Baby you're not lost.....

I haven't wrote a blog in so long. I been holding feelings back and letting myself bottle everything in. I have been trying to pretend that I am "ok".

Everything is not OK.

After last years Shake It For Kenzie I had a lot of people tell me that I need a break. Take a year off.

I listened to them, I took a year off. Last years Shake It For Kenzie was a hard one I lost money and am still working on paying it back.

I didn't try very hard at this years prom.  I have been beaten down and I have let the people that told me I needed a break and couldn't continue to do these fundraisers win. I let them WIN.

I am beaten up and broken down.

I have worked so hard to be positive and to keep things and people that only bring me up and not down around. Some where between last August until today I have let those bad things in....or maybe I just bottled my feelings in for so long.

HOPE. Keep having hope. I have been hearing that for almost 3 years now. So for three years I been working on keeping hope.

After three years I have seen so many cases of people being idiotic and they survive. They get the majority of their lives back.

I feel like a horrible person because most of the time I am jealous. I get angry.

The grieving process is a bitch. I don't seem to be doing that well at it. Who does?

This last month I feel like I am back at day one with trying to process this all.

I miss Kenzie. There are things she was going to do and I was looking forward to her grow up and become an adult. I was so curious as to where she was going to bring her life. I cry for the life lost on a regular basis.

Those questions I have told myself I can not ask because it will kill me on the inside because there are no answers for them, I keep asking them lately.

How did I get back here again?

Three years have past and people around me look at me with a face of really you are still upset about this?

My grandpa is now in the nursing home. It was heart breaking for me at first. My grandpa is my favorite person in the whole world. He has always been MINE. Just being around him I feel loved and like no matter what happens he will always love me.  When he got put in the nursing home I started comparing everything to Kenzies old nursing home room. After I left I broke down. All those memories came back. The feeling of being pissed off that Kenzie was in the nursing home as a teenager came rushing back.

Did I mention I feel like I am back at day one of the grieving process?

I miss her more every day. I work every day to be a positive person and not to let me dwell on it. Some days are easier then others and sometimes I am human and I just can't do it. Some days I am so angry and the kicker is I have no one to blame. Because once I try to blame someone or something, I just get more angry.

So taking a break on the fundraisers to raise money and awareness does not seem like such a good idea anymore. Because even though I lost money...I felt like I was giving Kenzie a voice. I felt like we were making a positive experience out of a negative. I need hope that Kenzies story will be heard and she will not be forgotten and that maybe others will not have to go through this. Maybe. That's the hope I have to have. Others may not agree or even support me. But I can not let Kenzies voice or story go unheard. She was to beautiful in every sense to let her fade away.

I love you my cousin.


Since there was not a Shake It For Kenzie 2014 I am setting up a FUNDME page to help hopefully raise some money! Please Share with your friends and lets get Kenzies story heard again even if we don't raise any money hopefully we can get awareness out there again and hopefully others will protect themselves!

http://www.fundme.com/en/projects/5826-Kenzie-Zarn