Its A Losing Game

Like an idiot I some how lost the other blog I just wrote..to sum it up I miss Kayla and I miss Kenzie and I my Randy and Soni.

I decided I was going to add pictures to this one and when I went to Kaylas page I saw her head start picture and I knew I wanted to add that one.

Looking at younger pictures of her and Kenzie..I can't help but wish I could go back in that time. Go Back to when we were all so little. When life was easy and everything seemed perfect in our lives..

Yes there are days that I dream of being able to stop this from all happening. That only makes it harder. I wish I could make this all go away. I want to go back in time to being little girls and telling them to be safe...

I feel like a terrible person because some days its hard not to be angry at the girl that was driving. But I know it was an accident I know she would take it back if she can. I know that. But I am human and I want my cousin back. I miss her crazy postings on facebook. I miss texting her anytime something reminded me of her. Sometimes I text her just saying I miss her. I called her cell phone one night. I just miss her. The pain somedays is like mourning a death. I hate that because shes alive and yet here I am crying over a loss.

The world that doesn't know Kenzie really doesn't know what they missing out on. That makes me sad. She is so bright and beautiful. She's her own person and was never afraid to show that. I wish I could enjoy her more. The world is a darker place...

I think of me growing up and someday getting married and having kids..and that makes me sad. Things that I look forward to are things she won't get to enjoy. Some man out there should be heartbroken because I know she was someones soul mate. She would of been an amazing mom.

This is why its hard not to be angry at the drive sometimes. I don't blame her but somedays you need to angry at someone to get over the sadness. But know it just makes me feel worse.

Fighting with my feelings is a norm..

I been planning a Zarn family reunion for the last year..now I am torn if I should continue. I don't know if I can.

Today I am sad, lonely and heartbroken..just heartbroken


enjoy all the old pics..the last one is of the Zarns

just missing her

Today is a day that I was doing good all day....

then out of no where I want to cry..

I think sometimes I forget what has happened like I think its a joke and then reality hits me and I remember.

I miss her today a lot!

high fives!!

(again the majority of this post was done on my phone)





Yesterday my friend Fawna and I walked around our hometown passing out fliers for the raffle/fundraiser they are doing in Lewistown. Its amazing to me how nice people are. It makes my heart melt everytime some stopped to read it. I cant blame them with kenzies big smile on the page how could you not stop? After we put them up i got more requests for bracelets. How amazing!! And someone wanting to donate a quilt. Just great people!!!

I'd like to take time to thank some people who have made this whole situation a little bearble. If I forget anyone I apologize.

Kayla-for letting me vent to you. I know you have a lot going on in your life but you listen to me on my bad days and I appreciate you soo much and love you soo much!

Room mate (Nicole)-For putting up with me every day

Sarah- for texting me and facebooking me just to make sure I am ok. You have a ton going on in your life so you taking the time to see how I am means soo much to me!

Ashley- Thank you for doing errands for me and for visiting Kenzie. I don't know if I could of done it without you

Fawna-for making the "long" walk around town and understand sometimes a girl just needs a vodka

Jackson- for putting up with my crazy :)

Heather (sister)- For helping me out with anything I ask for. You are the reason I am still somewhat sane!

Jeni (sister-in-law)-for getting me at 2 am drunk and having a mental breakdown, for the hugs you seem to know when I really need one. helping me with projects and letting me vent without judging me.

Shane (brother)- for just being my brother and taking me fishing!

My parents- for understanding that somedays I just need to be left alone

Ryan- for answering all my silly medical questions and explaining it to me in normal person language!

town of roundup for being just awesome!

the gals at the flowershop- for selling bracelets, donating and the flowers!!

town of cut bank for making the first fundraiser soo sucessfu!!

to everyone that donated the list is too big to name you all!!

cousin tanya- thank you for all your help and time!!

starr- for being there for kayla. i am positive your the one that keeps her sane!

naomi and the lewistown gal- thank you for you time and deidication. i know how much time and hard work it takes to "throw" a fundraiser together. so thank you soo much.

to everyone that has to listen to me obsess about kenzie :)

to my aunt soni and uncle randy- you have been amazing. You answer every question I bother you with and you let me come bother you guys! I love you guys so much thats nothing new!!

just a few thoughts

Today I thought I'd write something not angry or sad...

So far that is the only line I can come up with

I actually had a lot written down and well its gone.


Lately my struggle with myself is learning to get into a routine again. For awhile I was traveling once a week putting close to 1000 miles in two days once in awhile I would do that in less the 24 hours. I did take some time off to go see Kenzie a few times when my cousin John and Cat went. Going for your first time to see her can be shocking and most certainly heartbreaking.

I want to make it clear that I don't ever feel like I have to be there..like someone is making me. Its a want to be there. My biggest fear is forgetting..people forgetting her. and forgetting her sister. I don't want them to feel like I have ever forgotten them. I don't ever see them feeling that way but its still a fear.

Growing up people have always said me and Kenzie look a like. I see it some days but Kenzie is tall, skinny and goregous. So naturally I take it as a compliment. I think its the brown hair and eyes. I have a few freckles but not as many as Kenz. I'll have to dig up baby photos one day..but for now you can be judge on these photos..enjoy

(I tried to remember all I wrote..of course there was a lot more)

Kenzie Katie

Eyes Wide Open

One thing that drives me absoutly nuts, is when people ask if she has waken up. Mostly people that ask this once a week. My answer is always yes..they get excited and then I explain there is no response in her eyes which means she really isn't look at anything her eyelids are open but thats about as far as it gets. Don't get me wrong by any means I love her eyes being open I love seeing them..now if she could just smile. or talk.

Today is one of those my heart really hurts kind of days. I am not really sure why. Maybe because I had to explain this to girl. And seeing her looking like Kenzie was all of sudden healed broke my heart. Because shes not smart enough to understand me and I will have to have this conversation with her again next week.

Today is a "I want to stay in my bed and just lay there" kind of day. Or I want to drive to Great Falls and hold her hand...

Kenzie is in a nursing home now...and I am having a hard time dealing with this reality now. People seem to be happy she is there. Not me. I feel like her being moved from a hospital to a nursing home is like just taking her to a place to take up space. This could not be the case but she is 16 and shes in a nursing home. Her grandparents are not suppose to visit her there. I can only imagine how heart broken my grandma and grandpa are...which makes my heart break more. She's suppose to visit me in the nursing home or retirement home when I am really REALLY old you know to check to see if its a place she can see herself in. I am not suppose to be here crying because my 16 year old cousin is in a nursing home. I am suppose to be waiting to see pictures of her in her homecoming dress. I am suppose to give her advice if she ever needs some. This is not suppose to be happening. I can't make it stop but I wish I could. I wish I could go back..

People say God wouldn't have done this if he didn't know you were that strong..or God has a path for you, you just have to follow. Or theres some life lesson here, or this makes you stronger and a better person. 1. Really what is the family suppose to do, just leave her and pretend it didn't happen? so I don't get that statement..its almost like asking someone how they are..? you probably don't want the real answer but its the poliete question to ask. 2. This path he has chosen for me...can I chose his path for him or someone else? I'd like to be independent and choose my own path thank you very much. 3. Life lesson's are bullshit. I don't care to learn anything new. 4. Make me a better person. I don't know about the rest of the family but I know this, I was ok with not being a good person. I am ok going back to the person I was. I rather have Kenzie then be some "awesome" person or whatever. I rather have her then learn all these new life lessons, paths, or whatever it is that this is suppose to teach me. I don't care at all.

I am bitter. I am very bitter towards God or whatever it is I am bitter towards. Mostly on days like today where the pain seems unbearable. Kenzie didn't take life forgranted she wasn't sitting at home being depressed. She was enjoying life. Thats what baffles me. Take someone that doesn't give a shit about their life....thats how I feel about that.

Death..its a concept I can't wrap my head around. What Kenzie is going through is worse. Because to me she can't tell us if something is hurting..hell she can't tell us anything. When someone dies at least they are not suffering. I just wish she could talk or communicate. Because if she knows whats going on (in my heart I believe she does) then I can only imagine how frustrating, irritating, and scary this must be for her.

I love and miss you Kenzie more and more everyday

When the world fell apart on me

When we were doing a fundraiser in Cut Bank I would stop on my way there and on my way home. One of the times I was coming back home I of course stopped and saw Kenzie. When I got there it was just Aunt Sandra in the room (Kenzies mom's sister). We sat there and talked and she told me about what she was going. Then Ericka came in the room (the girl who was driving the car in the accident) with her mom. We all sat and chatted and then Patty the ICU nurse came in the room. People were asking her questions about the CT scan that Kenzie got. This would be the first time we would have better knowledge of what we should expect out of Kenzie. Since she's not a doctor and the news hadn't been told to Randy and Soni she couldn't give us the results. So she was explaining what the good news could be and what the bad news could be. And when she was telling this she had her back to Sanda, Erica and her mom. I was sitting on the side and could see Patty's face. As she was explaining how if the results came back that we could never see any improvement in Kenz and if we did it would and could be just minimal. That what we saw now could be as good as it could get for a long time. She was explaining that she could be put into a nursing home or taken home. Now when she said taken home Ericka got excited not knowing that going home would not mean Kenz would be better but that she would still be stuck in a hospital bed. This whole time I started to have trouble breathing, the room seemed really small, the room started spinning. I wanted to either run out of that room screaming or jump in Kenzies bed with her and hold her and beg and plead for her to wake her eyes. Instead I couldn't move and just sat there with tears coming down my face. Because even though Patty never said that we would be getting bad news. In my heart I felt it. I knew it.

I called a few people and told them and everyone kept telling me that I can't give up hope. I would like to start by saying that I have never given up hope. I have to have some kind of reality too because never thinking that this could happen made dealing with this process harder. But when people tell me not to give up hope where it sounds like they think I am giving up all of sudden or they put that on any of the familys pages or what not it makes me want to shake these people. Shake them and say are you serious?! Who is sitting with Kenzie, who is holding her hand, who has to sit there and watch her get poked and taken for surgeries, who has to see her hair get cut (she had such long beautiful hair), whose heart breaks everytime they leave her? Its ok to have a bad day once in awhile and not know how to deal with situation. Everyday its something new. Everyday is a struggle. To question someones hope and faith when it comes to this just baffles me. I know that every person that says this does not really question it. But I am bitter and this is how I feel sometimes.

That ride home was the worst I cried literally from Great Falls to Lewistown. I had to meet up with a lady so I tried to contain myself and it worked. I cried a little on the way from Lewistown to Roundup. Then Roundup to Billings I cried the whole time then too. The next day I looked like hell big puffy eyes. Thats what going to bed crying and waking up crying does to you. I went through the day with the motions. Then at the end of up my shift I saw on caring bridge that the news was bad it wasn't good. I had another anxiety attack was shaking and crying. I couldn't stop myself not matter how much I tried. Poor people had to see me fall apart right in front of them. I am not someone that gets emotional at work at all and I like to think these people see me as a stong person. So for me to have that melt down was embaressing and I aplogized to them for it. I am sure it just make them feel akward more then anything.

I went home and cried and fell asleep. I was exhausted I have never been so dead feeling my whole life. My world seemed to fall apart in those two days.

Days when I struggle the most are the days that I wake up crying and not really knowing why I am crying. When I see people that tend to say fuck life and just take forgranted life. When I see young kids going to school, football and volleyball games and things like that. I won't go to the mall yet because I can't see a homecoming dress. I think I might have a break down. I have to know my weak spots to keep myself from having more bad days. Hearing Kayla be broken is heart breaking but I am glad that she can talk to me and express those feelings to me. I love her very much.

I hate when people just ask how Kenzie is just to be poliete. So to be poliete to them I say she is doing fine. That is always my response. If I like or love you I will explain what is new with her. And I'll usually be honest and tell you that I don't even know a real answer for that. Because she does move and there she looks amazing. But to me my thought process is that she is 16 and she can't tell people where it hurts. So when you ask how Kenzie is and I just fine its because I probably don't know the right answer for this question. Its a question that I can't seem to answer right. So fine or ok seems to be the answer that people are ok with.

I want to say one more time that I have so much hope, faith and love for Kenzie. I pray every day for her. Theres not a second that goes by where I am not thinking about her. I know she has made many improvements and has come a long ways. She has been doing more then the doctors thought she would do. I am human and some of these feelings are just my way of trying to deal with a situation that is unbearable some days. I thank everyone that has ever thought or prayed for her. These have helped her come a long way, I really do believe that.

Firsts

(side note: most of this post was written on my phone so I apologize now if its not written good at all haha)

The night of the accident I was at work. I had planned on working past my 8 hours so I could get as many hours in before my vacation. Well, as I walking pack to the desk I decided to check facebok really fast. I was reading updates and was actually going to creep on a status kenz had posted earlier that day (what it said I do not even recall). When I saw Kaylas name on facebook obviously I had to stop and look. When I saw "Please pray for my little sister" I was hoping it was a joke they were doing. I tried to read the comments but the first one I saw was something about a hospital. I saw that word and had to brace myself.I called kayla and as soon as I heard her crying I had to sit down. I remember what she said "Kenzie has been in an accident she has a head injury and her brain is really hurt the doctors say its really bad." I didnt know what to say or how to act. Igot off the phone and just sat there shocked. My coworker was asking questions about work and the only thing I could do was ignore her and call my mom. after I got off the phone I decided I better go home. I called and texted my family that I had numbers for. when I got home I sat in my car when it started to rain it felt like the world was crying for me. I couldn't feel anything at that point and I all of sudden had a lot of energy. It took all I had to lay down in bed without going crazy.


While laying in bed I got a text from my uncle Randy saying Kenzie got in a bad accident and she was being flown to Great Fallls if I could call and let me parents know. As soon as I got that I knew it was really bad. That night I think I got a total of 2 hours of sleep. The next day was my birthday so I was getting texts and calls in the early am telling me happy birthday. I also got an early wake up call asking if I could work 7-5 since people called in sick. As I was getting ready for work I just started bawling. Putting on my makeup was pointless because I had to keep redoing it. I am sure my roommate thought I was crazy with me talking to myself. I kept saying "Katie you got to pull it together. She's going to be fine. Your going to be fine." Work helped because I stayed busy and got through my day without another tear. The day after that I tried my hardest to make it through work. But I just couldn't take it anymore I had to get to her. So I left work early and me and my friend Ashley started our vaca a little early and spent a few hours with Kenzie.

The first time I saw Kenzie in the hospital..it was, well theres not really a word for how I really felt. We got there and I got this energy all of sudden and I felt sick to my stomache. I had no idea what I was going to see. When I got to the room she looked huge. She was so swollen. As soon as I thought I was going to cry someone told me to put hand sanitizer on and it snapped me out of the wanting to cry. Standing next to her was difficult I felt very scared. I didn't want to touch her, I was afraid to touch her. I did touch her hand. We left at midnight when the night nurse kicked us out.

On our way back from our vaca we stopped at the hospital again. This time Kenz was in a surgery so I saw my uncle for a quick second then we went and saw Kayla. But as soon as I walked out of the hospital leaving my uncle I broke down. I couldn't even try to stop crying even if I tried. Thank God for friends. I saw Kayla and she looked so put together. I been so proud of Kayla through all of this. She is learning so much about herself and life out of this and the whole world gets to see her struggle and succed every day. She's such an amazing person. I love her more and more everyday. People see what she writes on her blog and her facebook. But they don't see her in the hospital holding her sisters hand, doing her nails, or standing in the hall way crying. No one see's any of that. I love her so much for the little things that no one will ever see. I am so proud of her putting her heart and soul into her writing. She never holds back on her feelings and that is such a powerful quality to have! I love you Kayla!!

Roll Out Of Bed Days

So I have started a few "facebook notes" I will add those to this page just to get some more on here. I don't expect to write a lot on here just when days seem to be too much.

Last night was the marker of the 2 months. All day I kept going back to that night in July..and I kept thinking wow two months has gone by sooo fast because it feels like forever ago. How do you go from reading your cousins comments back and forth to each other every day to crying just to see her "like" your status? How do you go from to care if the world other then traveling and enjoying life too wanting to spend as much time as you can in a hospital room with your cousin? How and why are questions that I know will never and can never be answered. But hell why can they not. Life is not fair apparently, I always understood that concept until now.

Lately it seems like I have a little more time on my hands..I hate these days. As much as I hate days where I work over 8 hours, days that are super busy where I don't even have time to eat seem like the easiest days on my heart.

Days that are not easy on my heart-doing something fun, seeing other people have soo much fun, seeing kayla have terrible days, seeing young girls post dumb stuff on facebook, people post lyrics, and people not understand my sadness.

My family can seem to make my days feel a little better and somedays they make them not feel so good. Sometimes I don't understand how peoples lives can go on..I don't get it at all. I know I shouldn't be mad or jealous at them but somedays I just do. Then of course that makes me feel like a terrible person. I hate this feeling..I just hate it. In the end I am not mad at them at all.

My mom said unfortantly the world goes on..my reply "somedays I can't go on with the world"

There are days I can go on with my day with laughing and smiling then their are days were I literally roll our of bed and look at myself in the mirror and start crying and tell myself "really, you can do this..just do it" Those days at work always suck its like everyone can see it on me that I am having a terrible day. and what is the first question they ask me "how is Kenzie doing?" It drives me nuts I have given everyone I know all of the info of where to find this. Because somedays I can't talk about it..because like I said in a previous note sometimes my answer wants to be something that is not poliet and would be said out of anger and sadness..these are some of the things I have to stop myself from saying.

1. I don't know how she is doing because when I ask you doesn't say anything.
2. she's 16 and someone has to clean her and she eat through a tube..so I'd say awesome?
3. she'll live in a nursing home before her grandparnets...so you tell me

these are things I will never ever say to anyone and I don't really mean to want to say them...these are the things that go through my head when I am having a roll out of bed day..these are not all the time just once in awhile mostly when I miss my Kenzie.

People have been so kind when they don't have to be. Honsetly this has given me a new light on strangers..just love and kindness..how can they be so kind. I don't know if I could be as kind as them. I thank them for thinking, praying, donating, and everything else people have done. Honestly these people help me have less rolling out of bed days. I will never be able to thank them enough.