him the first thought that came in to my mind was Kenzie. I wanted to cry, but who wants to hang out with their crying friend at a country bar. So I did really good and didn't get into the sad details with anyone. Anytime I hear one of his songs I think of Kenzie, not because she is a huge fan. Because this is the last memory I have the "real" Kenz. We met at the concert. She came and drug me to the front row. We laughed, screamed, and sang. I stood with her in line as she got a shirt because there were enough boys trying to hit on her that I figured she needed her big bad cousin to protect her. So my love for Jason Aldean has to do with my love for my cousin. No one will ever know how much I cherish that night and that memory of her.

So when I saw him I got emotional. And as we were leaving I decided to stay and wait for some friends. Well as I was walking to the other casino to play this fun machine. I actually literally ran into Jason. All I wanted to do was text Kenzie actually call her and tell her. But instead I smiled to myself and thought about the memories and realized that I need to get over the sadness and disappointment and move on. Maybe some year we can raise a ton of money and get Jason Aldaen or Kenny Chesney to come play at the Shake It For Kenzie. Wouldn't that be a dream come true?!

I decided that I should write this blog after reading past blogs. Its been my motto since the accident to not let the sadness take over my life. I worked very very hard at it and why stop now.

I hope you all had a fun and safe summer.

Until next time take care kids

Much love-
Cousin Katie


Pictures from the fun at the "I love This Bar"

2013 Fundraiser

Now that all of the fundraisers for 2013 are done I get to reflect on what went right and what went wrong. This year has been the biggest learning experience for me. Lewistown and Cut Bank proms were a great success and were a TON OF FUN! thank you all who made these a success and I look forward to going to these towns again and bringing some more fun for some adults!

The Roundup prom was a total bust. I ended up paying way more than I made. We had maybe 20 people show up. Thank you to those who actually showed up.

Shake It For Kenzie, was a little bit of a mess this year. Worked hard on it. After the Roundup prom I fell into a little slump. Everything on the week of the event seemed to fall apart on me. People canceling, promises not fulfilled and scary weather. At noon of the day I was told we may have to reschedule. Needless to say I had a headache all day. And then about 300 the sun came out and never left. It was so beautiful at the zoo. We had amazing music. Sadly our turnout was not what I was expecting. I got less then half of what I was expecting. Needless to say this year was a bummer in the department of making money...:(

So Sunday as I was freaking out about the money and then I got an message on facebook that changed my mood around. Here is the message names have been changed.

"I'm sorry that you didn't get the turnout that you had hoped for. George and I had a great time. I like taking him to things that show him humanity. When we got home, he asked why we went, and I told him Kenzie's story. I'm not sure that he understood much of it, but he did understand what you are doing for her. So, thank you again, for showing us a great example of humanity."

This turned my mood around and made me remember why I started doing this. So thank you for the sweetest compliment I could have ever gotten.

Thank you to all those that believe in me and put your faith in me. I wouldn't be where I am with out you.

I will be taking notes of what I did wrong and will work on making improvements. I look forward to a very successful year next year..

until next time friends...

Cousin Katie

stranger

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I cried, like really cried. I got in my head and couldn't seem to escape the dumb questions I know not to ask myself. How did I get here? Why did I get here?

Three years ago if you would of told me that my heart would be so devoted to brain injuries. I would of laughed and said "brain injuries"? I would of called you crazy. To this day I am not sure why. I think its been a cooping mechanism to deal with the pain.

Yesterday I felt overwhelmed, lost, scared...I felt like I did July 13th. Why 13th? That was the first day I saw Kenzie in the ICU.

So I got out my book of letters that some very kind people wrote about me. I read the one my parents wrote twice and cried like a baby. Sometimes I read the letters and feel like I have never met the person that these people write about. I reread the article in the gazette. Watched the videos online again.

Some days, I feel like I am still in a dream and that I am going to wake up and be 24 again. But in reality I know that's not possible. I couldn't of been asleep for almost 2 years.

It's just one of those weeks were the heart hurts more than normal.

My Mission

I get asked often, "why do you continue to do the fundraiser? does your family really still need help?"

Here is my answers, and the reason that I have started doing all of this in the first place and why I continue to do and what I hope to accomplish.

When I first found out that Kenzie got in an accident, I honestly thought that she was dead. My heart sank and I had no idea what to do. When I found out that she was holding on, the best and only thing I could do was try to be there for my family. This is how I cope with things, I stay busy. When she was in the ICU and we just thought she was going to wake up and be fine. I thought oh my god how are they going to pay for all of this? I thought about doing a fundraiser and I didn't know where to really begin. And then one day I got a facebook message from one of Soni's cousins in Cut Bank wondering if we could do a fundraiser at my cousin Tanyas Bar. This is how the first fundraiser came into play.

As we were getting ready for this fundraiser (about a week before the event) I sat in the ICU and learned that Kenzie was just not going to wake up from this and nothing would be normal again. I completely shut down and it felt like my world fell apart again. I was an emotional wreck and I really did not know how to get up in the mornings sometimes. (I can't even imagine how the rest of the family felt) The night of the fundraiser I was numb, and the love and support from the community of Cut Bank really made me smile and forget about what was happening for a few hours. Then came the Lewistown fundraiser where I basically just attended and watched that awesome community come together for my family. Naomi and Corrie really did an amazing job. Twyla and Nancy are always the first to volunteer with anything and have tried to come to every fundraiser since then. I don't know what I would do without Twyla.

After that things kind of settled down and little by little we heard less from people..or at least I did.

Some where in this time the doctors gave my family the option of letting Kenzie die..not take her off life support, because she was never on life support. Kenzie has been basically breathing on her own. To let Kenzie "go" was to let her starve. Now a lot of people question this decision that Kenzies family made. But I can not imagine watching Kenzie waste away like that. How horrible would that be??

At this time when this was all happening I was wondering what would happen to the life of Kenzie. Would people just forget how amazing she was? How could a 16 year old life just end? How would she be remembered?

That is how the Shake It For Kenzie event started in my mind.

Kenzie loves music. Country music first. But if you see her posts she has a love for all music. This is something I loved about Kenzie. I didn't want Kenzie's memory to go away all together. I think that is a fear most people have of their loved ones passing, is people forgetting.

I thought, I want to do an event where people get to enjoy the summer outdoors and music at the same time. Kenzie loved both and I wanted "Kenzie" to be apart of this. Because after all it was going to have her name in it.  I let this "dream" sit in my mind and brew into this event.

I love planning parties. In junior high in my career class, one of my top three dream careers was a party planner (mostly weddings). I always wanted to do a black/white party or masquerade party with my friends. One day I was talking to my friend Ashley and she had told me she had never been to prom in high school. I was shocked. I think everyone should have to experience at least one prom. AND then I thought HEY that would be a great fundraiser. That is how the adult proms started. I did the first one in Roundup because that is where I am from and I knew if nothing else I could get my friends to attend this. We had at least 100 people show up! Not bad for my first year in my opinion. I had other people saying they wished they had that in their town. Now I took business classes in college and if there is a demand for it I will bring it there. So now that is why there is one in Roundup (May 4), Cut Bank (April 20), and Lewistown (March 30). 

Now when I first announced I was doing a prom in Roundup Amanda Turley was the first to volunteer to help me out. And she may be the reason that Shake It For Kenzie actually became reality. She got me an interview with the Billings Gazette. There I told the reporter everything I wanted to do. Now the reporter must of thought this was a great idea because she called Zoo Montana here in Billings and talked to director and got the ball rolling for me. I can not even begin to thank the Zoo and Donna for all the help they have given me.

I have recently been advised to change the name of this event. I am torn and still do not know exactly what I will do, we shall see.

How I got the bands to play for free last year? I did not beg or anything like that..I just met really amazing human beings who wanted to help!

This year I plan on making this a HUGE event. Look for big announcements later...:)

Now before the accident I was a 24 year old (I turned 25 like 4 hours after I found out about the accident) who liked to have a good time and had no real responsibilities in life. This accident has changed my whole life. That is why I do these fundraisers not only to help my family out but to help raise money for a non-profit group HERE in Montana that helps raise awareness and helps with families that deal with this everyday.

Before this I couldn't tell you anything about a Traumatic Brain Injury. The heart ache I feel is overwhelming sometimes. I am sad and there are days that I cry because I can not take my cousin on a cousin road trip like we were planning on. I have come a long ways since the first day of the accident. But the pain never really goes away you just learn how to hide it better. This is why I continue to do these fundraisers. Yes raising money is important. Because yes my family still needs help. I will not get into details with what they face on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Kenzie is not in a hospital or nursing home anymore. She is at home. There is a lot of expenses. Remember Kenzie flew in a helicopter not once but twice and was taken by ambulance from Seattle to Great Falls. Those alone are HUGE expenses. Also all the money raised DOES NOT just go to my family a good portion of it goes to the Brain Association of Montana.

But the other reason I am continuing these fundraisers is to bring awareness to Traumatic Brain Injures.  If Kenzie would have been wearing a seat belt there is a great possibility that I would not be writing this blog right now and I have no idea where I would be in my life. But here I am. If I could just get at least one person to think about buckling their seat belt, wearing a helmet, or taking some precaution to protect themselves then I think I have made a difference.

And if and when my family does not need the money anymore then all the proceeds that I make will go to the Brain Association. I never want anyone to forget Kenzie. I believe that she really was one of a kind. (but then again she is a Zarn ;) ) So I plan on continuing this, to keep "Kenzie" alive.

If anyone would like to be apart of any these fundraisers please contact me at ktzarn@gmail.com