Lifes Scoreboard

I been on the go since July 13th.

Last week my  body gave up on me.

Today fate has dealt me a terrible hand. Its like I am playing black jack I went all in and theN busted. For those of you who don't know what that means I went over 21. (Thank you mom and dad for teaching me to gamble)

One thing after another has been happening. Last week it was my back and a cold. I got a nasty cold monday but some how was feeling amazing today. I was excited got off work did some major cleaning and was getting caught up on Katie chores finally. When on my last little chore before going home to load the car, I slid right into a car. I wasn't hurt. He didn't seem hurt with all of his laughing and joking. (thats a different head ache) My poor trusty car is injured and is not legal to drive without lights :( This puts my traveling on a hold. Which is a heart ache to me. To you readers this may seem like no big deal. But too me this is pretty devasting. I had people counting on me this weekend. I had taken time off of work so I could be at places. I like being there for people. On top of it there is stuff that was suppose to get done two weeks ago and other things got in the way. Its another set back. Irritating and frustating.

Tolday I officaly admitted that I am emotionally beaten. I have taken enough from life these last few months that I am ready to run away to an beach and sit and stare at the beach with no thoughts. Just stare and imagine whats past that ocea that seems to go on for years. I am broken. Its not even just this stupid bender fender. Something minor of course has to turn into bigger problems for me. This is how God tests me lately. Its like he wants to see how much I can take. Everyone keeps telling me to slow down. Well here you go this is me slowing down now. Not by choice.

And if you were counting on me this weekend I apologize I wish I could be doing everything that I had planned.

Super bummed I will miss another weekend with Kenzie. She really is good for my soul. The drive seems like nothing once your in that room with her. My soul could of used some of that lovely soul of hers. I guess Randy and Soni will have to give her extra hugs and lovings for me! Love you guys!!

Next month I will look at this blog and this day will feel like a little bump. I know that. I will get over this and move on. I know how to do that.

Somedays those bumps seem like steep hills to climb. Today is one of those days. That or I am just sick of the bumps.



Time to get my hiking boots on!

Life 1 Katie 0

by the way I promise I am not cutting myself or anything extreme :)

Blessings!

Through this whole thing I have met a lot of AMAZING people. People that probably would have never met if not for this accident. People are have big big hearts. Naomi for wanting to do something. Poor lady something that started small seemed to turn into something huge. Corrie for helping Naomi with everything. I am guessing she helped keep Naomi some what sane. Thank you two sooo much. You never had to do anything and for you wanting to do it good karma is coming your way for sure. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

Nancy and her husband are angels. Talk about beautiful souls! They are amazing human beings. From the very first day I met Nancy she has been a blessing. Her and her husband found a van for Kenzie so she isn't stuck in the nursing home. This is a huge stress reliever for m aunt and uncle. Give Nancy a mission and she will figure it out. She's a beautIful person. Very thankful to have her in my life.

I get a lot of different messages from people everyday that want to help out. One day I got a message from a girl names Katie from Helena who really wanted to help out. So she went out of way d ordered these awesome new bracelets. She use one of the quotes from Kenzies facebook status' "do what they say can't be done". BEAUTIFUL. She also went to her church and talked about Kenzie's situation. AMAZING! Did I mention Katie has never met me or any of my family. Thank you Katie for everything!

I met Twyla when all this first happened. She had never met my family either. But she started the first fundraiser by sitting at Albertsons and selling magnets, stickers, shirts and raffle tickets. She always got me more when I needed. She such a sweet lady. I'd like to also thank the lady who donated her time and supplies for making the first 200!

To everyone that has put time in the fundraisers. People that donated items. For the people who came to the fundraisers. People that have sold and bought everything that has been for sale. And to the people that take the time to read facebook. this blog, and kaylas blog. And for everyone that is praying. I thank you!! You have all been a major blessing to our family!!

"We will always have Paris"

I am starting to get more anxious as there seems less for me to do. I wish I knew away to make it go away. Being busy really helps with this "empty" feeling I am now starting to feel. My reality is starting to hit and I am far from ready. I am super lost. I been grinding my teeth and can't seem to stop and have recently realized have the shakes. I can not concentrate and have no motivation for really anything.

Last week I went to work with a very bad pain in my upper back and felt a cold coming on. I was upset about the cold because I feel it would be a bad choice to visit Kenz with a cold. I rather her body work on healing itself then catching some stupid infection that gave her. Sitting at work the pain in my back got worse it was literaly making mneasous. About a hour into work I was on the ground in the fetal position holding in tears. Finally my coworked called my manager and I took myself to the walk-in clinic. Dr.Ericka saw me and diagnosed me with an inflamed spine. How I got this I have no idea. So I got sent home for two days on medications where I literally just slept and slept. I probably needed this. But I still felt guilty I feel like I wasted my time off. I had planned on going to Lewistown seeing a friend and then seeing Kenzie in Great Falls if cold went away. Now I have a new cold and hope it goes away in time to see Kenzie. Because as selfish as I am. I wouldn't want to get Kenz sick I think I would feel terrible about that.

So I feel guilty I haven't seen Kenzie in two weeks now. I am sure I will get the evil look from her. Honestly being away from her for that long is hard. It makes the reality harder and harder not to see it often. This is all selfish of me.

So here I am sitting without anything to do for her. That helpless feeling is starting to set in..that makes the anxiety set in. Oddly enough I can tell when I have an anexity attack coming and can talk myself into breathing. Breathing is the only way to concur this feeling. Some days thats easier said then done. If I don't stay busy in some sort of way. My brain doesn't do to well when its not occupied. I wish I could share my brain activity with Kenzie :(

When people joke about being brain dead it makes my heart sink. I don't get mad or even say anything. Because I know people don't mean this in a negative way. When did joking become so difficult for me?

I feel bad for guys that I meet. I always give them a test when I meet them. I come off almosty bitchy..I like to see if they can handle it. If you can't handle my personality when you first meet me, you'll never be able to keep up. The other test is can they handle my obsession with Kenize. It really is an obsession. I am slowly learning not to bring it up in every conversation with every person I met. But, I am not perfect but I am trying to be better. I can meet a nice guy but if he says something on a day that I am having a "mental" day then I am probably going to be a little moody.

I wish life was back to normal.

Today I am having a day of regret. I'd kill do things that me and Kenzie had said we would do. I would love to take her to the Deli in Cut Bank. I'd love to roadtrip to see Kayla and Starr. I'd love to have a cousin sleep over with crappy food, masks, movies and all that junk. I regret never really taking the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Today seeing her in her wheel chair brings a pain to my gut. A pain I can not even fully describe. I hate when people tell me I am a good cousin. Because I am not. I could of been better. Theres a lot of times that I regret. I wish I could have one more family gathering with hearing her give her dad a hard time in front of the whole family and Randy giving her the "silent" yelling..I want it back. Her, Kayla and Aunt Soni laughing and seeing Uncle Randys look of disapproval. I miss those giggles. I miss that smile.

I miss her. period.

3 MONTHS

It's the strangest thing to go three months without seeing someone talk or in this case do an hourly facebook status when this person is technically alive. Kenzie is just that "technically" alive. She breaths, has a heart beat, and all that good stuff. But she can't fight with her parents, she can't call her sister late at night and she can not giggle with her best friends. She gets feed on a schedule, she has to have someone wipe her ass, she does pt daily, her parents have to dress and undress her, she can't tell you how she's feeling, and this list could go on. Sometimes I wonder how people imagine Kenz. Because there will be postings like she gave a thumbs up. I wonder if they imagine her clinching her fist and raising her whole hand and her finger being fully extended? Fact is you have to make sure she doesn't make a fist and her finger slowly goes up. Regardless its the most beauitful thing to see. Three months ago she was sleeping beauty. Three months ago I remember praying she'd wake up and life would be some what normal. Was I wrong..sadly. The journey is far from over and hope isn't gone. But there are days when all you can do is cry and yell at God. Why, how!? I don't know how to wrap my brain around it so I stop asking. I see assholes everyday and they get functioning braisn. Then I see all these other people with miracles and here I am jealous. I am an awful person. I just want her miracle too. People say she is lucky to be alive. Answer me this is she really living though?

Its a questins that is hard to answer or even comprehend. I am  not sure I can answer this question. Its sad..its devastating. Today marks three months since the accident three months since the world lost someone amazing.

Bitter Sweet

Today seems hard. Seeing pictures of Kenzie everywhere really makes it a reality for me. I hate right now we have to do a fund raiser for Kenzie. I wish she was here to enjoy this with us today.

I am extremely sad and honored. I am sad because well does there really have to be a reason?

But all the people helping out and all of the donations are amazing. I can't even being to tell you everything that has been donated...think of it and its probably being auctions. Naomi, Nancy and Corrie have done an amazing job! Thank you ladies you have made this journey we are on a little bit easy.

Thank you Rebecca for keeping me busy and bumming around. Thank you Kaylas friends for keeping her company I know she really needed some friend time!!

This is short and sweet because I have to finish getting ready so I can kick Kaylas butt in the dance off..BOOM!

Kayla!!!

Most of you read Kayla (Kenzie's older sister) blog. Amazing does not even begin to describe these blogs. She is so brave to come out with ALL of her feelings. I talk to her on a daily basis and we speak of how each other are feeling that day. We don't usually describe the day as a good or bad day its usually like its a crying day or its not. I am proud of Kayla for fighting her darkest feelings. Until you have been in her shoes you can not even to begin how her heart feels. To judge her is foolish. She is her own human being and her feelings are real. Kayla has lost her best friend in the whole world. She has lost the one person in the world that never judged her for whatever she did or said. Her and Kenzie loved each other unconditionally. They were not just blood sister..they were SOUL sisters.  I feel very protective over Kayla. I love her so much and I do not and can not picture being where she is. I have lost my cousin but that is nothing compareable to what Kayla has lost. I think her blog has been a great escape for her and a great thing for other people to read. Because she covers so many "dark" areas that people don't want to face and she throws them in your face. She lets you into her breaking heart. She is fearless...

John LaPierre

I know this blog says Kenzie Zarn but this is MY blog so figured what the heck! :)



John and Barb LaPierre



The reason I am writing about someone else is because John and his family have a special place to my heart. Before I go on to explain John I'll give you background info.

The reason I know John is because of his daughter Sarah. Sarah is my best friend. We have been best friends since like 6th or 7th grade. The stories we could tell you of each other. My mom use to ask us if we were lesbiens because we hung out so much. We cheered together in high school and she has always been right by side through thick and thin. I remember when she was pregnant with Jayce and her calling me scared and excited. And when Jayce was born I remember seeing how well motherhood made her the happiest I've ever seen her. Or the time when she sent me a picture of her engagement ring and calling me to tell me how it happened. I was there on her wedding day. As we grow up the less we see of each other but honestly my love for Sarah is just as strong. Every girl needs a best friend and I am honored and privelaged to call her mine.

Sarah has three sister (Erin, Christy, and Jenna) and one brother (Matt). They are a very close family and over the years I have gotten to know the whole family. They really are all amazing people. They are all close and dear to my heart.

About two months ago (I may be wrong on my time line here) John was diagnosed with colon cancer. Now as some may know this is one of the toughest cancers. I believe he has like 4 surgeries so far. He's been having complications since the 1st surgery. After his 1st surgery was suppose to recover for a few weeks before he started chemotherphay. But being in out of the hospital since his first sugery has made it hard to fight off the rest of the bad cells. (I am trying to do this story justice I am sure I am missing parts that is why I will attach his caring bridge site so you can learn more and leave him some good thoughts )

As I said the LaPierre family is a very close family. Along with being a family man John does dedicate his time to the Roundup Fire Department. Everyone has been with John every step of the way. They are sellling bracelets for $5 that say "No one fights alone." Along with the bracelets there is an account set up at First Security Bank in Roundup for John. ALSO the next two sundays they are doing a benefit breakfast for John in Roundup. If you are interested anymore info on this you can check the caring bridge site or contact me at ktzarn@gmail.com and I will make sure to send you in the right direction.

Again thank you for reading and if you can keep John and his family in your prayers. They need prayers for him to heal from this last surgery and to make this his LAST surgery so he can take cancer by the balls and tell them where to shove it!!

JOHNS CARING BRIDGE SITE

Strangers

Who knew that so many strangers could and would pray for Kenzie. I know she is amazing..its just heart warming to see everyone. I know there is people who do not have facebook that pray also. Words, hugs, high fives...those will never be able to express how thankful I am for these prayers. Lately my heart feels these prayers, coming from me I feel like that means that these prayers are so powerful. If I can feel them then I know Kenzie feels them too! I can't wait to tell you guys an update. Hopefully I will get to see her this weekend once so I can post something new about her..until then here is some places to check out

First off Kayla's blog..check it out and don't forget to click on her ads everytime someone clicks on an ad it gives her a little money. Plus her writing is amazing!!! kaylas blog!!!

Then there is the PRAY FOR KENZIE fan page!! I update it more then the rest of the family so check it out!! PRAY FOR KENZIE ZARN!!

Last I am going to share the caring bridge website. Here is where my uncle randy and soni do updates also you can leave Kenz a message and more then likely they will read it to our girl!caring bridge!!

Again thank you soo much! The little messages you leave on the page make our hearts warm and help keep the hope! Thank you soo much!!!

Kayla and Kenzie

If you know me then you know I am HUGE into family. Its one of the most important things in my life. I like to plan get togethers so that I can see everyone because I LOVE my whole family with my whole heart!!

Growing up I have always been the baby in the family I am even the youngest when it comes to my siblings..

So when Kayla came around I was sooo excited.



Katie, Kayla, Grandma Mona!!





Growing up I loved seeing Kayla. I even remember holidays spending with her and the one time she got to stay the night at my house. Kayla has always amazed me. I've always known she was amazing person with a great big heart. Before the accident Kayla was figuring out the person she was. She came out to family and friends that she was in love with her best friend Starr..I like to call her Starr-ific, taking time off from school, moving out of state and learning to really make it on "her" own. Its a scary world. She has always been close to her family. So I understand that moving more then 6 hours from home can be fun and scary at the same time. So happy that she made all these transitions to find out who you are. Lets face it I am 25 and I am still learning who I am..very proud of her!  http://lifelovehospitals.blogspot.com/  (THIS IS KAYLAS BLOG READ IT!!)

Then there is Kenzie. The things I remember the most of her when we were younger is thinking she was so cute. I loved that people would say we looked alike. I remember sitting at her house and her hiding behind me from my dad. I remember her cute little smile and playing in the house in the back yard at their house.

As Kenzie got older the more I adored her. She really just enjoyed life. I can not express that enough. She was out enjoying life with friends, sister, and her parents. She loved her house, blue mt dew and music. I always found out new songs with the lyrics she would post of myspace and facebook. I thought man my cousin is such a cool kid. I loved looking at her new pictures she would post on facebook. I love the puddle jumping pictures. Most of her pictures looked like she didn't have a care in the world was just enjoying it. And I always thought she was older then she was. I was always surprised at her "real" age. She was wise beyong her 16 years.

Theres a lot more I could say about her. But I am sure most everyone has heard about all these amazing things about Kenzie. I loved that she cussed, that she didn't like everyone and she was ok to like a little bit of everything. She rocked at life..plain and simple..

The one thing that Kenzie loved is her sister Kayla...

Their relationship is what most sisters wants. You want your sister to be your bestfriend the person you can tell everything too. My sister is 11 years older then me so our relationship is different then theirs. I love my sister and I tell her everything. We had a different relationship and I love our relationship.

Kayla and Kenzie are sisters they are silly arguements we will not call them fights because they weren't fights. And if no matter what Kayla would have Kenzies back and Kenzie would have Kaylas. They talked everyday and if you don't believe me go check out facebook. You can see some of their conversations right there. Their love is one you can not deny and one you can not belittle. They are their own people but when they are together its a force not to reckon with. Seeing them at family events and how they love on each other was really heartwarming. To see the things they say and post of each other makes you want to sing out loud. LOVE.

I miss that the most. I miss Kayla having her best friend. I miss Kaylas heart being full. I miss her posting on Kenzie's page. And I miss Kenzie telling her sister that she missed her and her to get her butt home. I think I might miss that the most more then anything. Kayla loves Kenzie. I know Kenzie would still pick Kayla over anyone. You go to her room and talk about Kayla and she will more then likely perk up. Not even a brain engery can break this bond.



KAYLAS BLOG READ IT!! FOLLOW IT!!LOVE IT!!

http://lifelovehospitals.blogspot.com/

Hard Times Bring Some Close and Push Some Apart

***this was off my phone I apologize now***

To be very honest for a second or two I am at a breaking point lately with a lot of things in my life. Maybe its exhaustion catching up or just putting up with so much for awhile now and just can't hold back anymore.

Let me start out by saying I love my family and friends very much. I am a little disappointed in some people. First off they are doing a doing  fundraiser in Lewistown for Kenz and now this is not far from where my friends live. Sadly enough I believe only two people will be showing up. I know some people have to work, I get it. But just thought I'd have more support. This goes for family too. I believe there is family going. But some family hasn't even seen Kenzie. It blows my mind. Some live out of state I get that too. Just makes me sad because there are people that I looked up to that have disappointed me. That's part of what breaks my heart. I'd support these people and visit them. Oh well life goes on..

I'd just like to also say that I don't expect everyone to visit as much as I do. I am crazy and obsessive. I get people have lives I just figured some people would maybe just come to support me or just the family in general. I know my whole family loves and thinks of Kenzie. And some wish they could be there more.

And there is family that has been there. Don't get me wrong.

Maybe it scares me...what if that was me?

On the Road Again

As I type this blog I am sitting in Kayla and Starr-ific's couch in North Dakota. I've had a few busy days traveling to Great Falls back to Billings. Then to Lewistown and back. And now to Bismarck North Dakota.

In Great Falls I got to see Kenz, Randy and Soni. I got to have a slumber party with Kenz. It was nice to just be around here even if we are both just sleeping. Maybe it's her soul that makes me feel comfortable. She seemed pretty worn out the whole time. I am not sure if its all the pt she's doing or what. I think she was mad that I hadn't been there in a while. At night she gave me her evil look. But in the morning when I was talking to the nurses they said she moved her head all the way towards me. So I believe she can tell voices. That makes me feel better. She did a visitor from a boy and its always interesting to see how people act when they first see Kenz. I felt bad for him I should have gave him a hug but didn't know if that would make him feel more uncomfortable. But Kenz is beautiful and moved her fingers..I am working on making her give people "the finger"

The trip to Lewistown was to raise some money. This is my go to thing to keep my mind occupied. I feel like I am making a difference and that helps. I met some really nice people. I met one asshole. Excuse my language but don't ask me what I am selling then cut me off and say oh  yeah everyone has a cause as you're walking away. Ohh people. Little kids are funny because they are so honest they don't have that filter yet. The best part is when this little boy named shawn came up and asked how much for a bracelet. My friend Ashley said $5. Shawn put his hands in his pockets and you could hear change rattling. He then looked up with a confused look on his face and asked how much is $5 again...oh I know its 2 quarters...oh wait thats a dollar its 3 quarters right? Ashley looked at me giggling asking how many quarters it was. I looked at the cute blonde boy and asked him how many quarters he had and he threw up 4 quarters and a dime and I said SOLD! What a sweet boy. some other girl tried to steal one. Other people told me they should be free. It was interesting and heartwarming for everyone to come check it out. I had a table with pictures of Kenzie then and now on the table along with some papers that Kayla wrote for me. Bless her heart. We had it broken down to 3 different pages. The first one was about Kenzie and some fun facts one of them being she has bad writing. Then there was one about the accident. The third is about her life now and struggles she is challenged with daily. The last one was my favorite and breaks my heart to read it. Kayla asked friends to help her and they wrote about meeting her and missing her now. This has changed a lot of peoples lives. I cannot emphasis this enough. Its heart breaking and heartwarming. I hate to see people hurt. But I love that she had impact on people lives

Hated things that get said.."she looks better then I thought"-I am glad that you think she looks good I agree..but if you have not seen her person or were there in the hospital bed you don't get the whole idea. Talking to Kenzie and her not being able to respond in anyway is heartbreaking she looks beautiful yes I agree. But if you aren't there or weren't there when she first got in the wreck its hard to look at the picture and get the whole idea..this mainly bothers me with family.

One girl said "at least she can sit up"...yeah with a wheelchair or someone making her she can't say oh I won't to sit up and then sit up.

Let me say this I understand when people say things they mean good. I get that. I thank everyone for talking about her praying for her and donating stuff. I appreciate it soo much. things might irritate me but I still appreciate these people..they took the time to think about Kenzie even for just a second is all right in my book