5 years

I can't believe that this Monday it will mark 5 years since the accident. Every year I feel like I have grown as a person. This year, I don't feel like that. I feel like this last year was so hard and that I just felt defeated. The fundraisers were really hard and like every year I have someone that can do it better or that tells me to stop doing it. All of which are discouraging to me lately. I wanted them to be so much better than what they have been. But unfortunately they just haven't been.

 So I took a break in 2016. And let me tell you it is so depressing to me. I read one of my old blogs (ok I went through a few of them). I had wrote the one thing that I didn't want to happen was for anyone to forget about Kenzie. I wanted her story to be told and for her voice to always be heard. I feel like this year I have let her down. Even though I may not have made much money or any at all. The thing is for one night in Cut Bank and Lewistown I had people thinking about Kenzie. I had people thinking what would they do if they were in that situation. I may had one more person buckle their seat belt that normally wouldn't. I may have had one more person put on a helmet when riding their bike, ATV, ect. So in 2017 (that is crazy to even to think about) I will be bringing the proms back again in the late winter/spring time.

 Every day I am saddened by the people I love that don't wear their seat belts or wear a helmet when riding their motorcycle or whatever it is. Something so simple that may be a little uncomfortable can save your lives. I just don't get it.

 I feel bad because when ever I am driving with someone on a dirt road and we go over 35 mph I can't help but start to get an anxiety attack. I don't even understand why this is. I was not in the car when she got in the accident. I did not see the accident scene. But for some reason I can't seem to help it. Driving on a dirt road is soothing to me as long as we are driving at a slow speed.

 But there are positives that I have taken from this accident as well. I tell more people I love them. I don't just tell family that I love them. I try to remember to tell anyone that I love that I love them. Because you never know when you won't be able to hear that person say that back to you or vice versa. I have more patience with strangers. You never know if that angry guy has a brain injury and is fighting a battle with himself every day because he is not the man he use to be. (don't get me wrong not everyone has a brain injury some people are just assholes) I try my hardest at forgiving. This has been a struggle for me forever. But I have learned not to get angry as easily. I try to be honest with my feelings as much as I can. Life can be so short to pretend that you are ok when you are not or vice versa. Hugs, I try to give them to the people I want to as much as I can.

There is not a day I don't think of my cousin. There is not a day I wish there were more I could do. There is not a day that I would love to take all the pain away from her and the rest of my family. There is not a day that I don't think about her giggle. I miss her every day. Missing her is a struggle because she is here but just not in the same way. That can be hard for others to understand that pain. I have learned that not everyone is going to understand the struggle. People are not going to understand the situation. So much has changed in 5 years and so much has stayed the same. Kenzie changes. They may be small to others but she changes. She gives the family little clues that she is still in there. And that inspires me every day. Someone asked me who the strongest person I knew the other day. Kenzie was my answer. That girl fights a battle every day that none of us will ever know or understand. And I know that Kenzie is still inside there fighting every day to come back to us in one way or another. I will hold on to that every day.

Thank you again to all those that have been with the family for the last 5 years and those that continue to pray for Kenzie and her family. Thank you will never feel like enough and you will never know how much the love, support, and prayer mean to the family. Thank you again. I have been silent this year but get ready to hear from me a lot more this year! -Katie